• Archives
  • Contact Me
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Contact Me

Episode #135 —The 5 Things You Need To Get Over A Breakup

March 11, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment


The reason why you have such a hard time getting over your ex is because most folks have the wrong idea about breakups. The pain of a break-up is equal parts mental and physical. When you’re struggling with how to get over your breakup, you’re almost never handling BOTH halves of the equation.
Getting over your ex quickly and successfully requires that you address both sides of the breakup.

So today I want to give you the 5 things you MUST do in order to get over your breakup and move forward.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • How focusing on the wrong parts of a breakup only prolongs the pain and the heartbreak
  • Why it’s important to let yourself feel the pain and frustration of breaking up with someone
  • How breaking up changes who you are
  • Why staying in contact with your ex is a mistake
  • The secret to getting over the loss of your relationship… quickly

… and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

How To Survive Being Dumped — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/survive-being-dumped/

The (Positive) Value of Anger — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/positive-value-anger/

This Is Why You Can’t Get Over Her — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aevlnBwpEWw

“Cutoff Culture” And The Myth of Closure — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/cutoff-culture-and-the-myth-of-closure/

How To Protect Yourself From A Broken Heart — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/protect-yourself-from-a-broken-heart/

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

Why Does He Keep Failing At Relationships?

February 10, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello, Doc.
I’m 27 years old guy. Lately, I’ve been trying to comprehend my feelings about my last two relationships and setting my boundaries. I’ve always had low self-esteem with all that it implies. No firm boundaries, conflict avoidance and so forth. I’m working on improving my lifestyle and with the changes comes confidence. The only thing that leaves me confused is romantic relationships.

Last year I was dating this girl, May. Mostly out relationship was great. We had similar life positions, we took interest in each other’s hobbies and we hated the same things.

But.

Sometimes she would get really pissed at me for various reasons. Sometimes she would interpret my words or actions in a weird way, like I was trying to be covertly rude with her, other times…I don’t even know…bad mood? When she didn’t like something, she would lash out on me and say, in very unpleasant ways, that I don’t appreciate her. We dated for about six months in total and during that time she broke up with me three times. Every time she apologized shortly after the fight but refused to discuss it. After the third time we didn’t see each other for two months. Then we got back together, spend two weeks doing a lot of romantic stuff and having mind blowing, leg shaking sex (leg shaking for both of us, which was interesting). Until it happened again.

We were discussing our plans for the upcoming weekend when she said she wanted a surprise. I thought it was a cool idea. I said that I too want a surprise. She got mad. I did my best to defuse the situation and it turned out she thought that I meant some passive-aggressive shit like “Oh, I want many things too, honey!”. My idea was that I’d make something for her on one day and she would do something for me on the other. Sometimes I want to be treated like a queen too, you know. I decided that it was time to call it quits and thanked her for the good times. I know, I’m describing her as my crazy ex, but I can put my hands and my heart on the Necronomicon and swear that she is a cool and smart person and it really saddens me that our relationship didn’t work out. I guess we expected different things from each other.

Then there’s July. I dated her before May, about two and a half years ago. It was a hard case of oneitis. I adored her immensely. I had a crush on her since the first time I saw her. After two years of admiring her from a distance I asked her out. We dated for 5 months, she broke up with me and told she wanted to be friends. That was heartbreaking but I tried my best to stay cool. It was very hard to move on, as we are co-workers and I see her every day. But we actually became friends. Not close friends, but still. Over time, though, I started realizing that she’s not that great of a person as I imagined she is. She’s good and caring and all. But I feel like she’s a little resentful, a little tactless and a little manipulative. I say “a little” because usually it’s very subtle, only noticeable by her snarky, out of place or passive-aggressive comments, said under her breath every now and then. It’s subtle and I’d usually pretend I didn’t hear those remarks, but they were enough to make me have bitter-sweet feeling every time we met. Happy to see her but waiting for it to be over.

During the past holidays I fell into depressive mood and didn’t want to see anyone. I only met with my closest family and spend most of the holidays playing videogames with my best friend whom I haven’t seen for months due to life reasons. When we got back to work, it looked like July was avoiding me, keeping her eyes down when walking past me and when our eyes did meet, she would immediately turn away. I texted her to meet me at our usual secret meeting place (we kept our relationship as secret as possible), as I wanted to give presents for her and her daughter. But she replied to me asking why I was so eager to see her all of a sudden, after so many days! That’s where my admiration with her has ended. It was so unexpected and odd. I assume she expected me to reach out to her during the holidays and got offended when I didn’t (except the short exchange of congratulations). But we are not that close to spend all the time together and we met at my place just a few weeks ago. So, I told her that I didn’t insist on meeting and that was the last time we talked. I was thinking to call her if not to restore our friendship then to make peace, at least. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t hold any grudges against her but I don’t want to have her in my life either because relationship with her is not that enjoyable, and it hasn’t been for quite a while.

