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Dear Dr. Nerd Love,
I know your slogan says, “helping nerds get the girls” but I’m bi and this particular question pertains to a guy.
My issue is that last year I dumped him; after he moved in with his mother I basically felt extremely emotionally separated from him. We had been semi-long distance ever since we met, as we met over an online program called “Second Life” and we are both gamers, huge nerds and both huge Spillios [Fans of Spill.com – ED]. The issue is.. after the break up, we started talking again a few months later, and I’ve noticed that I’m still madly in love with him, to the point that I actually sabotage myself from getting anything else going with anyone. I’ve asked him back multiple times and all I’ve gotten is “maybe” and “we’ll see” It’s driving me insane because even he admits he still has feelings for me; he even calls me when he needs someone to talk to, when he needs someone who understands him and backs him up. I do all of that.. and he even breaks down at times, apologizing for being such an “asshole” – referring to him not taking me back. Which brings me to my question..
Knowing all of this, how can I convince him to stop being such a pussy and just trust me again? Ya know.. take me back? I know his heart on a major level wants it and he sucks at hiding it but his pride is cock blocking (so to speak).
This is really a problem because until I close that chapter one way or another, I can’t move on, and trust me I’ve tried. It’s only going to be worse because he’s moving in with me, so he can further his career as an animator in Dallas.
I’m afraid im gonna lose it or just end up treating him like shit cause i want to protect myself.
Any advice on this?
For the life of me I will never understand people who insist on living with their exes, especially if there are any lingering unresolved issues. If custody of children and/or pets aren’t an issue, it strikes me as being a really good way at making sure that you’re in for a nightmare roommate scenario on many, many levels.
But hey, before we worry about that, let’s focus on the meat of your question.
You want him back. He wants you back… and you’re not back together yet. Either there’s something you’re leaving out here or there’ve been some seriously crossed lines of communication. You say it’s his pride holding him back. I think to a certain extent that it’s also yours. Calling him a pussy for not trusting you after you dumped him isn’t going to help your case.
You say you’ve asked him back many times. OK, fine… except you don’t say whether you apologized for breaking up with him in the first place. You want him back? Well first, you’re going to need to apologize. Sincerely. Tell him why you broke up with him and admit that you were wrong. And then? You’re probably going to need to do some quality groveling.
Your pride may be getting in the way as much as if not more than his. But then, to quote a wise sage:
The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That’s pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.
I will tell you now: regardless of whether you get back together or you end things for good, his moving in with you is a bad idea. He will have just moved to a new city and started a new job. There will be all sorts of stresses and pressures on him and you will be his only social connection for some time. This is not a recipe for a happy relationship. Regardless of whether you get back together or not, he should find a place of his own. Preferably before he gets to town.
Greetings Dr. Nerdlove
I’m a 16 year old Asian geek with a condition. And by condition,I mean 211 lbs of fat all over my body. I’m not *exactly* like your stereotypical “comic-book-guy from The Simpsons” nerd; I socialize, I hang out with my friends, I can (by geek standards) talk to girls, just not in a flirty kind of way. I just don’t move very much. I usually just sit on the couch and watch TV and movies all day. And i’m as comfortable and proud with my weight as the next guy, but Jesus Christ is it hard to be fat. I try so hard to excrete less sweat, just so that i wouldn’t smell so fucking bad. I slouch slightly when i walk and wear baggy clothes just to hide my *cough*rather big*cough* moobs. And I did all this just so that a girl, ANY girl would actually recognize me as an attractive fellow that she wants to have a relationship with, and not just the “lovable, wise-cracking, fat” friend. Lovable my goddamn ass.
I admit, there were some girls who kind of were attracted to me at some point. At least i think they were. Anyway, one of these girls used to tell me constantly that she would date me, or at least go out with me, if i was just a little bit thinner. I don’t know if she was trying to let me down easy or what. I’ve always wanted to tell her that i didn’t need her pity, but whatever.
Anyway, getting back to my question, should i get off my ass and start working out, and change the way i look, and the way i usually do things, just for the sake of meeting someone that would eventually go out with me ?
You shouldn’t start exercising for someone else. You should start exercising for yourself. You say that you’re comfortable, but you mention you have sweat and odor issues and you try to hide your physique with baggy clothes (which really doesn’t help, by the way) and slouching. That tells me you’re not terribly happy with the state of things.
You don’t have to hit the gym and become a complete body Nazi, but a proper diet and regular exercise will do you a world of good – both in terms of improving your health and your self-esteem. Start off slowly; just walking to start with and slowly moving your way up to other forms of exercise. As you build up your endurance, you may either want to look into joining a gym and working with a trainer, or trying a program such as Couch to 5K. Losing weight will help with your physical issues and the endorphins will do great things to your peace of mind. Not worrying about what others think about your moobs or whether your deodorant is keeping pace with you will build back your self-esteem and those girls you mentioned before will come flocking like they hadn’t before.
And frankly? There’s nothing quite like former-fat-guy revenge sex. Just sayin’.
Good luck.
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