relationships Archives - Page 2 of 33

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Cure Commitment Phobia?

October 15, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,
Appreciate the site, and your responses to so many of us trying to figure this whole “desire for romance” thing out. It’s not easy, so thank you.

My question to you regards the idea of “commitment-phobia”. I put it in quotation marks because, while I had heard the term before, I never really knew there was a pattern of behavior associated with the phrase. I just assumed it was what people told themselves/others when they were rejected by someone they fancied so as to alleviate the sting of that rejection. Plus, I know it’s not an actual, clinical diagnosis with criteria that need to be met and so forth so I never really thought it could be a real thing.

Until it happened to me.

I was telling my buddy that the great woman (we’ll call her E) I spent two months with abruptly ended everything and pulled the “I’m not ready for a relationship” card (another phrase I never take at face value, to be honest) out of nowhere. My buddy was aware of how quickly things between myself and E escalated, and upon hearing of her very sudden and unexpected departure, said “yeah dude. She’s afraid of commitment.” After telling him I thought that was bullshit, he went on to explain that commitment-phobia unfolds exactly how things unfolded with E and I. Commitment-phobes are super, crazy hot for you at the beginning, but the second they feel like a real relationship is forming, with obligations and expectations they’ll need to meet, they leave. They’re terrified of these obligations, these expectations, so goes the theory of commitment-phobia.

I started reading what the internet had to say about commitment-phobia and was floored. Blown away by how SPECIFIC these sites/authors were relaying E’s behavior. Our relationship was textbook commitment-phobia, come to find. We met through a friend of a friend and immediately hit it off. Numbers were exchanged that first night, flirted for about a month before our schedules allowed us to see each other again, and we were off and running. Text messages throughout the day, staying with each other two, three nights a week, dinners cooked, friends met and sex, sex, sex. Each and every time we were alone at either my place or hers, it went down. And SHE initiated virtually all of these things. I never said no to her, despite thinking once or twice that we were moving pretty fast, because I was absolutely crazy about her. She was amazing. We had “the talk” two weeks in, where she told me she thought about some reasons she shouldn’t move things forward with me but that she ultimately decided she had to be with me, she felt for me that much. “There’s no way I can not be in a relationship with you” she said, verbatim. I was absolutely over the moon. Couldn’t have been happier to hear her say that, I was head over heels for this woman.

So, this goes on for two months until one Monday night (she always came over on Mondays after her dance class and stayed the night with me; again, we definitely had a routine of shared time down by this point) she arrives without her overnight bag. I ask why she doesn’t have it, and she tells me we need to talk. My heart immediately sunk. Those are never good words to hear from your woman and sure enough, she did what everyone does when they tell you they “need to talk”. She dumped me. And did it by explaining how perfect a guy I am and that “this isn’t some Tinder shit with you, I think about you way too much, all day, and I can’t have that in my life right now. I’m way too busy starting my career and I’ve been through a lot of changes in life recently. You’re such a good, genuine person and I can’t give you what I know you deserve right now, so I have to end this.”

Crushed, broken-hearted and dejected I told her I wished she felt differently, that I would hope this could be something we actually talked about before she made such a big decision, but her mind was made up. So, I told her how much I cared about her and how awesome I thought our connection was one last time and then let her go.

But she didn’t let me go. Again, according to the patterns of behavior associated with commitment-phobia I read so much about, the commitment-phobe will end the relationship only until the anxiety they feel over being in a relationship and all the expectations with it subside, and then they’ll be back in touch. And E was. Not specifically to get back together, but to ask questions that didn’t need asking, to make comments that didn’t need to be made and just overall being unable to go without being in touch for more than two or three weeks at a time. I ultimately had to tell her not to be in touch with me for any reason, no matter how big or small she thought it was unless it was to discuss the rekindling of our intimate and romantic relationship.

To sum things up, and my question to you, is what I should be making of all of this and are the red flags described in the ideas of commitment-phobia something I need to pay closer attention should I find myself in a similar situation in the future? “If it feels great and is moving quickly because two people legitimately have deep feelings for one another, and they realize this soon, then SHUT IT DOWN because one of you is a commitment-phobe”. That just sounds crazy.

Or could E have been legitimately honest when she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship when she did so much, and went so far out of her way to make me think she did, and that she was into me and was in it for the long haul? If that’s the case, how is it possible the idea of her not being ready for a relationship only occurred to her after making it a point to spend as much time with me as she could for two whole months? She’s a mature, adult woman who is HIGHLY educated (38 years old with a Ph.D. in psychology FFS). How could she NOT have known she wasn’t ready for a relationship when we flirted for a month and then she solidified everything herself by bringing up “the talk” and telling me she had to be in a relationship with me?

I’ve had my fair share of experiences with women, I know when they pull the “I’m not ready” card it’s because they’re just not into you, but NOTHING about E’s behavior made me think she wasn’t anything but crazy about me.

What am I missing here?

Signed,
Victim of Commitment-phobia?

