I Love My Partner. So Why Do I Want To Be Single Again?

Hey Doc, 

Right off the bat, AGWST: what you’re feeling is normal and damn near everyone experiences it to one degree or another. One of the tropes about relationships and dating that is my continual pet peeve is the idea that monogamy is simple, easy and everyone can do it. It isn’t, it definitely isn’t easy and no, not everyone can. That’s not a moral failing; that’s just human biology. We are a novelty-seeking species, and one of the most powerful forms of novelty is sexual novelty. Even folks who are ostensibly monogamous still indulge in sexual novelty; folks who watch porn don’t just watch one movie or one particular porn star, after all.

The fact that you’re attracted to other women doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong in your relationship. The fact that you kind of miss going out and hooking up with new people is natural; it’s that thrill of the new. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that your relationship is failing. It just means that you’re a primate with a sex drive, same as everyone  else. While some folks may feel the urge at different levels and some may have an easier time pushing it down, it’s something that hits pretty much everyone. Monogamy just means that you’ve chosen to not sleep with other people; it doesn’t say a damn thing about not wanting to.

However, at the same time: just because things are natural doesn’t mean they can’t fuck up a perfectly good relationship.

Here’s the thing: every relationship comes with a price of entry. It can sound cold when you look at it dispassionately, but every relationship is subject to a cost/benefit analysis.  No relationship, no matter the relationship style, the person, the country or any other condition you care to name, occurs without compromise. If you are in a relationship with someone, you are giving up something. Many times, what you’re giving up is sex or romantic relationships with other people. Other times, it may be a particular type of sex. You may be letting go of dreams of having kids, traveling to exotic locales, working a particular job because now you need to support a family… there is always a compromise being made. The key is that while you may be giving up something that you want, what you get in exchange is so awesome and makes you so happy that you can accept not getting the rest.

Case in point: you like the thrill of meeting someone new, the process of getting to know each other, the build up of attraction and tension to the moment where you and they fall into bed together. That’s both very common and very normal, and for a lot of folks, that’s something that they can’t live without.

However, that’s something you can’t have in the relationship you have with your girlfriend. While some folks are cool with non-monogamy — if they aren’t non-monogamous themselves — others aren’t. Your girlfriend has made it clear that she’s one of the folks who isn’t. Being in a relationship with her means that the price of entry is that you are giving up the thrill of the new. Cheating on her — not “going rogue” or some other euphemism, cheating — will likely destroy her trust in you and your relationship in short order. And while I know my view of infidelity is nuanced, what you’re describing as “very tempting” is a deliberate betrayal of that trust. That’s not “I had a couple too many drinks and failed my Wisdom save”, that would be choosing to do something that you know would hurt her.

So, you’re asking for suggestions. If I’m going to be honest, AGWST, my suggestion would be that you shouldn’t have committed to a monogamous relationship when you started dating her. If that thrill of the new is something that you know you need, then agreeing to a monogamous commitment isn’t a great idea. That’s not something that you “get out of your system” or “goes away in time”; it’s part of who you are and what you need in a relationship. Trying to force yourself to not feel something only ends up making it stronger.

I would also say that moving straight from long-distance to living together wasn’t a great choice. The dynamics of dating when you live in different cities or countries is different than when you live in the same place. Leaping from an LDR straight to living together means having to adjust to a lot of differences very, very quickly, and that can put a pretty significant strain on the relationship. When that leap involves moving to an entirely different country adds a lot of pressure on the relationship; they’re in a place with very little social support or connections besides you. That can make it very hard to deal with the usual stresses that come up in every relationship. Now the stakes involved in resolving your issues are much, much higher than they might be otherwise.

That can put a serious strain on relationships, especially if you’re already feeling like you’re missing being single. It’s harder to have those awkward, necessary conversations when you know that breaking up has vastly different stakes for them.

But all of that would require having access to a Flux Capacitor or a TARDIS and since none of us have those things, the only way we can move is forward.

So under the current situation, you have a choice. You can either decide that what you don’t get — dating and sleeping with other people — is a compromise you can make because what you get in exchange is so worth it. Or you can decide that this isn’t a price you’re willing to pay for your relationship.

It’s certainly possible that she’ll change her mind about opening up the relationship, and there’s nothing saying that you can’t circle back to that discussion down the line. Not every relationship starts off open, and some couples come to ethical non-monogamy after having been monogamous for a while. Some come to it even after having rejected it out of hand previously. However, this usually takes a lot of time while you build up the level of trust, security and communication needed for her to feel ready to consider the possibility.

At the same time, though, she may never get to that point no matter what. Going further into this relationship on the assumption that you will change her mind later is a bad idea. If this is something you knew about yourself from the jump, then you would have a better time saying “I am willing to be monogamous with you for now, but I’ll want to reopen this discussion later,” at the beginning. So if you’re going to go forward with your relationship with her, then you have to do so recognizing that an ethically non-monogamous relationship may never be on the table.

