We live more and more of our lives online, and that means that more of our relationships start there too. But most guys don’t know how to flirt effectively on Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. If you want to be the guy that women like to talk to and enjoy hearing from, not just another thirsty dude trying to slide into her DMs, then you want to follow these rules for flirting with women on social media.
- The three deadly sins of flirting on social media
- How to get women to want to respond to YOU
- Why what you say will affect how she sees you
- How to be attractive on Facebook and Instagram
- The right way to get slide into her DMs
…and so much more.
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Hey everyone, Harris O’Malley from doctornerdlove.com, brought to you by my generous patrons at patreon.com/drnerdlove, and today I want to share with you some tips about how to flirt with women on social media.
Lately I’ve been getting so many variations on the question of “Hey, I really like this person I saw on Instagram, how do I get into her DMs” that it’s becoming it’s own subgenre of letters.
Now my general tip for trying to pick up women on social media has historically been pretty simple:
But that’s not realistic in this day and age. We live more and more of our lives online and social media is often both how we connect with our friends, but also the water cooler and public square of our day. It shouldn’t be surprising that, with as much time as we spend on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr and so on, that a number of relationships start there. And that covers everything from folks who shitpost their way to friendship to sexual and romantic relationships.
The problem, as it often is, is in the way some dudes try to shoot their shot… and end up just shooting themselves in the foot.
… ok maybe I should workshop that one a bit more.
And it’s not just the Instagram models or cosplayers or professionally pretty people who’re getting dudes rolling up on them, it’s women in general.
I mean, seriously, one of my friends gets four to five dudes sliding into her DMs on Insta, DAILY. And they’re all just as unoriginal and uninteresting as you might expect.
But I don’t want YOU guys to be like that. I want YOU to be the guy that women like to talk to and enjoy hearing from, not just another horny dude trying to slide into her DMs.
So if you’re gonna do this — and evidence suggests that you are — then I want you to do it right, in the way that actually works. So I’m going to give you 5 rules for flirting with women on social media.
But before we get to that, you need to know what you need to AVOID doing. There are three cardinal sins when it comes to making a connection on social media.
Sin number 1: The Reply Guy. These are the guys who can’t stop themselves from replying to, liking and commenting on just about everything a woman posts. They’re also the ones who tend to get caught going deep in the creep and liking women’s pics on Insta and Facebook from years ago.
The comments can range from the incredibly obsequious to the graphic and explicit but regardless of what they say, they end up coming off like these dudes.
(And it’s always plural; those guys travel in packs.)
They’re almost always leading with their dicks which is a great way to catch a mute or an insta-block.
Seriously dude, Amouranth isn’t gonna follow you back no matter how much you beg.
Sin number 2: The UM ACTUALLY. Unsolicited Advice Guy. This tends to come from the position of “Let me tell you how you’re wrong” or “Here, let me try to solve your problem for you”, which is… almost always less than helpful, especially if they weren’t specifically asking for help.
Someone venting about an issue on social media isn’t an invitation for your solution.
And it’s a really bad look when you try to hit on someone after having done this.
I mean, bold of you to assume that they need your input or they haven’t already tried and dismissed the idea that you suggested. It’s better to wait until someone actually asks for input from strangers, otherwise… yeah, you just end up being one dude posting the same obvious solution in a stream of dudes posting that solution in their timeline.
Sin number 3: Unwarranted Familiarity. These are the ones that assume far too much from what’s almost always a one-sided parasocial relationship. These are the folks who try to do that antagonistic joking friendship thing… with people they AREN’T actually friends with.
The guys who try to leap into shared jokes, who use nicknames that they’ve seen other people use or otherwise are overly familiar with someone they don’t know or have permission to act this way wither assuming a level of privilege and friendship with the person that they don’t actually have… which can be deeply irritating.
From the perspective of the person looking at their Insta crush’s OTHER interactions, it can seem absurd; all these OTHER folks get to make these jokes or say these things and don’t get blocked for it. But that’s because those people actually have history with her; they’ve got joke privileges or nickname privileges with her because of that shared history and relationship that ALREADY exists.
I mean, think of how annoying it is when someone YOU don’t know tries to jump in on an inside joke you have with your friends. It feels incredibly try-hard and annoying. That’s how it feels when some rando does that to someone on Instagram or Twitter.
These are the guys who are all competing and failing to get the attention of the women they’re into on Instagram. Here’s how you are gonna stand out from the pack.
Rule #1: You want to focus on making a REAL connection. That means making a strong, POSITIVE, first impression. Your first interaction with someone on social media, especially if you’re strangers or only have a couple mutual friends is important, because it’s going to color how they see you.
