boundaries Archives

Why Am I Still Angry At My Ex?

June 11, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

This is gonna be a long one so I apologize in advance for that. I’ve been having some strong resentful feelings for my ex and I can’t seem to get over him. Let me explain.

At the start of last year I (m) started seeing a guy who I had a huge crush on for the longest time. I should also mention this is was the first guy friend I’ve ever had a crush on and the first guy I’ve dated. Originally he didn’t feel the same way about me. He actually had a crush on someone else at the time. This didn’t stop him from sleeping with me however at a party and after a few weeks of being patient he did tell me he was starting to have feelings for me as well and eventually we started dating. We went out for a few months then he broke up with me, stating he had mental problems and couldn’t handle a relationship at that time. Me caring about his well being was understanding and told him as soon as he’s better we could try again. Only I found out later that was a lie, he was just spoon feeding me some bullshit so he could go out with the guy he originally had a crush on. I was pretty devastated for a while after learning that. I felt betrayed and used. It seemed like I was only a placeholder until this other guy became available.

Anyway, after a few months I met someone else. We hit it off right away, started going out, and almost a year later we’re still together. I can honestly say that my relationship with my current bf is the best I’ve ever had. We connect on so many levels, we share a lot of the same interests and we love each other deeply.

So all in all things worked out for me in the end but here’s my issue. My ex, who I’ve blocked and unfriended on every social media site I can imagine is still part of the same friend circles me and my boyfriend are in, so no matter how hard I try, from time to time he still pops up in my periphery. And every time he does I just feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger and resentment. Before he and I even went out, I’d like to think we were pretty close friends and the way he led me on for a few months only to discard me as soon as it was convenient for him, like I was tissue paper just destroyed all that good will between us.

I know these feelings are unhealthy and that I’m better off with my current boyfriend, but I don’t know if deep down there’s part of me that still cares about him and that’s why I feel this way. I don’t want it to impact what I have now because like I said, we’re all in the same friend groups. Now that things are starting to open up again it’s inevitable that I’ll be running into my ex at some meetup and I don’t know how I’m going to react.

I’ve often thought about sending him a message and just laying it all out there to him and try to bury the hatchet so to speak, but I’ve had some friends tell me that’s a bad idea, that he can just claim no wrongdoing and turn it back around on me and make me feel even worse.

Sorry this was so long. I wanted to provide as much context as possible. I’d be forever grateful for any advice you can provide 🙂

Thanks!

Still Resentful For Some Reason

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How Do I Trust a Boyfriend Who Still Talks to His Ex?

June 2, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My first two marriages ended badly, with my first being abusive and the second him being unfaithful. I’ve been with my current partner a few years now, but we got off to a rough start – long story short when we got together he had a drug issue that I wasn’t aware of. I found out when he tried to quit cold turkey and nearly died. I chose to give him an opportunity to enter a treatment program, and have no reason to believe he hasn’t been 100% compliant, but I still struggle with trust.

He has also remained close with many of his exes, which in general I think is a positive. There are times where it makes me a little insecure (like him keeping a pic of him and an ex on his nightstand, or him making slightly over the top comments on his exes Facebook posts) but haven’t considered it a big deal, and I don’t want to ask him to change if that’s just who he is.

A few weeks ago, something happened that made me nervous about his past drug issue. I was freaking out a little and I looked at his phone for the first time in over a year (he provided me the passcode towards the start of his recovery as a sign of trust, but did not give me explicit permission to look at that moment). Good news was no sign of a relapse, the bad was that a message caught my eye while scrolling through that contained graphic sexual content. I opened the convo – it was between him and an ex and was along the lines of them hashing out a sexual issue they had while they were together years earlier.

I then opened a couple of other convos between him and exes (I know, I know). While I found nothing that indicated there was any current activity or plans in that direction, there were things that made me uncomfortable. Examples include references to things he and an ex did sexually while they were together, comments about how beautiful and sexy they were/are, and in one case a description to the ex of a sex dream that he’d recently had about her.

I tried to bring the issue up in vague terms and he acted confused. I don’t know if I can trust my own judgement here – I am prone to making excuses for others and deciding that if something bothers me it’s my fault. Also, I don’t think a little flirting is necessarily a problem in an otherwise healthy relationship, I just think some of what I saw crosses a line. I don’t even know if confronting him would make me feel better, I don’t want to constantly police his phone, but at the same time I don’t know if I can 100% trust him and with my past, I don’t want to go back to a situation where there are gut feelings I’m ignoring. On the other hand, though, I am generally happy in this relationship and part of me thinks this is just something he doesn’t see the same way I do as I am definitely more sexual conservative.

Another note is that he referenced me frequently (and in positive terms) with all of these same exes, so I know he’s not being dishonest about our status together, and many of them are in committed and seemingly happy relationships as well. Do you think there is a possibility that this is just a difference in boundaries and comfort levels? Is there a possibility that he would find it genuinely surprising that something like this would bother me and if I brought it up as an issue he’d just be more careful? Am I making too much of this or am I, once again, ignoring a huge red flag?

