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Episode #153 — The Secret to Stronger, Healthier Relationships

October 21, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Have you struggled with relationships that were bad for you?

Maybe you’ve been in a toxic relationship with somebody who was always manipulating you into ways of getting what they wanted, leaving you feeling like a doormat. Maybe you had friends who treated you badly or would pressure you into going along with jokes at your expense or doing things that made you uncomfortable or went against your values.

Or perhaps you’ve had family members who would leverage guilt or reciprocity to make you do whatever they want, even if it’s a huge inconvenience to you or emotionally draining or even damaging. Or you were constantly being made to feel as though your interests, desires or wants were unimportant or inconvenient… even if it’s simply “don’t treat me like sh*t.”

One of the most important things you can do to ensure you have strong, healthy relationships — with your wife or girlfriend, your friends, your family or even your co-workers — is to have strong boundaries.

Today, I’m going to teach you how to build strong boundaries… and how to enforce them.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • What one viral video teaches us about toxic relationships
  • Why abusers and toxic people prey on people with weak boundaries
  • How abusers trick you into lowering your boundaries for them
  • How to push back when people push against your boundaries
  • The most important part of maintaining healthy relationships

…and so much more

RELATED LINKS:

What Will You Put Up With? Boundaries, Self-Esteem and Dating

Enforcing Your Boundaries

How Do I Avoid Abusive Relationships?

How Do I Get My Family To Respect My Boundaries?

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher, Spotify and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

How Can I Learn To Avoid Being A Victim?

October 19, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I think I’ve come to the denouement of my real problem, but as it was a painful process and is still ongoing, I’d like to relate my story and see if you have any good advice for moving forward.

I cut ties with a toxic partner about a week ago. I think one of the hardest things about our relationship was seeing massive red flags everywhere and allowing myself to have my mental slate erased like an Etch-a-Sketch by the fact that this abuse was unintentional.

So, in 2013, I was feeling good about being alone when I met Jake (names have been changed to protect the innocent) online. We seemed to hit it off, so we started going out. We had mind-blowing earth-shattering sex that eclipses my memory of our first year. He was unemployed, and I helped him with the caring kick in the ass he needed to start making money again and move out of his parents’ house. He felt a lot of guilt about mooching off their support since he quit his lucrative last IT job and squandered his savings. I was also living at home, and understood the shame that comes from not having income.

I quit my retail job to work in my field in 2014 and was glad of it because my resume had even more holes in it than Jake’s swiss cheese history. I was let go about a month later. This was a big blow to my self-esteem but Jake was there to get me through the rough times. After living with roommates for a year, he decided to move with me to a shared house where I would be independent of my parents. He floated the idea of being my sole source of financial support, so I could focus on my career without stress.

Then he asked me to marry him.

I was a little taken aback since we were both kind of anti-wedding if not anti-patriarchal-symbol-of-property-exchange, but I said yes. In the months leading up to my moving in with Jake, his insistence on a D/s relationship became subtly more aggressive, and I said sure we can try that. I’m probably a french vanilla with sprinkles as kink goes, and it wasn’t difficult, until I got triggered one evening and was unable to “red” out (red means stop, yellow means slow down, like a stoplight) of a scene. I insisted that this was due to a scene dynamic I was unprepared for, but Jake cooled his jets and held onto resentment that I wasn’t into being kinky. A few months later, I tried to take it in a different direction – dog seemed to have a different connotation than slave to me, so I suggested pet play. Jake didn’t understand the distinction, but was excited to learn.

A few months later, I moved in with him. The roommates we shared a townhouse with were passive aggressive and weird and made life annoying. Worse, tensions at his job were inciting Jake to look for new work. When OPM investigated his candidacy further due to a fudging of being fired to a “mutual decision for me to leave,” Jake’s chances for keeping his new job seemed to diminish (as far as I know he still has it, go figure). We had a huge fight about whether the government was right to brand him not suitable for a clearance – I insisted that it was not a personal judgement of his character to say that if he lied to the government in fear of losing his job, maybe he wasn’t the best candidate for a clearance. He locked the door to our bedroom and bathroom for an hour.

Having resolved that fight semi-peaceably with a decision to table our engagement, which involved shearing off my bride hair, we moved forward. I got a job as a pet sitter and dog walker that was stressful but allowed me to be financially independent for the most part. I got a much better job a year later that was just enough above minimum wage for us to afford an apartment in an expensive part of the city closer to Jake’s job, where he was put on non-cleared overhead for a negotiated salary of 63k or so. Mine was somewhere around 30.

