Estimated reading time: 14 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I found you after Googling around for help. My friends haven’t been able to help me with this, but maybe you will. I’ve been in what I guess is a situationship with someone for about half a year now. We met on Hinge after I’d decided to start dating again after the pandemic basically killed my last relationship. I didn’t necessarily want to leap into something, but I at least wanted to find something with long term potential. Well on our first date we had really intense chemistry and ended up hooking up that night – something I didn’t expect but I really didn’t mind. It was hot, they were hot, I liked taking a risk like that when I usually take things really slowly.
Now I’m wondering if that was a mistake, because that seems like most of what we do. When we get together, which seems like every couple weeks, it’s usually because they message me and want to know what I’m up to. I try to initiate contact, plan dates, invite them to get together to do stuff, but they’re always busy or seem like they need to see what’s up that week. Occasionally we’ll go out when I invite them, but most of the time it’s up to them where we go and what we do. I don’t mind not making all the plans, but it seems like we do the same thing every time – get drinks, maybe dinner and then go back to their place to have sex. We hang out there, watch TV or a movie and then either I sleep over or I go home in the morning when I get up.
At first it wasn’t so bad. I was still feeling weird about my last relationship so maybe some low stakes sex was what I needed. But if I’m honest that wasn’t what I wanted. I think it was more “this is what I should do” more than anything else. But I like them and when we get together, it’s fun. They’re great in bed and I enjoy my time with them so it’s not like I don’t get anything out of this. But it kind of feels like I’m being held at arms length. At first I thought I liked having my independence and being able to do my own things without having to coordinate schedules or plans, but it seems like we have NO plans except when I hear from them. There’re times I feel like if I didn’t message them first, I might not hear from them for a couple weeks. But when I do, sometimes they want to talk and we chat, other times I get just single sentences or just “LOL” or emoji reactions.
Like, last month, I realized how little I know about them. I don’t know their favorite song or what they were like as a kid or anything and what I do know is all stuff that came up because of our dates. I know their favorite drinks or meals but really little about where they went to school or what they think about like politics or movies or whatever. They don’t avoid talking about themselves or change the subject or they’re living some double life with a secret family in Florida or anything but we just never seem to have any really meaningful or personal conversations. We just seem to talk about whatever’s going on or what movies we’ve seen and stuff.
I think what made me finally decide to write is because I tried to talk to them about what we were doing and where this was all going and they said “I don’t really like talking labels, I just like taking things as it comes.” Which I get, but I feel like I’m spinning my wheels here. But when I start thinking that maybe of getting back on Hinge and suddenly they’re blowing up my phone again.
I’m not sure what to do here. I know you’re probably going to tel me to break up with them but I like them and I have fun when we’re together. It’s when we’re apart that I think and my friends agree that I’m wasting time. It just feels like I’m left hanging whenever it’s just us or something I want. I don’t know. Is there some way to break out of this rut we’re in? How do I move this relationship forward?
Stuck In Neutral Maybe?
I’m going to start with what seems like a digression, SINM, but stick with me, I promise this is going somewhere.
I want to confess something: at the risk of going full-bore “Old Man Yells At Cloud”, I hate the term “situationship”. No, seriously, it makes me grind my teeth, in part because I find it to be a very cutesy way to describe what’s ultimately just a casual relationship. To me, it feels like someone doesn’t want to say that they’re just hooking up or in a casual, no strings FWB situation and so they apply a cutesy label on it to make it feel more… real or significant or meaningful. Which, to me, says more about the people using the label than anything else – a casual relationship, like a short term one can be just as real, significant and meaningful as one where you’re on the marriage-2.5-kids-and-white-picket-fence track. The fact that you aren’t looking for a lifelong partnership or that this isn’t going to lead to something “real” doesn’t make it lesser or less important to the people in it. So “situationship” sounds to me more like people who are more concerned with what others think about their relationship than what they think.
But the other reason why it makes me grind my teeth – and again, this is just my personal pet peeve here – is that whenever I see people bring it up, it’s always in a negative context. I have yet to see people talk about how much they like their situationship. What I usually see – and I’ll freely admit, with my job, I mostly see or hear about relationships when they’re NOT working – is that people who use the term “situationship” often mean “I feel uncertain about what we have, but I don’t want to risk things by talking about it.”
