boundaries Archives - Page 2 of 9

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Avoid Abusive Partners?

August 31, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doctor,
Do you have any tips or advice for screening out toxic/abusive partners from the dating pool? I’m talking about those who are well-rehearsed in appearing sincere, understanding and respectful, so it takes a couple weeks (months, years …) to see the red flags waving. For those of us who’ve been through the psychological wringer in the past, spending even just a few weeks with another such person can be re-traumatizing. By the time you’re starting to see the real them, you’ve also started to share yourself and become emotionally invested/vulnerable. What can you suggest to limit exposure to people who will take advantage of you and dick around with your head & heart?

– Wanna Be Pre-Cog

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: What Do I Do About Someone Else’s Crush On Me?

May 21, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi, Dr. NerdLove;
Thanks for the wonderful column.

I… have a problem with disappearing and I think I need the Chair Leg of Truth. I keep having to deal with other people’s very, very inconvenient crushes on me.

Example #1: I gave up my the forums of my beloved hobby when Married Sad Boner Dude “fell in love” with me. He refused to stop talking about how in love with me he was, or work on his relationship with his wife, so I faded. Not before he threatened to kill himself and implied that I, his True Love could save him by encouraging him to make an intercontinental move to court me.

Example #2: I moved away from my hometown when College Experiment with Heterosexuality Sad Boner Dude was “uncomfortable” with the fact that I insisted upon living near him (which is to say: living with my mother, two hours away). I’m not attending reunions and I donate anonymously to my college, because OMG what if the poor dear gets triggered by seeing my name the way he was when he saw me from the train that one day? (To be fair, we did have a serious case of the zombie relationship, and I don’t blame him for being relieved to see my toxic-to-him ass retreating.) I gave up all my college friends that had any association with him, too. That hurts to this day.

Example #3: I started working remotely when Sad Boner Co-Worker got a crush on me and started acting in a frightening and quasi-stalkery manner. Good luck advancing in my career without being allowed to come into the office more than once a month!

Example #4: I faded from a local con and skipped the workshop I’d paid for last year when Sad Boner Dance Dude decided that I was The One and refused to let me talk to my friends and tried to follow me to my hotel at 3 a.m. I am going back to that con this year. Maybe. I dunno.

Example #5: I just f-locked the archives and all entries for the foreseeable future on my blog, which was middling popular, because another Married Sad Boner dude kept defiantly trampling my boundaries, getting angry when I refused to chat with him while I was busy at work or at dinner with my daughter, trying to sexually dominate me and requesting to see my ass on video chat.

Doctor Nerdlove, I don’t know what to do.

I am RIGHT UPFRONT about being lesbian, about not being even remotely interested in romantic relationships and kind of disgusted by sex with anyone but myself. By PUA standards, I’m a Midwest two when I make the effort, and I never, ever make the effort. I guess I’m kind and friendly and a little funny, and I try to appreciate how awesome every individual is in their own right, but I mention that I’m not available or interested in romance in any way, shape or form. I’ve even tried not bringing it up. That makes it worse. Not saying “not interested” at the beginning and end of every sentence to a Sad Boner Dude feels like he’s going to pounce and say, “Aha! You didn’t say ‘Simon Says,’ NOW YOU HAVE TO MARRY ME. Or at least let me call you my fiancée until I lose interest and wander off.”

The worst thing is, these are good men. They’d be horrified if they read this letter. They’d write me eight-page SAD PANTSFEELS LETTERS about how it wasn’t like that! If you publish this letter, readers of yours will be curling up like they’ve been nutkicked because they’ve done something that remotely resembles this and they feel personally attacked.

But for me, it is like that. Suicide threats. Being followed at night. Getting cornered at the office by a nightmarish 6’3″ ex-cop who keeps telling everyone about how women make shit about abuse up, who then turns up in your parking lot at one in the morning blaring Barry White because he “finds you attractive.” Getting badgered because I’m hanging out with my family instead of worshiping the boner, even though a boner, for me, is a Lovecraftian Elder God with whom I want no truck. Eight-page SAD PANTSFEELS letters.

How do I prevent guys getting crushes on me and mistaking them for an excuse to ignore clearly stated boundaries? Look, I’m sure women do this too, but it’s not a problem I’ve run into with women. And for that matter, what do I do with these Sad Boner Men? When guys do get crushes on me, is there a more constructive response than “three strikes, and I run screaming, because it’s super-mean to exist and not want to be someone’s prize, even though I’ve skipped to the end of that particular book and, spoiler, horrific ruins for everyone and no-one has any fun getting there and the car chases suck”? It feels like I’m cruel to keep visibly existing, but it’s almost always in my own space. Also, I feel like this is one of the reasons you don’t see women in male-dominated fields: there’s this thing where guys fixate on women and the women leave. I really hate the thought of contributing to that. I want to grow a spine, but dang. It’s mean to them and sometimes feels dangerous to me to hang around. I want my blog back. I want my forums back. My mom wants me to visit her.