And here I am, trying to get closure. I learned how to cut people from my life, to stand my ground and not fall into abuse. I don’t have the need to explain my positions in life and just do my thing. That, in turn, means that I’m closing myself from people even more than I did in the past. And potentially remove the possibility to connect with people who might be right for me. What if I was at fault in these two relationships? What if I wasn’t attentive and caring enough? Was it just incompatibility or my inability to adapt and compromise? Surely there was something wrong and stupid I did, I’m a human being after all, though I never mean any harm and I try put a lot of effort into relationships, which makes it even more frustrating. I’d like to pursue a new romantic relationship but I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up with my ignorance.

At this point I will appreciate any advice. Thank you.

Drizzle is a Lifestyle.

[Read more…]

ASK DR. NERDLOVE: How Do You Keep The Spark In Your Relationship?

January 22, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’m answering your most important dating questions! If you have a question about love, sex or dating, then be sure to leave a comment. Maybe the next question I answer will be yours!

This week: How do you keep your relationship from fading into boredom? What’s the secret to keeping the spark making your long-term relationship feel as fresh and hot and alive as when you first met?

Book A Private Coaching Session With Dr. NerdLove

Listen Here
Download Here


 

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It OK To Be Friends With My Wife’s Ex?

October 7, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m writing to you in hopes of receiving your impartial insight into a particularly tricky personal situation. My wife (Alpha) and I just celebrated our 5th anniversary, although prior to getting married we’d already been in a long-term committed relationship that had culminated in living together. There’s one troublesome long-standing issue that’s been present in our relationship since the beginning, though: her ex. Let’s call him Beta.

The three of us have known each other since we were teenagers. At that time, we were all part of an online mailing list, and a few particular folks had formed a smaller, more tightly-knit offshoot. Beta was the one who invited me to join their group of about 8 others, one of whom was Alpha. At the point that I became friends with them, the two of them were already in a long-distance relationship and had already met up in person a few times. I got along better with Beta than Alpha at that that time, likely since he and I shared more interests during those years.

Fast forward several more years to the point where we are all ostensibly young adults. After graduating college, Beta happened to get a job in my neck of the woods. I still chatted with Alpha occasionally and I knew she and Beta were still seeing each other. What I didn’t know was that their relationship was already falling apart at this point. He had been cheating on her with some other online relationship that she found out about and confronted him about. They argued, had a break from each other, and then she tentatively forgave him and tried to get back together with him. That had only been one transgression out of a list of others she’d tried to overlook in an attempt to keep their relationship together though, and eventually the two of them broke up again. There was a period after that where I lost touch with Alpha as she was trying to juggle both picking up the pieces and studying abroad. When I graduated college myself, Beta offered to let me move in with him for a while.

Some years later, Alpha and I began talking more frequently. Eventually, she said she was interested in me. I was interested in her too, but felt torn at the time since I was still rooming with Beta. Before proceeding into a potential relationship, I wanted to talk to him and make sure that he was OK with me seeing his ex-girlfriend and that it wouldn’t be too awkward. He told me he wasn’t bothered by it, so I told her I wanted to give it a shot. We didn’t always click at first, but we eventually said ‘I love you’ to each other and began a serious relationship. I still didn’t know the details about her time with Beta and his cheating on her. She was vocal about her negative feelings toward him, but I stubbornly thought it was something that would ‘work out’ where she would eventually be friends with him again. When she came to visit, it seemed like they were trying to be cordial with each other, at least.

Now that we’ve been together for quite some time and had some long discussions about it, I understand that he cheated on her, and that rather than admitting to her that his feelings for her had diminished, he’d just let their relationship wither away because he wanted to avoid confrontation. I was greatly disappointed in him when I learned how he’d treated her. Beta doesn’t live around here any more, but my other local friends and I have continued to maintain an online friendship with him. That doesn’t make things easier for my wife, but she’s also said that she couldn’t bear to see me cast aside essentially my oldest friend. I keep wondering if things might be easier for her if I did. She’s seen a therapist who has validated the feelings she has about Beta and their relationship, but she’s not ‘free’ from those feelings and can’t fall back on the comfort of ‘well at least I never have to see or hear from him again’. She dreams of him frequently and wakes up feeling exhausted, angry, and depressed simply from having to think about him. I worry that even if he were truly out of her life completely, would any of that really just ‘stop’? I’m not expecting her to either forget or forgive him, but I want to help her not have to feel the pain of that past relationship constantly. Is there something more I should be doing for my wife? Am I being selfish in maintaining my friendship with Beta? I feel like he’s striving to be a better, more honest person. I think, “I’m sure I’ve hurt people when I was younger, too,” but I don’t know if I’m only looking at it through my ‘this guy was my best friend’ lens and I’m actually completely out of line.

Thanks very much for both your time and for any feedback you have to offer, Doc.
Sincerely,

Exes & Oh No’s

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can I Ask Him To Change?

April 12, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc!

