How often do you wish that getting laid was easier? Do you regularly wonder why some men get all the luck while you’re stuck home alone on the weekends? What if I told you that there was one mistake you were making – one that most men make, in fact – that is keeping you from the love life you desire?
You’d probably leap on it wouldn’t you?
Everywhere you look, people will try to sell you “one weird trick” to get women into bed. I mean, everyone’s looking for that trick, that gimmick, that one-size fits all solution that’s going to win them all the sex. It’s really tempting to feel that after doing all the prep-work, there’s just one thing left to do that will soak the panties of every woman you come across.
And therein lies the rub. There is. But it’s not what you think.
See, it’s not that you need to find this psychological trick to get out of the Friend Zone. You don’t need this routine or this mindset or this pill or this technique to make women want you. In fact, it’s not about learning anything. It’s about unlearning something. And that may be the hardest thing you can do.
But if you do… you will find your success with women taking off like a goddamn crotch-sized Saturn V rocket.
Ready to find out what that secret is?
The Mistake Men Make That Costs Them Dates
As a dating coach, I’m on a lot of mailing lists. Some of them are remnants from back in my PUA days, some are marketers or affiliates looking for partners, others are… well I don’t know where the fuck they came from. But they all have one thing in common: they sell the idea that women don’t want to fuck you. That women are “the obstacle”, the one thing standing in your way of getting more wet pussy than a combo car-wash/veterinarian’s office. Women Are The Enemy Who Are Out To Trick You and the only way to get what you want is to trick them back.
Case in point: the most recent email I got like this came from a PUA guru I used to follow. It’s fairly typical affiliate marketing – hey, my super-smart friend came up with this new super-powerful technique, blah blah blah. But the gimmick in this case is how it “scrambles” her brain. It, and I’m quoting here, makes her “convince herself that she loves you, even if she doesn’t.”
This is part and parcel of a lot of PUA and Red Pill material: you’re going to learn “secret techniques” that bypass her conscious mind and trigger the instinctive, reptile parts that will make her uncontrollably aroused because it’ll just never happen otherwise. Use “freeze outs” to force compliance, never call more than X number of times per day to avoid setting the “relationship frame”, use “jealousy plotlines” so that she never feels secure with you otherwise she’ll start manipulating you for a relationship.
But as disturbing as this outlook is when it comes from folks like Mystery or Cernovich or Roosh or dodgy subreddits, it’s hardly exclusive to them. In fact, the idea that Women Are Your Opponents is deeply embedded into the dating culture and manifests in a number of ways. And unless you, a guy who wants to date more, learn to recognize these behaviors, you’re going to be living life like a wizard…
…because you’re going to make sex disappear.
Let’s start with one of the most common examples, shall we?
Gatekeeping, Shit Tests, Negging and other Power Dick Moves
The first example of the idea that Women Are Lying To You comes in the idea of “status”. Women, or so the theory goes, want a very specific kind of man. If he’s not of a sufficiently desirable level, she’s going to ditch him and go seeking out someone who does have suitable status.
And thus an arms race begins between men of questionable status and those supposedly hypergamous women. Women will, so the theory goes, shit-test men by making demands or playing hard-to-get or other Rules-enforced games to see if a man is worth her time. Men, on the other hand, will attempt to bypass these shit-tests or give women shit in turn, in order to flip the script.
Now, in reality, women don’t actually do this and the few that do are easily identifiable and avoidable. But the idea that women are “testing” you teaches guys that the key to getting a woman’s approval is… to be an even bigger asshole.
Of the many, many techniques that were released into the wild when Neil Strauss’ The Game was published, the one that has held on the longest is the concept of “negging”. The idea behind negging or its cousin “cocky-funny” is that by giving left-handed, “challenging” compliments, you’re showing women who are otherwise “out of your league” that you’re actually of equal or higher status than they are. This will prove that you’re worth dating. After all, no dude would tell a hot chick she looked like a drag queen did her make up if he didn’t have some serious social juice and a prehensile cock to back it up, right?