Which brings us to your issue, SINM. It sounds to me like this is more or less where you are: you’re in what’s ultimately a casual relationship that isn’t meeting your needs in significant ways. Now to be fair to you, you have been trying to communicate your feelings about this to your… hook up? Situation partner? Dunno what term would best sum it up. But it seems like they are determined to not discuss it. And frankly, why should they? It seems to me like they don’t really have any incentive to do so and every reason not to. They see you on their schedule, you do mostly what they want and they get to go on their merry way, doing their own thing.
If this was what you were ultimately after, then this wouldn’t be a problem. But it’s not. So here you are, trying to get some certainty, from someone who seems to have a vested interest in not providing any because it might change the status quo. I suspect that they know damn good and well how you feel and what you want and… well, I hate to say it, but it seems pretty clear to me that they don’t want that. I think they like this no strings, no commitment and – importantly – no investment relationship. But as soon as they get a hint that maybe you’re getting ready to move on, they dangle just enough interest to keep you around.
So, you’re not wrong, I do think you should dump this person. Leaving aside that what they’re doing isn’t cool – not the worst thing in the world, but definitely not cool – I’m honestly not sure that there’s any there there. You have good sex and you enjoy hanging out with them when you see them, but it seems pretty clear you have needs that aren’t really being met here. And with so little of substance between you – no indication of shared values and ambitions, no future plans, no deep connections besides just good sex – I’m not sure that trying to call the question would work. If you were to sit down and push for a Define The Relationship conversation and they quit playing games and took it seriously, I’m not sure that you all would last another six months.
Sure, you two have some crazy chemistry, but chemistry in and of itself isn’t automatically a good thing. Chemistry can lead to hot sex, but chemistry is also when the resulting reaction means toxic gas or explosions or things catching on fire. So chemistry by itself is important, but you need the right kind of chemistry. Ask yourself: if sex were off the table, never to return, how long would you enjoy spending time with them? Would they be someone you’d want having a prominent place in your life, or just someone you want to see on occasion… if that?
If it’s the latter… well, I think you’d be better off giving them the old heave-ho. If it’s the former… I still think you should move on, but I can at least understand why you’d want to give it an old-fashioned college try. But I think that if you do call the question and refuse to take a non-committal shrug for an answer, I think you’re going to just end up in the same place. I’ve said before, in other contexts, that no answer is an answer, and that’s what you have here. Yeah, you’re getting words, but those words are empty. They’re sound and fury, signifiying nothing of importance. They’re flack clouds trying to prevent you from making an ultimatum that they’re trying to avoid.
So I think the big question is: how much longer are you willing to sit in limbo? If you’re hoping to find a longer-term relationship or one that’s more serious, are you willing to spend more time on this person? Time you could be using to find someone on the same page as you?
If you’re cool with the just-sex-and-surface nature of the relationship or a little longer, then you do you; you can exit this ride at any time and at least now you can see it for what it is. But if what you want is something more serious than a “situationship” and with someone who’s willing to at least talk about your relationship in good faith, I think you’re just signing on for more frustration and more of your time taken.
It sounds to me like you want the latter, and you’re not going to find it here. Drop this person, let them find someone who’s in the market for what they’re offering and you go find someone who’s right for you.
And next time? Don’t be afraid to have the “where is this going?” talk sooner rather than later. It’s better to risk the relationship and know where you stand than to end up in a mushy middle that doesn’t give you what you need.
Good luck.
Hey Doc I stumbled across one of your videos on YouTube once, which bought me to your website and your articles . They seem interesting and gives me different perspectives on romantic relationships.
Now today I want to know what you think of phrase “Beauty is subjective”. I have been told this for as long as I remember and can’t help but disagree; most couples I have seen in real life are equally attractive. My friends and I can agree on which girl is attractive . Which has bought me to the conclusion that beauty is not subjective.
(Sorry for any mistakes English is not my 1st language)
– some dude from India
Beauty is absolutely subjective. While there are some things that are relatively universal – primarily outward signs of good general health and high levels of facial symmetry – what is considered to be beautiful is highly variable and incredibly dependent on cultural and sociological factors. All you have to do is look through history and different cultures and what they find desirable or what they would do to be more attractive. As recently as the 19th century, blackening your teeth was considered to be a mark of beauty in Thailand. Body modification, from tattoos (Pacific Islanders), lobe stretching (South American and African tribal cultures), scarification (too many cultures to list), fake moles or beauty marks (France), foot-binding (China) and so on were all ways that people would enhance their attractiveness.