So we moved into our own one bedroom apartment in 2017. Fights were regular. In the interim years, my friends had stopped inviting us to social engagements. My family mentioned they wanted to see us more often. But whenever I would see someone without Jake, he treated it as emotional cheating, and leaving him out of my life. I increasingly wanted time alone in the apartment, which only spurred on Jake’s feelings of abandonment.

Somewhere around the third time I was provisionally fired and made to look for and train my own replacement at my job, I stopped making transfers for rent to Jake. My salary had been cut but I couldn’t find work elsewhere. We fought about it but never discussed it. He insisted that if I spent less on frivolous things, I’d have the money to pay him.

I walked out of my job one day and into the ER for fear of my safety from suicidal depression. Jake was supportive and joined me at the hospital. I quit my job officially later that day. In the months that followed, I worked on myself and got two jobs to make ends meet – part-time at the job I’d quit a month ago, and part time dog walking. Things had reached a comfortable lull that I was thinking Jake and I could move forward from. I asked him about getting out of our lease and he said not to worry about it.

Then one day he started a roundabout conversation about moving into a townhouse again, this time renting a room so that I could afford rent. At this point, I owed him back rent on our agreement of some $3000. Next day, the current lease was cancelled, waiting for my signature. He toured houses without me, and we had our last big fight, after which I stormed out to stay with my mom.

I moved out, and we stayed friends. We tried a few months later to patch things up. It didn’t work. My family hated how he sponged my time. Then the pandemic hit. Jake texted me, as he often did while we were together, saying it was difficult to be the person no one wanted to talk to. I texted back viciously that he could see a therapist, work on himself for once. He blocked me. My family and friends rejoiced and told me all the ways he was awful. I thought it was because they were trying to be supportive.

Then last week I was thinking (a dangerous pastime), wondering how Jake was and if he wanted closure. He wasn’t the type to just cut ties out of the blue. I offered an olive branch over text and he called me by our secret pet name for each other in return.

In the next week, I talked with him for about 8 hours a day for four days. Jake had started therapy and antidepressants. Was working toward getting better and wanted to be friends, even platonic partners. On the fourth day, my family intervened. Since then, I’ve been untangling a web of unintentional gaslighting going back almost 7 years. I wouldn’t say I’m not responsible for at least some of the toxicity between us. But I have learned that he does not care about me and that was all I needed to put him out of my life for good. I am aware of the ways I hurt him – most were made clear to me at the time; some I had come to on my own. I didn’t and still don’t know how deeply I was hurt by our relationship.

I know, and am sorry, that you have first hand experience with both sides of this kind of toxicity. I think that’s why I’m asking you, now that I’ve asked everyone else in my life.

I guess what I’m wondering, as someone intentionally oblivious, being manipulated and abused by someone just as intentionally oblivious of that manipulation, how to understand and prevent it from happening again?

How can I know myself when my mirror is so distorted from years of warping? How can I know my yes when my no has been so absent? How can I recover and share mutual intimacy with future partners? More importantly, how can I love myself after years of being “loved” the wrong way?

Ex-Victim

[Read more…]

Episode #148 — What Can Avatar: The Last Airbender Teach Us About Finding Remption?

August 12, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

It’s very easy to feel like you’re forever going to be defined by your worst decisions or your biggest mistakes. But while you can’t change your past, you can change your future. By examining one of the best redemption arcs in modern media, we can learn how Prince Zuko overcame trauma and earned his redemption… and find how we can learn to find our own in the process.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • How our response to trauma can shape our lives… and why it can transform us into different people
  • Why a desire for acceptance can turn people into villains
  • How to make a break with the past to build a new future
  • Why it’s so hard to make amends
  • Why you have to let go of your desire to be “right”

…and so much more

RELATED LINKS:

How Do You Find Redemption? — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/find-redemption/

How Toxic Masculinity Hurts Everyone — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/toxic-masculinity/

Recovering From Failure — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/recovering-from-failure/

Why It’s So Hard To Be A Good Man — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/why-is-it-so-hard-to-be-a-good-man/

Solving The Incel Phenomenon — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/incel-phenomenon/

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

Am I Just Not Rich Enough to Date?

July 17, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: Today’s column includes a discussion of domestic violence and a brief description of physical abuse.

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I had a normal love life until my early 30’s. Once I hit about age 32 (when women, I think, start evaluating dates more as potential long-term partners), all I got was first dates. After this happened many times and being turned down for a second date by a woman who I was positive had a great time, I told her what was happening to me and asked what I was doing wrong. She told me I didn’t meet most women’s financial standards for a man. She suggested I trade in my brand new sub-compact (which I bought debt-free) for a used ‘Vette and describe my job in a way that would make it seem higher in the hierarchy than it was. I wrote her off as a shallow, materialistic jerk. Several years later, though, when I was on vacation, there was mix-up with my car rental and I got a convertible sports car instead of my usual economy. Four women flirted with me because of the car.