Thus you end up with guys on Tinder and OKCupid who think that the best way to get into a girl’s pants is to be condescending as hell and then wonder why women won’t respond.
But it wouldn’t be shitty behavior if nerds didn’t find a way to make it even worse.
One of the most evergreen examples of the Women Are Trying To Trick You meme is the Fake Nerd Girl. Geek culture is rife with men who are absolutely convinced that conniving women are trying to trick their boners because fuck you penis, that’s why. As a result, a woman who shows her face in any geek-centered activity finds herself getting challenged to present her credentials. In dating contexts, this manages to crossbreed negging and gatekeeping bullshit into a hybrid Pokemon known as DatingNo. Men who’re interested in maybe, possibly, actually meeting up with these women in person immediately ruin their chances by seeing an opportunity to connect with someone over shared interests and instead demand proof that she actually likes the things she likes.
Even mildly “challenging” questions like “let’s see if you’re a bigger nerd than me” carry the same attitude: “I’m going to make you jump through hoops in order to establish that you should desire my approval”. Taking the position that you’re the Official Certifier of Nerd plays into the same belief: that women, for some benighted reason, will lie to you about things they like. By making them “prove” themselves, you are establishing that you are, in fact, of a desirable status and thus will pass her shit tests and win the pussy.
Or, in real life: piss off someone who really just wanted to connect with another person and make dating even harder for everyone else.
But while we’re on the topic of “women lie about what they want”:
Surfing The Ambiguity Wave
Another common mistake men make is assuming that all women are angling for commitment, all the time. If you want to have a casual relationship, you have to play it smart. You can’t ask for what you want because no woman wants no-strings sex. Instead, you have to surf the wave of ambiguity in your relationship. Reject labels. Never refer to it as “dating”, even if you’re hanging out for hours watching Netflix. Avoid any relationship talk at all costs. And remember: any attempt that she makes to clarify things is a trap. All she’s doing is trying to judo-flip you into exclusivity so beware.
Once again, this mistake relies on the idea that women don’t actually want sex, they want relationships. However, they’re willing to lie to people they’re supposedly dating in order to get those relationships because women are tricksy hobbitses. After all, women love being exclusive with resentful dudes who live their lives like the last verse of Paradise By The Dashboard Light. Meanwhile, men try to keep a mix of affection and distance, like a horny rabbit. Get in, get what you want but be ready to run for the door, just in case.
The problem with trying to live in the ambiguous space is that… well, nobody knows what the hell is going on. It quickly becomes a case of “same planet, different worlds”, where everybody is afraid to speak up because they don’t want to necessarily collapse the quantum wave of dating/not dating. It makes something as basic as trying to communicate impossible. You can never completely relax or be yourself with them. Do you dare admit you like spending time with her, lest you trigger the Defining The Relationship conversation? Are you seeing each other too often? What does it all mean?
For guys trying to ride the ambiguity, anything can be a danger sign. Asking about maybe going to dinner one night could be the prelude to bringing up the dating label. Something as simple as “I want to make sure we’re on the same page” sets off their fight-or-flight response because what if she asks for exclusivity? And because neither of you are working from the same definitions, her request for a little more consideration or emotional intimacy can feel like his “we are getting married in three months, yes or no?”
There are women, many women even, who would appreciate a relationship that involves regular orgasms and maybe some company and conversation without an expectation of permanence. However, finding them requires being up front with them. Instead of treating every woman as a liar trying to trick you into commitment, taking the time to check in with your partner and make sure everyone is clear on what’s going on means that you both get what you want. Yes, you may not have the no-strings relationship you’re hoping for with her… but now you’re in a position to find someone who does want that. You’re able to relax and appreciate being with someone instead of worrying about making a mistake that will cost you everything. Meanwhile, she won’t be left wondering just what the fuck it is you both have.
Everyone’s happy, everyone wins. As long as you aren’t treating dating as trying to avoid a series of snares and traps instead.