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I’m Afraid To Date

October 12, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doc,

I’m going to start with a quick rundown of my dating history for context. I never bothered dating in high school, thinking that those sorts of relationships wouldn’t last and weren’t worth it. Once I got to college though, I…didn’t get much further. I saw relationships everywhere that looked miserable and seemed to end over very petty things. It was all very dramatic. I saw demanding women and inattentive selfish guys getting together constantly and I envied them. I kept thinking that if I had the chance, I would definitely be a better boyfriend and also would probably be wiser at choosing a girlfriend than some of these guys. Instead, regrettably, I became a Nice Guy; a strategy that as you can imagine, didn’t work at all.

When I eventually started dating during my first year of grad school, I decided that the best way to avoid getting trapped in the kind of miserable relationships I’d seen was to design a sort of committed friends with benefits model that in practice ended up with me getting sex and armchair psychotherapy and with her getting….to be quite honest, bad sex and not much else. I got my heart smashed 4 months into this bad experiment and yeah, I royally fucked this up because I didn’t even know what a relationship was much less how to hack them to avoid the problems I saw.

Still I was optimistic that I could do better. I’m 28 now and over the past years I’ve dated a bit in short bursts which never ended up developing into anything you could call a relationship. It just became really clear early on that these arrangements wouldn’t work out which I honestly didn’t take too hard.

The thing that has put new terror into me around the prospect of a serious long term relationship is something that happened to my best friend. He’s a transguy which obviously comes with its own snags, but he is one of the strongest, most resilient, most emotionally intelligent people I know. He spent 3 years in what ended up being a very verbally abusive relationship with his girlfriend and spent the following 3 years depressed and trying to mend himself from the aftermath. He’s doing great now, but if I were unlucky enough to end up in that kind of situation, I think I would be a lot worse at handling it. I don’t think I would have the insight to see it for what it is or the boundaries to stand up for myself/leave the way he did. He did everything right and still had to piece himself together after. This terrifies me.

Relationships on the whole seem dangerous for me to get into at my skill level even though I’m kinda old. I really would like to be in a healthy committed relationship but I don’t have enough faith in myself or humanity to risk getting hurt or hurting someone else because I don’t know what I’m doing.

How do I gain the skills I need when the world is this scary?

Signed
Courage the Cowardly Man

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Lower My Standards?

September 28, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc, I started dating in my early twenties and in that time I learned a lot about who I gel with and who to stay the hell away from. However one thing that I noticed was a common theme:

I kept dating people I wasn’t really attracted to.

I felt that I had to “learn and practice” dating with people I didn’t have much interest and that I had to be “good” at it before going for who I really wanted to date. Mostly because whenever I meet someone I’m really attracted to, I always fuck it up, get oneitis, self-sabotage, and don’t know how to fix it. It feels like the universe conspires to make sure I don’t get what I want and that I don’t deserve it (which is confusing because it’s not like I’m asking for much or anyways. Just someone who is into books, deep conversations, and is on the nerdier and curvier side of physical looks. I really don’t care if someone is “hot” or “smokin” in the looks department). I think those are fair standards right?

I see my types all over the place so “scarcity” shouldn’t be an issue. If I mess up I can just try again. But the problem is that everything feels out of reach for me and that I have to settle for people I am not attracted to (despite having interests in common for friendship which is nice, but I am looking for something more than just friends.) I never have these problems with people I’m not attracted to, but I’ll have sex with them anyways to get my sexual needs met, and then I feel bad for not giving them my full undivided interest and attention when it comes to dating and then I eventually just fade things off.

Is finding sexual partners I want really just a never ending mirage?

Lowered Expectations

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do Turn My Life Around?

September 24, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc

My life is hell and always has been. Especially, for the last four years. I am twenty one years old chronologically, but biologically I am probably in my late thirties, early forties. This is because I have done absolutely nothing for the last four years, and I mean nothing except self destructive behaviour and have my self esteem destroyed by my parents (very controlling, domineering and mean at times).

For the last four years, I have not been in education, employment or training. Almost every day, my day would be spent lying in bed on the internet, pacing around occasionally and eating a lot of junk food. That sounds very bad and it’s is, but it’s not until very recently I have realized just what a intolerable lifestyle this is and how I could have done so much better. I hate it and always have, but for almost all of the last four years I have thought it was the best lifestyle I was capable of. I have no idea why I didn’t try to change it.

There were a couple of people who I spoke to during this time who urged me to change my ways and do something to change it. I never did, as I genuinely felt getting a job was beyond me. I know now it was not. These people remain the most positive social contact I ever had. I treated them poorly and obviously I regret that, but not as much as I do not listening to them.

What hurts most is, I used to be handsome guy three or four years ago and got a lot of attention for my looks. Now, I look nothing like that and very old and tired. Plus, my body is far too young to look and feel how it does.

I have bumped into a few people from high school, too. Their reactions always make me feel bad, as people who I know liked me always seem sad and like they pity me when they see me, whereas people I know who disliked me seem quite happy to see me now. I did not treat anyone badly in high school, so it hurts that they take pleasure in seeing me fail.

