So Women Don’t Love Assholes?
Oh, to be sure,1 there will always be women who love men (or women, for that matter) who treat them badly; like I said, we’re all kinds of weird and fucked up when it comes to sex and sexual attraction. But in general, what really attracts women are attributes and behaviors that often correspond with being an asshole, rather than assholish behavior in and of itself.
What Can I Learn From This To Be More Attractive To Women?
You knew I was gonna get here eventually, right?
Be A Challenge:
Part of what’s appealing about assholes is that they’re emotionally unavailable. They’re notoriously commitment-phobic, always with one foot potentially out the door. One of the kinks of human psychology is that we want things that we can’t have, and we value the things that we had to fight for more than the things that just fell into our laps. One issue that women have with nice guys is that they’re easy. There’s no real challenge to them. Think about fishing: do you tell the story about the one that you eased out of the water like a young man stepping out of the bath or the one you had to fight tooth and nail to land?
Assholes are selfish. They think of themselves first, last and always. As a result, when they see something they want, they go for it. Nice guys tend to be too concerned about other people. They’re worried about what other people might think. They’re worried about whether the girl they like might like them back. If the nice guy has especially low self-esteem, he’ll worry whether his approaching a woman is an inconvenience to her.
Assholes? They couldn’t care less. And while on paper, this sounds like a negative, in practice it means that they’re approaching women they want. An asshole don’t give a damn whether she likes him already. He couldn’t care less about what other people think about him. He wants a girl, he’s gonna get a girl. If he gets rejected… well, that’s her fault, isn’t it? Rejection rolls off his back and he rolls on to the next girl.
You know what that looks like?
That looks like confidence.
And – say it with me now – confidence is sexy.
Let’s face it, you know what you’re going to get with an asshole. When an asshole is going up to a woman, he’s not trying to be her friend. He’s not trying to convince her that he’s really a sweet guy who wants to hang on her every word, buy her Haagen-Däz when she has a fight with her boyfriend and hang out without the expectation of any sort of sexual encounter later on. He lets her know right from the get go that this is a fuckin’ thing.
This is why assholes don’t get stuck in the Friend Zone.
Nice Guys (notice the capitals) hide their intentions. They pretend to be only interested in friendship, but they’ve got an agenda from the get go. They’re in a relationship under false pretenses; they want their friend to fall in love with them without taking the critical step of actually risking rejection by being honest from the beginning. As a result, when they do make their sudden grand declaration, the woman finds out that her “friend” has basically been lying to her all the time she’d known him.
This ties back into how self-absorbed assholes can be. They don’t care what other people think about them. They’re not worried about other people’s opinions. As far as the asshole is concerned, he’s the shit, baby. He’s money. He’s money and he knows he’s money. Things go wrong and it’s never the asshole’s fault. If a girl rejects him, she’s a bitch. Or a lesbian. Or just plain stupid. The reasons don’t matter, it just all comes down to “I’m awesome and if she couldn’t recognize it, there’s something wrong with her.”
The asshole doesn’t need validation from other people. He gets all he needs from himself.
Nice guys, especially nerdy nice guys, can have incredibly low self-esteem and look to others for validation. This manifests itself in their body language and in the way they respond to other people; they come across as needy and clingy.
The asshole? He doesn’t need anybody. He’s not going to have his ego crushed if his girlfriend argues with him or gets angry. He’s going to keep on not giving a shit because it’s unimportant. He keeps his self-esteem high, and this attitude makes him more attractive to women.
Find the Balance.
The idea that women love assholes is a myth. There are hordes of good guys out there in successful, fulfilling relationships with incredible women.
You caught that, right? Not “nice guys”. Good guys. Y’see, the good guy has found the proper balance between emulating the best parts of an asshole’s behavior without being an asshole. He may be a challenge, but he can also be incredibly sweet. They’re nice, but they still have that “bad boy” edge that assholes can have. They have a little of the drama, the challenge that women find appealing without crossing the line into being a complete jerk. They walk the line between nice and bastard.
Adopt the attributes of an asshole, without becoming one.
Nobody likes an asshole.
- outside of women with emotional issues that lead them to abusive relationships, which is another matter entirely, anyway [↩]