Hi Doctor,
I know you get a lot of messages, but please hear me out. I’m a 16 year old high school junior guy. I’m captain of the swim team, an honors student at one of the top high schools in the country, a lifeguard, and currently have established a business internship for this coming summer. I’ve also been working out everyday, and in the past 5 month’s I went from 220lb to 200lb. For the most part, life is great and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. With that in mind, the one thing that hasn’t worked out is girls.
I’ve tried talking and flirting and either I’ve been unclear and ended up in the friendzone, or I’ve just been rejected. I’m not bitter, because I can’t force someone to feel anyway about me.
My friends say I am too emotional, and that I want too much, by wanting love and deep emotional connection. I know I shouldn’t worry about it, but I was always taught that if I want something, I need to do everything in my power to achieve it. How do I do that with love. I’m just confused. So the question is, how do I go about pursuing that connection and love that I want?
Junior Achiever
OK, JA, let me give you a bit of advice that’s going to help you immensely in your dating life in the years to come:
Slow your roll.
Seriously dude. You’ve got a lot going for you and from the sounds of things, you’ve been doing a lot of awesome work becoming someone women would want to date. But you know what’s going to kill a woman’s interest faster than “actually it’s about ethics in games journalism”? Being way too intense.
There’s a lot to be said for being ambitious and driven in life but that is really going to work against you in the dating world. I get that you really want that feeling of love and intimacy but here’s the thing: giving a girl the full-court press is going to weird a lot of people out. Either you’re going to come across as someone who has poor emotional intelligence and thus someone to avoid or someone who’s incredibly needy and is trying to lock down a relationship before she can figure out that that there’s a reason he’s still single.
Neither of these, to put it mildly, are good looks on you.
And then there’s the fact that you’re a junior in high-school. Not to be too blunt about it but… frankly, any relationship you get into now is going to be coming with an expiration date. 99% of relationships from high-school don’t last past graduation, and 99% of the ones that do don’t make it past the first year of college. So looking for something intense and deep in high-school is going to be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try dating, by any stretch of the imagination. But you should go into this with your eyes wide open and understanding that high-school relationships generally aren’t serious. You’re going to be better off taking things easy and just exploring where things go with a person you’re interested in rather than going full-tilt boogie for cartoon birds and hearts. Treat this more as a time to get your experience in dating and meeting amazing girls while you get ready for your future. Because believe me: that is going to be the start of where you find the sorts of relationships you’re looking for.
Although, again: take things easy. The intense approach ain’t gonna do you any better there.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
My girlfriend of almost 3 years and I are at a crossroads. Part of me is ready to call it quits, and part of me doesn’t want to part with one of the most beautiful and morally righteous girls I’ve ever met. I do love her to pieces but it’s not that infatuated flirty gooey love anymore, it’s the deeper, 3 years together love. We currently live together but I will be moving 45 minutes away for the summer for an incredible internship I’ve been offered.
Pros: First she is a vegan, and I’m so proud of her for that. It’s not because she doesn’t eat meat, but because she found something positive in her life and is so passionate about it and it’s really helped her find a sense of purpose and I fully support her with it. Secondly, she has shown me time and again her faithfulness and trustworthiness toward me which really pulled me out of the chasm of not trusting anyone, ever. Third, she has the kindest heart I’ve ever seen, a real “give the shirt off her back” type of gal. She loves spending time with me and cuddling, even if we’re doing nothing she desires me. Lastly, she’s a very independent young woman that wants to share buying groceries, paying bills, etc.
Cons: I am an avid gamer (especially Rocket League where I’m getting into the level of the pros playing RLCS Contenders and Elites) and she does not support me in the slightest and even gets mad when I play. When she is mad at me or feeling neglected ( I’m a full time 4yr university student in all Senior level classes and also work 20-25 hrs per week) she rips me apart, to where it feels abusive. I’m constantly being called a piece of shit and stupid and every bad word you can think of. And though I’m guilty, and now more than ever of being cold and emotionless toward her, I feel like I’ve completely given up on constantly trying to make her happy to avail. The key to this is that we RARELY have sex ( maybe Once every 2 months if I’m so lucky). I get sex slows down as time goes on but it’s like non existent. There’s no way I can say that if we just had sex more it would instantly make me engaged in her again without sounding like a pig.
I DO NOT want her to not be in my life; I love her and her family and her hard-ass navy SEAL dad even likes and respects me. But I’m to the point where I have no emotion anymore being constantly verbally ripped apart. I also fully believe that sex is a HUGE part of a relationship, and the complete lack there of makes me act like “screw off” toward her. It’s like she’s belittled me to where I don’t get to feel like a man in her eye. I cook for her literally every single day at least one meal per day, I clean up after her, I’ve been helping her pay off some debt from a trip she took to France recently, I offer an ear for her to vent to, I wake up and start her vehicle in the -30 degree weather every morning…etc etc etc…but she is so incredibly ungrateful of all of it. She’s a huge narcissist and when I’m mad at her and we argue I walk away as the bad guy and she’s somehow justified being a complete ass to me. We’ve also been repeating this constant fighting for the better part of year now.