Other signifiers of beauty were about class and socioeconomic status. In America and Europe, the most desirable looks coincided with the behavior of the aristocracy. When lots of money meant living a life of leisure and rich foods, being heavier was in style. Being pale – often enhanced with makeup – was in vogue because being tanned meant that you were a laborer who worked outdoors in the sun. Now skinniness and being tanned are more desirable in part because it signals that you have the time to devote to exercise and laying out in the sun – something that folks living paycheck to paycheck often don’t have.
Race and associations with it play into this as well. Asian men – especially but not exclusively East Asian men – are seen as less attractive because of cultural narratives in America define them as “less masculine. African women, especially ones with darker skin and more sub-Saharan features, are treated as less desirable or even masculinized.
Similarly, we can see the way specific features are praised or elevated over others. Northern European features tend to be held up as being the standard of beauty while more East Asian, Semitic or sub-Saharan features are seen as being less desirable. The same goes with skin tone and color – skin-whitening products are incredibly popular in Asia. Hair is also treated differently, whether it’s body hair (more is good, no less is good, where you have or don’t have it matters) or the hair on your head. People with tight curls and coarse hair texture are marketed products to flatten and straighten their hair, while people with straight, fine hair are sold products to give their hair more volume and body.
Even body types and musculature vary. If you look at who gets held up as a great beauty in pop culture, starting in the era of silent films, you can see how beauty is as much about what’s in fashion. Boyish figures with narrow hips and small breasts were all the rage in the Swinging 20s, while the bombshells of the 30s and 40s had curves like a mountain road. Hell, even muscularity is dependent on fashion at the times; if you look at the “beefcake” of the 80s and 90s and compare them to Zac Effron in Baywatch or any of the Marvel Chris’, there’s an absurd difference.
In fact, pop culture is one of the most prominent ways that beauty standards are transmitted. As American and European movies and television were exported, more and more people would increasingly adopt American beauty standards because… well, because it was being sold over and over again as “the most beautiful”. It’s hard not to take those standards on board on some level when you see it over and over and over again, and when other cultural influencers adopt them in order to increase global appeal.
This is also why it’s considered revolutionary for Lupita N’yongo to talk about being proud of her skin, or for African-American women to have natural hair – it’s pushing back against culture that says that these are bad things and that they should conform to different standards.
There’s also the fact that what we perceive is influenced by how we feel about an individual. The more we get to know somebody, the more they become attractive to us, even if they’re not conventionally good looking. Studies have found that while people in a community or group will have an initial consensus about who’s attractive or not, over time that consensus disappears, and uniqueness and idiosyncratic differences become more pronounced and more important.
But it’s also worth noting how much individual tastes are going to vary. For everyone who swears that Kim Kardashian is the hottest thing since World War III, there’s someone else who wouldn’t fuck her with a borrowed dick and Megan Goode doing the pushing. To some, the Burt Reynolds of the 70s was the height of masculine beauty; to others it was David Bowie, and to still others it was Yul Brenner or David Cassidy or Billy Dee Williams.
I’ll also point out that what’s true of your immediate social circle isn’t necessarily proof of anything other than that this is what your social circle believes. It’s not surprising that you and your friends generally agree on what women you see are attractive; friends tend to have shared values and interests and that frequently includes looks. Different groups of friends may well have different answers than yours.
But I suspect that if you all go off on your own and make lists of who you think are attractive before coming back and comparing them anonymously, I think you might find that you have people on your list that your friends would be surprised by, and your friends would have ones that you would be surprised by. And you or your friends may even find some people attractive but keep it to yourselves for fear of what your peers might say.
Here’s the thing though: ultimately the standards of attractiveness that matter the most are what make someone attractive to you. They may line up with what society (currently) says is desirable, or it may be as unique and individualized as you are. It can be helpful to examine your preferences and what you find attractive and ask why that’s so. But at the end of the day, you’re the only person who can say what you’re into and what you’re not into.
Whether or not that lines up with everyone else’s ideas of is far less important.