I have a problem that basically boils down to “unfortunately this guy I’m seeing hasn’t found your books and columns yet,” but of course the situation is a little more nuanced than that.

I’m in my late 30’s and have been in several medium to long term relationships. I’ve mostly met men online for the past several years, because I like the convenience and lack of ambiguity that you get from a dating site. Finding dates is not a problem, but after spending a long time playing the field and getting to know what really works for me in a relationship, for the past couple of years I’ve been trying to focus on finding someone awesome to build a life with. I’ve got a great career and friends, own my home, have hobbies and interests– I’ve spent a lot of time reading advice from columnists like you, Captain Awkward, Dear Sugar, and Ask Polly, and all of that has helped me become the kind of person I’d like to date! I’m always a work in progress, but I like who I’ve become. I’ve struggled to find that kind of “whole package” in a guy, especially one who wants to commit.

Now I’ve met someone who has tons of potential. He’s got a cool career in a field adjacent to mine (so we already have a lot in common), he’s not 100% my type physically (I like tattoos and glasses, he’s more of a polo shirt and khakis fella) but I do find him attractive and we have good chemistry. He’s liberal and nerdy and doesn’t want kids, just like me. He’s tall and kind and great to cuddle, and he smells fantastic. But there’s just something missing and I don’t know how to really articulate it, let alone find it.

We’ve only been seeing each other for about a month but he’s definitely talking about a future and I can tell he’s very into me. One of the nice things that came from my years of dating around is that I’m pretty good at telling the difference between a guy who’s trying to be a player (or whatever the kids are calling it these days) and a guy who’s very sincere. This guy is sincere af and wants to settle down. And I don’t want to hurt him or waste his time by stringing him along if I’m not going to be able to go all in; I think he deserves better than that.

So what’s making me hesitate? There’s some kind of initiative or assertiveness or joie de vivre that’s missing, and I don’t know how to put my finger on it. Like, he feels like he’s overweight, but he doesn’t work out. He has a dog that’s completely untrained, to the point where she bit me the first time I met her and taking her out in public is iffy, but he hasn’t taken her to obedience classes or tried to train her. He seems content to do whatever I suggest, but he doesn’t take the initiative to come up with cool date ideas. He doesn’t show any particular enthusiasm for… like, anything, to be honest. He’s not NEGATIVE, and he clearly has likes and dislikes, but he just seems sort of placid and meh about things, even things he’s into. He’s smart and not humorless, but I wouldn’t call him witty or sharp, and nothing makes my heart sing like quick banter and bad puns. The sex is nice, but he doesn’t seem lusty, if that makes sense. There’s no edge to him, I guess. And I’m at the point where I know that an edge is definitely not enough to sustain a relationship, but the total lack of it will eventually drive me nuts.

I know, after all this time out there dating, that the guys who grab my heart are the ones who are confident and engaged with the world and enthusiastic, and I know I’m not unique in that. A lot of the self-improvement things you suggest for guys would be great in helping this dude become someone I’d want to be with for the long haul, but I know what a terrible idea it is to date someone with the intention of trying to change them. He has so much potential, though! I know I’ve said that twice now, but it’s true. And I know he would be really sad if I broke things off, but telling him how I feel seems cruel. Is there some kind of script you can suggest for helping him find that vitality that would make me want to become more invested? Should I just leave him alone so he can find a nice girl who will like him the way he is? It seems like such a waste to walk away from a guy I genuinely like who is so close to what I want and who’s so into me, but I know from experience that you can’t change someone. They have to want to change. And maybe he doesn’t! If he was a house, he’d be a fixer-upper and I’d be happy to put in the time. But houses don’t have feelings and people do.
I’m at a loss here. Any words of wisdom?

–This is a Relationship, Not HGTV

[Read more…]

« Previous Page
Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Robin van Steenbergen The only time that word is appropriate is when it is used as a self-appropriated term of endearment and you have consent from that person to use it as such. In private.

    My Crush Sends Me Flirty Texts When She’s Drunk. What Do I Do? ·  January 22, 2021

  • Dr. NerdLove Welp, gave you the chance. Enjoy your two week vacation from commenting.

    My Crush Sends Me Flirty Texts When She’s Drunk. What Do I Do? ·  January 22, 2021

  • Belinda However you want to handle it. I don't care.

    My Crush Sends Me Flirty Texts When She’s Drunk. What Do I Do? ·  January 22, 2021

  • Dr. NerdLove Indeed. Which is why you're being informed that you don't call people sluts here. That's not a debate. Whether I decide to delete your post or not has nothing to do with it.

    My Crush Sends Me Flirty Texts When She’s Drunk. What Do I Do? ·  January 22, 2021

  • Belinda If you want to delete my comment, delete it. This isn't my blog.

    My Crush Sends Me Flirty Texts When She’s Drunk. What Do I Do? ·  January 22, 2021

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attitude attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity Meeting Women mental health oneitis online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship maintenance relationships self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity what not to do youtube