No More Mr. Nice Guy

Right. Going by the number of e-mails I’ve recieved, a few of you haven’t quite learned one of the lessons I’m always harping on here at Dr. NerdLove. So it’s time for me to quit coddling you and apply the hob-nailed boot of reality upside your heads.

So. Stop me if this Craigslist blast from the past sounds vaguely familiar:

You might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?”

That, my friends, is the sound of the impotent nerd-rage of The Nice Guy. Ladies, you know this guy. He’s the one who follows you around saying he was your friend, all the while holding on to his not-so-secret agenda of trying to eventually woo you off your feet. Or, more accurately, hoping that you’d see he’s incredible and making the first move for him. Or at he’s hoping to at least wear down your endurance until you give in.

Hey, nothing says “Love machine!” like a short, balding, overweight guy with entitlement issues! Am I right ladies?

If this sounds at all like you, then you need to know something:

YOU PUT YOURSELF THE FRIEND ZONE AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

It’s time to quit blaming women for liking “bad boys” and start figuring out what it is you can do about it.

“But women say they want to date a nice guy! I’m nice! Why won’t they date me?”

Let’s examine a so-called “nice guy” for a second. A “nice guy”, as the Craigslist ranter above points out, they’re the ones who’re running around with the girl, taking them shopping, buying them gifts, taking them out to dinner, spending all their time with them… and getting nowhere. And getting frustrated by getting nowhere despite all his effort. And crying angry impotent tears. And then sitting at home masturbating and using his tears as lube.

Let’s be honest: you’re not a friend. You’re an Orbiter. You can hover around her as long as you want, but you’re never going to actually come in contact with her heavenly body. Now, granted you do provide a valuable service. To start with, you’re providing free food, gifts and entertainment for others. And you provide a great warning to others.

When a girl says she wishes she could meet a nice guy, she’s saying one of two things:

1) “I should be attracted to a nice guy… but I’m not”

or

2) “I wish I could meet a guy who isn’t a complete dickbag but also actually excited me.”

This should tell you everything you need to know about being a “nice guy”.

Nice guys are passive.
Nice guys are clingy.
Nice guys are predictable.
Nice guys are boring.

Don’t get me wrong here. It’s not as though I’m saying women love being neglected, emotionally or physically abused or cheated on. Nobody is sitting around saying “I’ll call her a worthless whore. Bitches love being called worthless whores.” So what is it about these “bad boys” that revs a woman’s engine?

It’s all about behavior and attitudes. Let’s break it down.

Confidence:

They have a swagger in their walk. Their chests puff out. Their heads are held high. Their presence fills a room. They take up space. They speak loudly. They know, deep down in their souls, that they are, frankly, the shit. Their posture and body language tells you that this is a man who can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome he is.

Contrast this with your typical Orbiter. Your archetypal “nice guy”. They tend to be a little hunched over. They’re soft-spoken. They’re hesitant. They seem to fold in slightly on themselves. They don’t want to make too much trouble or attract too much notice. They prefer being alone with “their” girl because they know instinctively they can’t hold off any competition.

Nice guys have a tendency to be risk averse and a corresponding fear of rejection. They don’t want to take the chance that they’ll make a move and ruin everything, not when they could take their time and live in the vague hope that “maybe she’ll learn how awesome I am and come to me,” This frequently springs from a scarcity mentality, or what I like to call One-itis: the idea that there’s only this one girl who can be this perfect and if it falls apart, it’s all over and they’ll never know love again.

Bad boys? They know that they can have that woman if they want. They aren’t following women around, hoping for crumbs of approval, looking for the slightest hint that there is a chance that she likes him. They assume it’s already a foregone conclusion and make their move accordingly. If she doesn’t like him? Well, hell, there’s more women out there; time to move on and find someone better. This sort of abundance mentality keeps them from being completely hung up on the idea that they have one shot.

Aggressiveness:

See that critical part there? The one about making their move? Bad boys are aggressive. They’re assertive. They’re the types of people who will see what they want and just go for it. Time spent wringing one’s hands in agony over the possibility of being rejected is time that’s not spent actually getting the girl.

Nice Guys are frequently masters of the art of passive-aggressiveness. Because they don’t want to take risks, they put their efforts into manipulating the social contract instead. Nice Guys love to use the rule of reciprocity. This is part of why they put so much emphasis on being the ones who will take their girl “friends” shopping or out to dinner. After all, they’ve made a point of doing something for her… now she should to do something nice for them. It seems like the guy is doing something out of the kindness of his heart but, subconsciously or otherwise, they’re trading on the fact that the girl will feel a certain obligation to them in return.

Bad boys can be manipulative, yes. But the fact of the matter remains: they’re willing to be the ones to make an actual move. They don’t wait for the woman to take the initiative and they certainly don’t spend weeks, months, sometimes even years looking for a hint.

Does she have a boyfriend? Hey, she’s allowed to change her mind. It’s not like there’s a ring on that finger.

Nice guys wait for an opportunity. Bad boys make opportunities.

Uncontrollable:

Women love a challenge. Part of the appeal of a bad boy is the idea of being the one who can contain or even change him.

An example: Back in the day, Warren Beatty was a known rake and man about town. He cut a swathe through Hollywood’s female celebrities like a hot knife through butter. He was considered to be Hollywood’s most eligible bachelor and every gossip rag wanted to know who the woman would be who could finally tame him.

Notice that specific word choice. “Tame”. Like he’s some sort of wild beast and only some special woman has the ability to bring him to heel. And you know what? Most women wanted to be that special woman. That was part of his appeal; every woman wanted to take their shot at landing him.

Bad boys have attitude to spare. They’ll be challenging to women; they’ll be sarcastic, they’ll bust a girl’s (metaphorical) balls. They’ll play hard to get. They can be hard to pin down.  They don’t give in to emotional manipulation or blackmail, and they have a certain willingness to move on if they feel the need. Think of stray cats; they’ll show up to places that feed them on their own terms, allow someone one to give them some affection and then move on. They might come back. They might not.

Bad boys represent a challenge. Women see them and think “Oh, I can take him. I can fix him. I can domesticate him. I can totally make him mine.”

Nice guys, on the other hand, come pre-broken in. There is no challenge to them. Nice guys are so worried about ruining their chances with that “one special girl” that they’re afraid to look at them crosswise, never mind sass them back. They run too and fro like little puppies fetching things and wagging their tails in hopes of getting a treat.

How To Be “Bad”…

Too many “nice guys” eventually come to the conclusion that if girls like bad boys, well, then BY GOD they’re going to be bad! They’ll be the baddest of the bad. And the end result…

Well, it tends to go one of two ways. Some make a show being bad; they try to dress like rockstars, get big sunglasses and ripped jeans and walka round with a sneer, talking a big game that they could never pull off. It’s the nerd equivalent of watching a miniature poodle strut around with a spiked collar. The guys who go in the other direction end up skipping “Bad” all together and just become bitter assholes.

Thing is, there’s nothing wrong with being nice. The problem is being a “nice guy”. So don’t be a “nice guy”. Take those aspects of the bad boy that girls find so appealing and learn how to incorporate them without becoming the sort of jerk that they’re associated with

Be a little more sarcastic. Be a lot more confident. Be a little harder to pin down. Be a lot more aggressive.

Be a good guy.

With a creamy bastard center.