Dear Doctor,
I had a good, long think after reading your recent post about what it is I want; in a girl, in a relationship and so on. I’ve pretty much known what kind of girl I’m attracted to but your words helped me solidify my thoughts and for that I thank you.
Personally, I’m attracted to tomboys; you know, the girls who delve more into male activities than female. Perhaps I find this attractive because I find it easier to relate but nonetheless, it’s what I like. I want my girl to be outgoing and adventurous to somewhat counterbalance my introverted nature. I want to find a girl who likes to talk about anything and everything; have stimulating conversations or just bullshit for hours. That’s just a small overview.
Now, as I’ve found out, very few girls like this exist. Most girls my age (I am currently 20) have grown out of the tomboy phase. The ones who are, however, are already taken. Pretty much any girl that I’ve thought was perfect for me was either clearly not interested or taken. Now, I’ve tried dating sites before (OkCupid, as you suggested) and explicitly stated what kind of girl I’d like but unfortunately, I’ve had little to no luck. While it would be amazing to finally find that perfect girl, I can’t help but think that perhaps I’ve idealized her too much.
What do you think, Doctor? Have I idealized my perfect girl so much that I’ve made my standard impossibly high for any good girl to reach or should I hold out hope that I’ll fine my dream girl some day?
You have two problems here. The first is that it sounds like you’re hoping for a girl who’s going to drag you out of your shell and be your magic guide into the world of boisterous extrovertism.
Yes that’s a word. Trust me, I’m a doctor*.
Unfortunately, this isn’t a movie, where such things are commonplace. You can’t expect a girl to do the work for you. It’s unfair to her to put the responsibility on her and it’s not going to do you any good. And ultimately, that sort of expectation is going to poison your interaction with women; there’s nothing women like less than a man with an agenda, even if that agenda is for the girl to fix him.
The other problem is, unfortunately, a matter of compatibility. Opposites rarely attract when it comes to relationships, sadly. An outgoing, adventurous girl is rarely going to be attracted to someone who’s shy and retiring; there are too many conflicts inherent in the differences in personalities. An outgoing person may feel held back by the introvert, while the introvert may not want to move at the same pace as the extrovert. This can cause problems in both the short term and the long term.
If I can borrow a page from far too many self-help “gurus”, you need to become the sort of person you want to attract. Work on your own nature – you sound like you want to be more outgoing – and you’ll find the sorts of girls you like coming into your life more naturally than if you try to force it early.
Good luck.
Dear Doc, I have a little problem that i need your advice/opinion on. For this past year i was in practically in love with this one girl (obviously). Well after a year of rejection she finally decided to go on a date with me. During said date i realized that “Wow, i really cant stand this girl” and that im really only in love with her looks and actually hate her personality. A couple of days later i told my friends to never let me interact with her again because i might become infatuated with her once more. Once i told them, of my plan i removed her from my phone and deleted her off of every social media site i talk to her on. The question is did i do the right thing by establishing zero contact and when, do i ever, start talking to her again?
Wow.
Are you familiar with the phrase “Never play an ace when a deuce will do”? Normally I only advocate the nuclear option after a break-up, rather than after a single date. From the sound of it, it’s mostly a case of reality not matching up with the fantasy; unpleasant, but not terribly uncommon. The fact that you’re wondering if and/when you talk to her again suggests you may be a little conflicted over things, especially considering the level of your reaction. Did she eat live puppies in front of you?
Taking her off the social networks is reasonable if you hate her that much, but you may want to take a step back and examine why you felt that much vitriol for her. And unless you have issues with self-control – I.E. you’ve had problems before where you can’t stop yourself from going back to a girl like a horny moth to an especially slutty flame – I think you may have over-reacted a tad.
*Dr. NerdLove is not a doctor.