So, I know it’s up to me only whether to end things or not, but do you have any advice for me? I have never for a second ever even thought of being unfaithful and I never in a million years would, but I do know that it’s killing me going months on end without having sex. I know 1000% she’s not cheating, but it feels similar in that she won’t touch me and seems disgusted of me when I try to touch her. I want her in my life but I can’t keep fighting all the time…
-Alias Jimmy Tango
Man, it’s almost like I’d just released a podcast about this.
One of the signs I talk about is how often you have the same fights without things changing. If you’re having the same fights on the same subjects and nothing ever changes… well, odds are that either the problem is deeply embedded in the relationship itself or one of you doesn’t give enough of a shit to change things.
I’m going to leave it as an exercise to the reader as to which it is in your case.
Let me focus on a couple of areas of your letter that leap out at me. The first is how you two fight. It sounds to me like your girlfriend goes for the balls at the first sign of trouble. That… is not good, to put it mildly. In fact, screaming at someone that you’re a stupid piece of shit regularly is one of the first signs I’d say that it’s time to GTFO already. Even if this weren’t pretty fucking well abusive behavior, but how you fight is an indicator of the health of the relationship. Fighting to wound is, quite frankly, a great way to cause emotional injuries to the relationship that take a very long time to heal – if they heal at all.
Now to be fair – and I want to underline that this does not in any way justify abusive behavior – it doesn’t sound like you’ve been giving your girlfriend much priority in your life.
Yeah, you’re busy as fuck with college and work, I get that… but if you’re prioritizing Rocket League and playing in the pro-zone layer over spending time with your girlfriend whom you say you love… well, I’m not exactly going to be surprised that she feels angry and neglected. That, in turn, is going to pretty much turn off any desire she’s going to have to get in the sack with you.
Cooking a meal is great, helping someone pay off their debt is going above and beyond the call of most relationships… but at the same time, that’s not the same as emotional maintenance in a relationship. Especially if this is being part of a relationship score-card.
Here’s the thing about sex in relationships: sometimes a person’s libido declines because of biology or because they’re simply no longer attracted to their partner. Other times though, it’s because it feels like they’re unwanted except as a warm hole for your pole and that isn’t going to make anyone feel that great. So if she’s feeling neglected and you’re saying to her “Hey, if you’d fuck me more often, I’d be more likely to make you happy…” then you’re kind of telling her where your priorities are and that’s going to feel pretty damn insulted.
Again: none of this is an excuse if she’s been abusive to you. But if you want to understand part of why your relationship has been falling apart, then this is going to be a huge component.
Anyway, moving on.
The next thing that leaps out at me is the way you describe her. Using your words here: “huge narcissist”, “complete ass”, “abusive”, “ungrateful”. These are not ways that one usually describes a partner that one wants to keep in their lives.
Frankly, it sounds to me like you’re ready to go and you’re waiting for someone to tell you that it’s ok. So… it’s ok. You can break up with her. You can break up with someone for any reason, honestly, but especially because you aren’t happy and haven’t been happy for a long time. It certainly sounds like you both would be happier without the constant aggravation and misery that the other is inflicting.
I can’t make this decision for you. You need to do some soul-searching and being as absolutely honest with yourself as you can be. But my vote is “this ain’t working” and “get the hell out already.”
Good luck.
Hello Doctor,
I hope you can settle a disagreement I have with an acquaintance about when it is and is not acceptable to approach someone (be it a man or a woman).
The givens for *not* approaching includes anyone who is married or in a committed relationship, coworkers, people commuting (such as on a train or bus, etc.), anyone reading or listening to music in an otherwise public place, and similar situations. He and I agree on these.
Here is where we disagree;
1. Approaching people you share a class with (as in school or college, not relative social status). Basically, they are not there for you to hit on, they are there for the class, and if things go south then you’ve jeopardized class (or work) for both of you.
2. People at your church/synagogue/temple, etc. Using a place of worship for hookups is inappropriate. Unless the place has a special night or functions for singles.
3. Anything like group therapy (AA meetings, for example, even if both people are members)
4. Family reunions (even if they are 12th cousins, it’s still odd and creepy).
5. Women’s pride/protest marches.
Here’s the thing about approaching and not approaching women: there aren’t absolutes (except when they’re wearing headphones) because there will be exceptions. Some people are socially well calibrated and know how to walk the line without making someone feel uncomfortable even on a bus or a plane. Other times women will make a point of inviting you to talk to them at times and places that would otherwise be off limits.
A general rule of thumb is: what is the social context of the situation? Is it a time and place where it’s considered acceptable for strangers to meet and make friends? Is it at a time and place where someone might not feel they can say no or leave without causing offense or taking risk – such as at work or in a confined space? Will your actions be congruent with the expected behavior?
Classes and church, for example, are social spaces. It’s generally accepted that you’re going to get to know people, talk and socialize with others. So while it wouldn’t be appropriate to act like it’s a singles bar – you’re going to be massively incongruous if you do – making friends and building connections that could lead to a date are considered acceptable behavior.
Therapy is a huge no. In fact, groups like Alcoholics Anonymous not only have specific rules about it, but they tend to refer to trying to fuck other AA members as “13th stepping” and it’s considered pretty damn scuzzy.
But pride/protest marches? Family reunions?
No. Just…
no.
