abusive relationships Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Get Over My Girlfriend’s Past?

September 7, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m currently in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend. We’ve been together for about three months and I’ve been constantly concerned about my girlfriend’s past. I’ve known her for around seven years and as long as I’ve known her, she has always been a conservative person. She always said that she wouldn’t get in a relationship until she was 18 and wouldn’t have sex until she was 21. However a year ago, one of her teachers, who was 26 at the time, started to pursue her, both in school and out of school. She fell in love with him and had sex with him over the course of three months. We’re both 17 now and she’s been telling me how she’s completely over him, but I’m still slightly bothered after seeing their texts and how a single person changed her from a incredibly conservative person to a very open minded person. Her ex is also much better than me, in bed or just as a person in general. Everytime I have time by myself I just get bothered by the fact that she’s been with someone 10 years older than her, at the age of 16.

I know this might seem normal to some but for me, a traditional Asian guy, I just don’t seem to be able to get over it. Could you please give me some advice?

Long Distance Dilemma

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Avoid Abusive Partners?

August 31, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doctor,
Do you have any tips or advice for screening out toxic/abusive partners from the dating pool? I’m talking about those who are well-rehearsed in appearing sincere, understanding and respectful, so it takes a couple weeks (months, years …) to see the red flags waving. For those of us who’ve been through the psychological wringer in the past, spending even just a few weeks with another such person can be re-traumatizing. By the time you’re starting to see the real them, you’ve also started to share yourself and become emotionally invested/vulnerable. What can you suggest to limit exposure to people who will take advantage of you and dick around with your head & heart?

– Wanna Be Pre-Cog

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Episode #83 – What Terry Crews Can Teach Us About Standing Up For Male Victims

July 5, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

(Content Warning: Sexual Assault)

On June 26th, Expendables and Brooklyn 99 star Terry Crews testified before Congress in support of the Sexual Assault Survivor’s Bill of Rights. As part of his advocacy for survivors of rape and sexual assault, Crews talked about his own experience of having been the victim of sexual violence. In doing so he challenged the narrative of what it means to be the survivor of sexual assault… and showed us how we fail male victims of sexual violence.

Show Highlights:

Why few men ever speak up about having been sexually assaulted
How we teach men to not trust other men
How we treat male sexual assault as a joke
Why the narrative of who can be a victim harms survivors of sexual assault
Why rape and sexual assault isn’t about sex

and so much more.

Sexual Harassment and the Toxic Culture of Comics

Jonathan Martin and the Quiet Strength of Manhood

When Masculinity Fails Men

Understanding Toxic Masculinity

Listen Here
Download Here

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Shouldn’t I Take The Red Pill?

June 1, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’ve been through an ordeal that is really tempting me to swallow the red or black pill. My girlfriend of nearly a year dumped me. She said I was too nice, a pushover, cute but not sexy, and she wants to see other people. So she dumped me, but later tried to bargain an open relationship but I put my foot down and said no. Things were good through most the time as far as I can tell and she even admits that early on things were great and the sex was pretty good. But as time went on she expressed some sentiments that stirred greater insecurity in me. I developed a premature ejaculation problem but we still had pretty damn good sessions at several points throughout the months. But now I feel like everything the incels believe is true, she’s going off to see the chads while I’m left to rot in all the insecurities that were just confirmed. I feel resigned to swallow the red or black pill and just cannot bring myself to believe in any optimistic projection given by my friends, family, or those such as yourself. Where do I go from here?

At The Crossroads

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Am I Too Intimidating To Date?

April 27, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doctor!

I recently stumbled across your blog and I agree with most of your views and admire the advice you give to people. I don’t know if you bother to help me with my, realistically speaking, small issue but I guess it’s worth a shot.

A little background about myself: I’m a woman in my early twenties. I work in a small office and go to classes at night to educate myself further. In the little free time I have I am active in a political organisation and have a quite high rank there. On weekends I go out with friends because I am easily bored so I always try to busy myself with exciting activities instead of suffering from cabin fever. My interests are politics, culture (including nerd culture of course), traveling, food, etc. Pretty much the only things I can’t get into are sports. I do cardio and go for a run to keep in shape but other than that I really don’t care for the subject matter.

Knowing about my busy schedule you might have figured that my dating life is not really that great. I do have occasional hook ups but other than that it’s nothing but me, myself and I…

I consider myself an attractive woman, I am confident, I have a wide range of interests and I hold high ambitions. So why can’t I find a keeper?

A friend of mine once told me that some guys don’t approach me because my confidence is intimidating and guys like shy girls better. I have no problem with approaching guys and start flirting but some of their egos seem to be too fragile to handle women who take matters in their own hands. Also I was told that I’m too talkative or sassy or feminist or independent or bitchy or opinionated by guys online. And that is really infuriating and also a bit hurtful.

The only guys that seemingly can keep up with my attitude are “jocks” but those relationships fail because of our different interests.

I don’t blame the guys for not wanting to date me. It’s their decision and if I am not what they are looking for then by all means they should find happiness with the right girl.

But all that stuff leaves me wondering… am I too much? Should I change to be more appealing? Should I pretend to be shy and reveal certain aspects of my personality only after some time has passed? Or am I good the way I am and it’s just a matter of not having found the right kind of person yet?

Those concerns sound so unreasonable but I guess I’m just a little uncertain at the moment… I hope you can give me some advice.

Too Much Intimidation? [Read more…]