What makes it worse is that my brother is going to sixth form in September, as I did five years ago. He has a girlfriend, is going to school and recently got a job in the local cinema I almost applied for at his age (closest I ever came to applying for a job and wish I did it now). It brings back a few memories of me at that age and I can’t stop thinking of what might have been.

I regret everything about the last five years and have become the worst version of myself. It has been my dream to find somebody to love and move in with and finally be free from this prison cell, but my self destructive and lazy habits have robbed me of that hope.

I should have joined the army when I was forced to leave sixth form at 17. If I had I could have been in good health, looking great and flirting with women I like yet i am lying in my bed, unloved and alone. Is this all that life can show to me?

I feel ashamed of myself for how I lived for the last four years. I know it’s my fault I am in this mess and I should not be depressed about ruining my body and appearance as others have much worse problems. Yet, still; I must mourn!

Can I change Doc? Can I become a socially successful attractive guy and get a awesome girlfriend( my own age)? Will I finally leave home even with the poor job prospects I currently have and finally be free? What do I do?

P.S I don’t even enjoy junk food I are it because that was just how things were. My whole family had bad eating habits. How I have lived, both in terms how I treated my body and how barely did anything for four years. It all seems very silly now, but it always does afterwards, doesn’t it?

P.S.S one of those supposed reasons I didn’t apply for a job was because I was too shy for it. When I considered working a the cinema at 16 my parents actively discouraged it for that reason. I shouldn’t have listened to them.

Stuck In The Past

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Cope With Guilt?

September 3, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

(Doctor’s Note: This letter deals with discussion of suicide.)

Dear Dr NerdLove,

I’m a 30 year old guy who is in his first real relationship. I had essentially given up the idea of ever having a relationship, and was honestly quite happy with my “forever alone” status. I’m a semi-professional sportsman and my only other experience with dating was with a teammate when I was 21. We were both so far in the closet we could have been on a ship with Prince Caspian, so it didn’t end well.

Yet now I seem to be in a relationship with a nice, sweet, well adjusted guy who is a few years younger than me and… likes me. Z is attracted to me. Thinks I’m funny. Doesn’t care that I am essentially a hot mess who spends way too much time with his foam roller and is never going to make the major leagues.

And I don’t know what to do about it. I have come out in a low-key way, and although I’m not waving a rainbow flag, everyone in my team knows I’m gay and is okay with it. Particularly when I wasn’t seeing anyone.

I don’t know how to be a boyfriend. I don’t even know if I’m attracted to Z, or if I’m just attracted to the fact he wants me. (I’m not conventionally attractive, being somehow both bald and effeminate.)
I know Z’s not my type, I know the sex hasn’t been great, but he’s inexperienced and I always seem to wind up trying to sleep with him on match days, so if it doesn’t get done quickly I get agonizing cramps in several major muscle groups because fucking after hours of intense exercise is not as easy as it should be.

And there’s a complication.

I recently went on my first tour since Z and I became Facebook official. We talked beforehand and agreed that I would get a tour pass – but he didn’t want to hear about it. What goes on tour stays on tour. (It’s the sporting equivalent of what happens in Vegas, and is honestly the way about half the pro sportsmen I know manage their love lives.)

On tour I met A, and over the course of a week we hooked up. When I first hooked up with him I didn’t realise his actual age – 19. To my shame, I didn’t call a halt to it when I found out how young he was. I remembered myself at 21 and tried to be the kind of person I would have wanted.

What followed was three weeks of this teenager messaging me, trying to get me to tell him I loved him. I was friendly, I was supportive, I told him he didn’t need to be afraid of coming out, that although we lived on opposite sides of the world I would be there for him as much as I could.

Four days before I flew home A killed himself.

I found out about it because immediately prior he messaged me saying he loved me, and after a day and several missed messages, when I called him his mother answered.

I fell apart. I don’t even remember my last game, or getting to the airport. There was no one I could talk to, because the team prefer their token homo not to mention his sexuality, and because A hadn’t told anyone he liked guys.

And I’ve come back to not being able to tell Z what happened. It’s our agreement, what goes on tour stays on tour – only dead boys follow you home so much more than living ones.

I’m seeing a counselor but due to expense, I can’t keep it up. I also can’t keep something else up, which is making Z think I don’t want him anymore. Instead I’m making excuses and getting more and more hyperactive whenever I see him to hide the fact that I am completely fucked up here – I’m out of my depth in this relationship, and I’m hurting so bad for a boy I cared for and, to be frank, a boy I could so easily have been.

Should I just break up with Z – who deserves better – and go back to my comfortable life of being alone? Should I tell him what happened, even if he doesn’t want to hear? Should I keep trying to pick myself up, going to the counseling I can’t afford, and hoping that as time goes by I’ll feel more human? But even if I do… I still won’t have any idea how to function in this relationship.

Dare I say it, Dr NerdLove, you’re my only hope?

Yours,

Didn’t Come Home

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