Nobody’s Playing Hard To Get (They Just Don’t Like You)
The next mistake men make is the classic issue of whether someone is playing hard to get. It’s the question of whether someone really is busy or uninterested or just trying to keep your interest by making you work for it.
Now to be fair: women are taught that being obviously interested is a bad thing. Culturally speaking, women are punished for owning their sexuality or flaunting gender roles. Many men, for example, react badly when women make the first move. Other men see sexually confident or forward women as “damaged” or worth less, because women are as valuable as the sex they don’t have. Even today, books like The Rules and Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man sell the idea that men don’t respect or appreciate sex that comes too easily.
The idea that women play games to keep men on the hook comes from the same idea that women shit test men to measure their worth. Women, in this theory, are looking for guys who will fight for her interest. Dangling herself just out of reach keeps a guy on the hook, letting her see just how far he’s willing to go to keep her attention. And if he can’t pass her tests… well, back into the pool he goes until she needs someone to validate her with attention.
However, in reality, the vast majority of women don’t have the time, interest or even the emotional energy to play these sorts of games. The cold hard truth is that, in the words of Alanna Massey, dick is abundant and of low value. Attention and affection isn’t so rare or valuable that playing the coquette is a viable strategy. There’s simply no profit for them in it. Women who have an easy time dating have no real need to play these games, while women who have a harder time dating have no interest in putting more barriers between them and potential dates. Dating simply isn’t worth playing games over.
More often than not, the times when it seems like a woman is playing hard to get, the reality is that she’s trying to be polite about saying “no”. Women are taught to use “soft” no’s when turning men down, which can be dangerous. So while the underlying meaning is “I don’t want to see you,” they couch it in softer, less definite terms like “I think we should just be friends,” in order to salve the guy’s ego.
So while a woman may say “oh, I can’t this week,” what she really means “I don’t want to,” and is trying to not be rude about it. Most men know a soft “no” when they hear it. The idea that she’s playing hard to get isn’t a mistake in interpretation, it’s that he just doesn’t want to accept the answer. Guys who then, say, stalk her Facebook or Instagram to prove that she was lying are looking for reasons to be upset. It becomes more fodder for the idea that women lie and need to be tricked.
It actually isn’t that hard to tell when you’re getting a soft “no”. Women who are interested but have a scheduling conflict will usually attempt to find another time to see you. If there’s no “I can’t this date, but what about this other day?” then the odds are that it’s a case of “no, thank you”.
Improve Your Dating By Getting Out Of Your Own Way
The idea that women are your opponents, someone you have to overcome to get your way, is based on an antagonistic, commodity model of sex. By seeing dating as a competition and sex as a power struggle of value for value, you set yourself up in a position that makes it impossible to honestly relate or connect with someone. You can never simply relax and just be. Every interaction has to be weighed and measured, every conversation investigated for hidden meaning or agendas. It saps the transcendent joy out of love, turns sex from a union of pleasure to a struggle for power.
Nobody has time for that.
Treating women as something to be overcome means that even the most well-meaning of men will mistake legitimate interest for deception. Because they treat dating as a competition, they end up pushing away women they might otherwise connect with. Demanding “proof” or playing head games only kills your chances of finding love and – paradoxically – leaves you vulnerable to actual manipulators and toxic people.
It’s easy enough to avoid the minority of people who do play games. Having strong boundaries and taking people at their word filters the fakes and users out of your life. It takes two to play games so don’t play. Give honesty and expect honesty. Give clarity and ask for clarity in exchange. Someone who thinks you need to dance for their attention isn’t someone you want to date.
Dating can be confusing and frustrating in equal measure. Assuming the best of the people you want to date and giving them your best in return makes it easier and more satisfying. Nobody actually likes a relationship built on uncertainty and games. Being someone that women can relax around, can trust and rely on and knows where she stands?
That’s someone that women want to date.
Stand out from the crowd. Stop making the same mistake that other men make and watch your success with women take off.