boundaries Archives

This Is Why Dating Sucks for Everyone (and How To Fix It)

February 4, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Over the last couple of weeks, the Internet has been alive with the sounds of Discourse as multiple videos, TikToks, and columns have covered the latest Worst People In The World who are making dating a misery for everyone.

man looking with surprise at his laptop as flames and sparks leap from the screen — So… business as usual, then.

Whether it’s been the hosts of PUA podcast Fresh ‘n Fit losing their minds after getting bodied by Instagram model Brittany Renner and flipping tables over the idea that women have sex with dudes who aren’t him, or the antics (and subsequent doxxing) of Wes Elm Caleb, it’s been a bonanza of people yelling about the current state of dating. Arguments about what fits the definitions of lovebombing and gaslighting, whether ghosting is a The Sin That Can Never Be Forgiven or whether sex for men is like taking a piss have raged for days, alongside bemused takes memes about the chaos of it all.

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

— Amy (@lolennui) January 21, 2022

Needless to say, it’s been a smorgasborg of relationship drama for folks like me; which trending topic should I share a hot take about first?

Spoiler alert… none of ’em, really. At least, not directly. To be honest, I’m not really interested in detailing and debunking shitty PUA podcast takes, nor am I interested in adjudicating anything about what West End Caleb did or if the fallout was out of proportion. Plenty of folks have covered all of that.

(Plus by the time this column goes up, there will be some new Main Character of the week and my attempt at blatant SEO juice will be laughably out of date.)

No, instead, what I am interested in is how much these incidents provide an illustration on just how dating has become an utter shitshow for everyone involved. In both of these incidents, we have amazing examples of not only toxic masculinity and believing the worst about men and women, but also how many barriers we put between ourselves, our desires and other people. So much of why dating has become a miserable slog comes about because of how often we get in our own way. The little tips, tricks and accepted wisdom we’ve all accumulated over the years seems like solid advice when, in reality, it only serves to make things harder for everyone.

So rather than join the chorus yelling about the Discourse DuJour, I’d like to talk about how we trip ourselves up and practices that make dating better – for ourselves and for others.

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Am I Holding My Girlfriend Back From Her Dream Job?

January 14, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I have been dating this amazing girl for more than a year, and it honestly has been a great. There is one little detail that always gets to me, though. My girlfriend recently graduated from a Master’s program in a field of study she is passionate about. Things being what they are in the job search department, she has been unable to find a job within that particular field.

I am currently entering my last year (hopefully) of my own graduate degree studies and currently have been promoted to a pretty good position at my job (I work at a local theme park) that gives me a 401K and health insurance. My girlfriend and I decided to move in together and she recently got a full time job (at the same theme park, because they were hiring). However, I feel like I am holding her back from her dreams and her professional development.

I often think I should encourage her to look for jobs outside of the state we currently live in, even if it means that we would have to live apart. I don’t want her to think I’m pushing her away, but I also don’t want her to feel stuck at a dead-end job for staying with me.

Career Roadblock

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How Do I Stop Someone Who’s Trying to Ruin My Marriage?

November 17, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello,

I happened to find you through a google search when I tried to look up info about how to avoid creeping people out. I’m emailing you because I want to see if you’re able to answer any questions that I have about your article: “Social Awkwardness is Not an Excuse” in writing? I’m asking because I have limited ability to pick up on non-verbal cues and adhere to social norms due to my Aspergers, which is often resulting in me being subject to numerous complaints to school officials and authorities. Many times, I normally don’t realize that what I happened to do to someone is actually crossing the line until the very last minute, which by then, it’s already too late for me to fix. Here are the following questions:

1. What creepy behaviors would most likely subject the person responsible to civil and/or criminal penalties, including disciplinary action from school?

2. Do difficulties with social cues and norms really increase the risk of unintentionally creeping people out? If so, can you explain how come and how prevalent this issue is?

3. Many times, I often resort to briefly advocating to those I’m about to associate and/or frequently cross paths with about my Aspergers and the extent of it (which especially includes my frequent need for clear communication) in order to reduce the chances of any misconceptions that could happen. What do you have to say about that?

4. I’ve heard rumors that because women and girls are conditioned to be nice in certain situations, any chance of them communicating clearly to you if something was to happen that I may not know about is very rare. Is that really true? If so, how can I possibly get around this?

5. How come can’t you use “I wasn’t really aware since she didn’t communicate her boundaries to me clearly” as an excuse when it comes to being accused of unintentionally creeping her out? Bc for me, this is more of a concern if the circumstances were a misconception

Please note that I am NOT seeking a dating relationship by asking these questions, I’m only trying to make sure I have confidence in building friendships the acceptable way and staying out of trouble in general from there. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you,
Trying To Find The Manual

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How Do I Stop Being Jealous of My Popular Friend?

November 3, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

To start, I’m not the best at socializing; I seem to normally skew more towards listening and observing, and while I’ve gotten better at being social over the years, it’s still something that doesn’t come naturally.

My closest friend, on the other hand, is very extroverted and generally socializes as easily as one breathes, and needless to say, he’s very successful when it comes to befriending people, hooking up, going on dates, etc. Logically, I know it shouldn’t bother me, and I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but it still stings to see him do all this with such apparent ease, and it ends up making me feel very invisible.

I know these feelings aren’t healthy, and I don’t want to risk damaging what is otherwise one of the best friendships I’ve ever had, so how can I manage or overcome my feelings of jealousy?

What I Do In The Shadows

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How Do I Stop Being Angry About My Relationships?

October 29, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

So long story short I am a single guy approaching 30, never been in a relationship and only went out like 2 dates in my entire life. This all boils down to this major issue.

Basically my brother has been in a toxic relationship for as long as I can remember and this relationship has left scars on my self esteem. He is 35 years old, he has been with her since he was 18 years old and she was 14 years old at the time {they are married now with a daughter of 6 months). His wife is a gold digging materialistic manipulator, has never worked a job for more than a couple of months and constantly picks arguments with my parents over bullshit issues. She always requests either myself or my parents to do favours for her and then she literally kicks our asses to the curb afterwards (and my brother does not utter a word of protest that his family members are being treated like dog shit). My brother spent Euro 80,000 on their wedding without her paying a single fucking dime and she only found a job recently so that ” my brother will shut the fuck up about their depleted finances already”.

The issue here is that all my life I have been struggling to try and find a partner and settle down because this always keeps cropping up in my mind… I don’t want to end up like my brother. Mind you my parents constantly keep reminding me to not let this situation effect my opinions on relationships and women because there are awesome women out there who are career oriented and just want a loving partner to come home to.

And also another thing I have been getting into the habit where whenever I start thinking about relationships and women, I start to get really pissed off, angry and frustrated and that having a relationship will set me back in my life. Part of me says its all in my head and that I am overthinking this however I still fall back in the cycle of negativity and bad thoughts.

Any ideas on how to fix this please? I am going to admit, I might be wrong and the above scenario has nothing to do with me however I appreciate a second pair of eyes on this.

Thanks for your help.

Anger Issues

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