I’m a social worker. My income has been a hair above or below median family income in my city for years and is likely to remain at that level. I work with people who’ve sustained spinal cord and brain injuries. I’m well-known in the disability community as a fierce, relentless warrior who’ll go to the wall to get my patients what they need. I’ve saved countless families from homelessness, guided people through unimaginable emotional trauma, gotten a brain-injured wife out from under the control of the husband who battered her into a coma and forced insurers to spend thousands they didn’t want to. Does all that not matter to the vast majority of women since I drive a Prius and live in a 700 square foot condo?

I can’t imagine doing another job solely to increase my income, but I don’t want to go through the rest of my life with no significant other. I swim laps and lift weights so I check the box of being in good shape. Since I’ve been a social worker for years, I must have good social skills. I have diverse interests so I almost never take a woman out for dinner and movie. A date with me is usually a play, concert, poetry reading, art exhibit opening, etc. and I always pay, so I check the box of not being a cheap, boring date. I’m good with money so I have literally no financial worries. My condo’s paid off and I travel all over the US on vacations. If I cut out the trips and sold the Prius, I could easily afford a loan to get a Porsche, but I love to travel, and the freedom of having no debts, although not as much as I love having a girlfriend.

Should I buy the Porsche and describe my job in misleading terms? That seems like a lousy way to start a relationship, but it’s a lot better than no relationship!

Brental in the Rental

[Read more…]

Am I A Bad Person For Believing That An Abuser Can Change?

March 27, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

When I was 14 or 15, one of my friends at the time told me in passing that her boyfriend had been forceful recently in their physical relationship. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what she was saying but I could tell she was upset so I tried to comfort her the best I could and we moved on from that conversation. A year later, they broke up and I gradually started becoming friends with this ex. In 12th grade, when there were whispers of what she had told me earlier, I am ashamed to say that I didn’t speak up. I remained “neutral”, a very harmful attitude to take, and in doing so I know I hurt her immensely. The other people she had told also didn’t speak up and I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for her. He was dating someone else at that point. Their relationship also ended once school did but I never really inquired as to what went down there.

College started and I became much, much closer to him. We established a friends with benefits situation which slowly turned into a proper relationship. He was good to me. Always respectful, always a good person. I’m not saying this to negate what he did to others, but just to point out how stark the difference was between who he was with me and with them. I know that’s also typical of a lot of abusers.

Earlier this year, his second ex reached out to me. She told me that he had been emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive in their relationship. The things she told me were so terrible that I didn’t know what to say or do. We had just started dating at this point, she told me she was telling me also because she didn’t want him to do the same to me. I thanked her for telling me, and after a lot of deliberation I took the decision to distance myself from him gradually. I also spoke to my friend and apologised for my silence regarding her abuse at the time.

Very recently, his actions in the past have been brought to light on a public platform. He is obviously facing a lot of backlash from people in school for these actions and a lot of people have chosen to cut him out of their lives. From the scattered interactions I’ve had with him since his ex reached out to me, I know he’s been going to therapy more regularly. He’s also apologised to both of them, and obviously they haven’t accepted his apology nor are they under any obligation to. He has never tried to deny, justify or argue against what he’s done. He has unconditionally accepted that he has caused a lot of trauma to these people and he has told me and other people that he is fully ready to face the consequences of his actions.

I feel like I made the right decision by distancing myself for the time being but I’m still confused about what I need to do in the future. I believe that this is an experience he needs to get through on his own. If he doesn’t have people around him to prove to that he is a changed person, and yet he still changes, I truly believe that that won’t be a superficial change because it requires a lot of courage to keep on living and working on yourself when nobody else thinks you deserve anything. His friends don’t have a responsibility to make sure that he’s changed, nor do they have to hold his hand through the process.

As someone who knows him better than anyone else, I have faith that firstly, he truly wants to change and that secondly, he is taking steps to do so. None of that can ever change the hurt and trauma that he caused, nothing can at this point, but the step towards accountability and responsibility is not one that many people take in the first place. That in itself, coupled with the fact that this step is accompanied by concrete actions of therapy, possibility of enrolment in abuser programs, unconditional apologies, makes me think that though the process will be long and difficult for him, he will come out of it better.

If he does, then is it okay for me at that point to be his friend? To say that I have seen the change in you and I believe you are worth my friendship, possibly my love? Does it make me a bad person and does it serve as dismissing the trauma of the victims? Am I a bad friend for saying that I believe he will change but not being there for him?

Very Confused and Guilty

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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