Lines Lines Everywhere A Line

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: What’s Wrong With My Being a Pick-Up Artist?

May 31, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a 29 year old man living in Texas. Growing up and even in my early 20s, I kept getting rejected by women. I was pissed this kept happening so I decided to do something about it. Because look, if I’m the common denominator, the problem is ME.

First, I focused on self-improvement and striving a decent person. I still had ZERO success. And I didn’t even get matches on Tinder.

Then my best friend introduced me to this company called RSD (Real Social Dynamics) and I followed the teachings there. I’ve had multiple girlfriends since, and it’s crazy because I did everything people previously suggested such as do a hobby, work out, be interesting on dates, etc…yet I’m seeing women were into me way more when I started acting like more of an asshole.

Why is PUA stuff like RSD derided when it clearly got some guys like me results? The advice there was much more helpful than ANYTHING I see in the mainstream. Also, when people say this is just manipulation, it’s also on the counterparty because they SELECT for this type of behavior. When I was “kind and decent” I only got rejected and heard “women don’t owe you anything because you’re a kind person”, so I just adapted to what I noticed women I liked responded to.

Really, what’s wrong with doing what works? I sometimes think all these people who never gave me good input and are suddenly expressing outrage with PUA should stfu because they have no business chiming in now.

Thanks,
Socially Dynamic

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Why Am I So Indecisive About Dating?

May 28, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello, Doc.

I’m a long time reader (male, straight) who has been following your site on and off since high school; currently, I am in my mid 20s, with no dating or sexual experience. This doesn’t bother me, per se. At the risk of sounding cocky, I am fairly certain I could date and so on if I tried in earnest, but I’ve only actively pursued a couple women my entire life, to no avail.

I am cynical about long-term relationships and discomfited by the intimacy involved in more casual arrangements. Early relationship excitement does appeal, except I am not an excitable person. I’ve been infatuated twice (see above), more because of unique circumstances (first crush, quarantine) than anything else. That’s unlikely to repeat, in large part because I’d rather it didn’t by now. This tangle of emotions has resulted in endless inaction, yet the notion of remaining celibate indefinitely rankles me. After all, You Only Live Once.

Hence, an ages old internal debate that I like to dub “Sense & Sensibility.” Sensibility would rather I leave matters the way they are, not because of any genuine hope of deliverance but just to enjoy the fantasy of larger-than-life romance a bit longer. Sense opines I’ve wasted enough time dithering and should just date casually; no need to become seriously involved with someone I am “merely fond of” if that offends Sensibility so much, but I could at least enjoy myself. This latter argument seems particularly persuasive when Sensuality (lust, but alliteration makes for alluring allegories) jumps in, but as a contestant it is woefully inconstant and so far Sensibility has enjoyed the advantage of being the incumbent.

With the quarantine hopefully coming to an end soon, the question of what to do is relevant again and therefore eager to torment me. Sometimes I manage to tell myself that, once meeting new people becomes feasible again, I’ll try asking some out and just date for the heck of it. But then the moment passes and I forswear all my plans. Hence, this letter. I am well aware of at least a portion of my flaws and it must be apparent by now that crippling indecisiveness is one of them.

Any advice would help. I should make it clear that my professional and social lives are going fairly well and I am overall content with my current situation, with plans to improve it further. So while I may seem dejected and do want to address this problem, its negative impact is mostly restricted to melancholy moods where I recite Keats to a suitably overcast sky. I try to balance that out by, I don’t know, singing AC/DC to a suitably overcast sky. Skies are nearly always suitably overcast this time of year where I live.

Thank you kindly,

Insert Clever Byname

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How Do I Rebuild My Sexual Self-Esteem?

May 24, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I just want to preface I really enjoy reading you and you’ve helped me out a lot when it comes to try and figure myself out as well as become more confident.

There’s just one aspect of my life in which I don’t feel confident at all: my sexual experience and sexual self-esteem. I’ve only had 2 sexual partners so far, mostly foreplay — that in and of itself isn’t a problem — yet my sexual confidence is at its lowest, even before I lost my virginity. Without wanting to go into details, my ex wasn’t really a supportive person, and everytime I would lose an erection due to performance anxiety, or struggle to adjust to a new position she would point it out in a hurtful way.

I feel this made me completely disinterested in sex, especially because I can’t portray myself in a sexual scenario; I always have the feeling I will fail, or be rebuked again, and I don’t even bother trying to date because I feel like I just CANNOT have sex.

This subject is actually stressing me a lot, and makes me feel like no one would actually want to sleep with me. Do you have any advice on how I could change my mindset or build better sexual confidence / self-esteem? I think I’m in need of some change (it’s pretty much the only area of life I’m not confident about)

Thanks for having me Doc

Soft Focus

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