Is there something I’m missing here? I already carry a taser. Or am I being unreasonable? You’d tell me if I was being unreasonable, right?

Thanks,

The (Vanishing) Villain in the Rom Com

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Boyfriend Is Spying On Other Women

May 7, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I am 5 years into a relationship, and we’ve lived together for 3 of those years. During the past year, a new neighbor moved in next door. She is about a decade younger than us, and often spends time working in her backyard wearing tight short-shorts and an exercise bra. She’s truly gorgeous and model fit with bleached blonde hair. Our kitchen window is above our sink and stove, and it looks directly into her backyard.

My partner has become so distracted by her that it’s uncomfortable for me to be in my own kitchen. I do my best to go about my business and be calm – and keep the curtain closed – but I frequently catch him staring out the window, finding excuses to open the curtains, and coming up with reasons to be in the yard. I’ve even seen him standing in front of the window – with the top half of the window exposed – at night after showering, naked.

I feel a sense of dread in my stomach when I’m heading home, wondering if she’ll be out in the yard today. I’ve brought up my discomfort with my partner twice. The first time, he completely denied it. The next day, he asked me to marry him. The second time he also pretended it wasn’t happening.

I do want to have compassion for him. It must be so exciting to him to have a free show in his own kitchen. But it’s hard to hold my head high. Do you have any insight or advice on how to talk to him about this, or about what I should do?

Thank you,

Tired Of The Show [Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Learn To Trust Women Again?

April 23, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’ve been a reader for a few months now and I have had a…bizarre break-up recently that has left me with worsened problems.

My dating history already isn’t that great to begin with. Nerd in high school, which means the bottom of the social hierarchy. I got teased plenty about X girl liking me, which of course never turned out to be true. And even on the rare occasion that I actually had a crush on someone and confessed, I never got a nice rejection, it was always very mean. My first ‘relationship’ (long story for those quotes) ended because I got passed over in favor of a thieving drug addict, which I only found out because she canceled our weekend plans, met up with him and got her conscience acting up.

That was about 3 years ago and I hadn’t touched dating since on account of fear of betrayal, a generally kind of awful self-esteem and this inherent distrust of any woman showing interest in me. A few weeks ago, things went completely down the shitter as far as I’m concerned in the worst possible way. To make a very long story short, a woman who I met and was falling for hard (the first woman I’d been really interested in since the one mentioned above, mind you) led me on in a fake relationship for 2 months before I found out she was actually lesbian and was making me her unwilling and unknowing beard, a break-up which was every bit of nightmarish as it sounds.

The big question looming over my head for me is ‘where do I go from here’? I tried putting myself out there again and I’ve had women show interest in me but they all immediately get ghosted because I’m scared to death of it happening again. I keep getting that fear again of getting invested in someone only to get used and abused again like I’ve been before. It’s not rational, I’m more than aware but I can’t shake it. I want to be able to trust my emotions with someone but I think my past won’t let me. What do I do?

Once Bitten Shy Guy

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Boyfriend’s Breath Is Killing Our Relationship

February 16, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doctor NerdLove:

I’m sure if I searched the archives of your column I would find this topic discussed somewhere, but I’m writing to you because I feel like my situation with my boyfriend is somewhat unusual. I’ve been with him for several years, and over the course of our relationship, his breath has gone from occasionally stale to horrible. Like “the funk of 40,000 years” terrible.

I initially approached the problem the way most people do. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or embarrass him so I would just gently offer him gum or mints from time to time. I then started saying things like, “You know I think you might have some food stuck in your teeth because I smell something a little off. Maybe you should just do a little flossing.” No matter what I said or suggested, he seemed unfazed.

Finally, I just came right out and said it, “I’m sorry. I don’t know if you perhaps have some sort of reflux issue or if you just need a teeth cleaning, but your breath is…. funky.” I suggested he see a dentist. He said he had a bad experience the last time he got his teeth cleaned (over 15 years ago!) and unless he develops pain, he’s not going back. I’ve set up cleaning appointments for him anyway, and of course he blows them off.

His breath has gotten so bad that I cringe when he talks to people because I’m afraid that they smell it too. In fact, my fears were recently realized when he and I had a big argument (about something unrelated to his breath) and when I was seeking the advice of my sister she interjected with the non sequitur, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be mean, but his breath is terrible. Like I have to hold my breath when he talks to me.” I was mortified.

The issue is now becoming a serious source of tension between me and him. If I ask him to go back and use some mouthwash after he brushes his teeth, he replies with a hostile, “Ugh, you and your sensitivity to smells. Get off my back.” I don’t want to micromanage him or treat him like a child, but unless I resort to rubbing Vicks Vapo-Rub under my nose, I don’t know how to get past this problem. It’s bad and I’m desperate for advice.

Stuck In The Bog of Eternal Stench

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