If you do decide to stay with your girlfriend, then I would suggest making a point of keeping the thrills in your sex life a priority. While you can’t keep the initial novelty of a new partner alive forever, you can keep the excitement and adventures together alive. Beyond the biological component, part of why sex and passion fade in relationships is because people fall into ruts. They quit doing so many of the crazy things they did at the start of a relationship — including all the wild sexual encounters — because they’re starting to settle in. When you’re having sex the same ways, at the same times… well, it gets a little repetitive. It gets dull. Part of making a relationship work in the long term means continuing to shake things up, try new things and to avoid falling into patterns. So, in your case, part of what might make monogamy more acceptable as a price of entry would be to put the effort in to keep the sexual novelty and adventure going. Whether it’s exploring kinks together, creating artificial barriers you have to overcome together or stepping up your Gomez Addams game, keeping the spark alive and vital will be an important part of making this relationship work.

And if you still need a little strange on occasion? Get yourself a couple Tengas or Fleshlights, subscribe to some Fansly or OnlyFans profiles and jerk one out.

Good luck.

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Dear Dr NerdLove,

I’m not gonna lie: the first thing I thought of when I read this is one of my favorite fan works from Stjepan Sejic, where Lois is reminded that Superman is still an alien.

But putting the pincers aside…

This is actually an interesting issue, CIMP, because it touches on a number of issues surrounding bodies, sex and worrying about what our partners will think when they see us naked for the first time. Bodies are inherently weird, and everyone has things about theirs that they think are inherently unattractive or offputting. For some it’s cellulite or stretch marks. For others it’s scars from injuries or surgeries. Some folks have large or inverted nipples, gynecomastia or sunken chests. People have hands, feet or limbs that may be different than normal or who have limited mobility or other issues. There can be too much hair in places you think there shouldn’t be any, or not enough in others. Some feel that they’re too fat, others far too skinny. Still others have moles, birthmarks, asymmetries or countless other little quirks and differences that stand out like a glaring red light when we look in the mirror.

And this is never more true than when it comes to our junk. Some folks have pensises and clitorises of varying sizes and shapes — some that curve in odd directions, some that are much larger than normal or much smaller than the average. Same with vulvas, labia, scrotums… all of these come in such wide varieties, and almost everyone is convinced that theirs is weird or unattractive somehow.

But here’s the thing: by the time we’re at the “getting naked” stage of things, it’s almost always fait accompli. When someone’s ready to start peeling your clothes off during furious makeouts, they’re already all-in; they’re into you as the holistic person you are. Whatever thing you think is a disqualifier is rarely going to turn them off or make them change their minds. As it turns out, it’s really hard to ruin the mood when you’re with someone who’s into you, specifically. Most of the time, the things that are unmissable to you are barely noticeable to anyone else, and when they do notice, they usually don’t care.

That having been said, if things go to extremes — such as, say, pulling out a prosthetic or a strap-on that looks like an outtake from Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife — there may be some moments of “wait, WHAT?” that will need to be worked through. After all, here’re a lot of sex toys, prosthetics, dildos and vibrators out there that are as much for the “the cinnamon toast fuck is THAT?” factor as they are about function. Toys from companies like Bad Dragon are impressive to see during a cam show, but may be a bit much for somebody who wasn’t expecting them. Sometimes they can be absurd, sometimes you are convinced there’s no way that thing would fit, sometimes they look anatomically impossible to use, and sometimes they make people go “Wait, why does that have a bicep??”

(If you know, you know.)

But then again, part of what’s made sex toys — penetration toys in particular — more broadly acceptable has been getting away from looking like body parts. Part of why vibrators, penetration toys and insertion toys like Fleshlights got a rap for the perverted or terminally lonely was because they looked like disembodied genitalia.  These days, a lot of penetration toys don’t look sexual at all, but more like objet d’art, when function is allowed to dictate form. So pulling a tentacle or other unusually shaped prosthetics out of the drawer may not necessarily be the showstopper you might worry about.

As a general rule, I’m a big believer that the more likely an issue is going to come up — especially during sex — the sooner it should be brought up to the other person, if only so they can adjust their expectations accordingly. The odds are, by the time you’re at a point where you and your future snugglebunny are at the “your place or mine” stage, they’ll know about your sense of humor. But just as knowing my love of awful jokes doesn’t stop my friends from rolling their eyes at me when I make them, knowing that you think tentacles are hilarious doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily going to expect to see something they last saw in Urotsukidoji when you get together.

In this case, I think that during discussions about your yes, no’s and maybe’s, your must-haves and hard limits, bringing up that most of your toys are from the exotic or novelty end of the spectrum is a good idea. It’s much easier for things to flow smoothly — as smooth as a first time can be, anyway — when folks know more or less what to expect. While it’s not necessarily a deal-breaker, you may have to deal with giggling fits or questions like “how does that even work?” that could slow things down. If they know what they’re likely in for in the first place, then you might still be getting the giggles, but it becomes part of the experience, rather than having to pause while she catches her breath.

Now, speaking strictly for myself, I’m a big believer in preparing for as many contingencies as possible. Having a more standard prosthetic as an option, while not as hilarious, may be a good thing to have on hand. They may not necessarily want that one, but it does mean that you have choices if it turns out that the Beast With A Thousand Tongue isn’t what they were down for that night. At the very least, it means that people who are a little more standard-issue when it comes to sex will be a bit more comfortable at the start.

But then again, who knows? Your pulling out the Dread Cthulhu Lies (Wet) Dreaming out of the drawer may not even be the weirdest thing she’s seen that week.

Good luck.