When you’re starting to try to make a connection with someone on social media, pay attention to the things you say. Your comments — whether it’s a reply in a Facebook post or Twitter, on Snapchat or commenting on their photo on Instagram is going to affect their attitude towards you. Coming in with snark, attitude or UM, ACTUALLY is going to mean that they’re more likely to dismiss you right off the bat.
You want to have something WORTH saying. Part of the reason why folks DON’T respond to comments is that most of the time, those comments are either rude or just… enh.
What you want to do is be able to contribute to the conversation in a meaningful and engaging way. Ideally something insightful, observant and intelligent. Note that I said “intelligent”, not “clever”. Everyone thinks they’re clever, most of the time they’re not. And the fail state of “clever” is “asshole”.
A good rule of thumb to keep in mind is to always complement someone on their accomplishments, something that they had a direct hand in. Telling a cosplayer how hot she looks isn’t gonna do anything for you. All this is doing is make you one voice in the chorus that’s telling her how lucky she was that she won the genetic lottery.
On the other hand, having something insightful to say about the WORK she put in — the quality of the costume, the skill it took to take something designed for two-dimensions and make it into something that works in real life, the composition of the shot and so on — is much more meaningful. You’re showing that you pay attention to the things that she’s worked hard on and can make an intelligent comment about it. Be the guy who is able to pay her a meaningful compliment her outfit or her makeup, ask for her opinions on something having to do with her picture and the things she worked on.
Yeah, I know, you don’t know anything about makeup or fashion or whatever else she might be proud of. But I’ve seen the spreadsheets you’ve put together to max out your PVE builds in MMOs. If y’all can RAID-spec for for the latest season on Destiny, y’all can learn about winged liner and kitten heels.
And as a free tip: asking for their opinions, thoughts or insight is a power move. Most guys never do this; they’re too busy trying to demonstrate how cool THEY are instead. Giving someone space to talk about the thing THEY love and show that you appreciate THEIR thoughts about it? That’s going to make you stand out from the crowd AND make you much more interesting to them.
Incidentally: DON’T just comment on her bikini pics or thirst traps. Everyone else is doing that. Focus on the interesting pics or posts, the ones that really showcase her personality and things she loves.
But while we’re talking about first impressions
Rule #2: Clean up your own social media first.
The other part of making a good impression on social media is making sure your profile and presence is top notch too. Let’s say you’ve had a couple good interactions with someone in the comments on a post in a Facebook group and you send her a friend request.
Of COURSE she’s going to check out your Facebook profile first. She wants to get a feel for who this person is.
The same is true of your Instagram, Twitter… it’s 2020, folks are gonna judge you by what you post and the pictures you share. In a very real way, your social media presence is your life’s resume. And let’s be real: if you’re gonna apply for a job, you’re gonna polish up your resume.
As with online dating, this is one of the areas that guys get things wrong. A lot of dudes think that having an attractive presence on social media is about looking like the baddest of the bad and the coolest of the cool, and that’s not the case. What you do want to do is convey who you authentically are… in the best light.
So to start with: consider the posts you make. A lot of folks — myself included — often use social media to vent to our friends. But what a lot of us never stop to think is about how this looks to other people, especially people who don’t know us. If your posts nothing but complaints about how everything is unfair and an unending string of Fuck My Lifes… well, it’s not going to be a mystery why you get so few replies. Nobody’s going to want get in on that misery parade.
Life’s hard enough, folks don’t want to deal with someone ELSE’S unrelenting negativity, especially a stranger’s.
And the less said about being constantly horny on main, the better.
You want to focus on the positive: what’s good in the world, in your life or otherwise makes you smile? Positive people have more friends and are happier overall… and they’re more fun to be around. And fun is one of the most attractive qualities a man can have.
The same goes for your replies on other people’s threads, posts and pics. Being the snarky, sardonic asshole is only fun if you’re on TV. Nobody actually LIKES House or Sherlock or Rick Sanchez, not when they have to actually deal with people like them in the real world. It’s not fun, it’s not attractive and it’s gonna turn people off and drive them away.
Similarly, your photos, should convey that your life is actually pretty sweet. Not in the “look at how amazing my lifestyle is as I party like a rockstar” sense but in the “We’re having a great time!” Have pictures of you and your friends doing fun things, take photos of awesome stuff you did on vacation or the things that make you smile. Worry less about what’s “cool” or “impressive”, especially to strangers, and more about being and conveying the best, most authentic version of who YOU are.
Trust me: the fake front falls apart REALLY quickly, especially when people meet you in person. And don’t forget: the whole point of flirting with women on social media is to actually MEET them in person.
Rule #3: Look for Commonalities
One of the most important aspects of flirting on social media is exactly the same as it is with flirting in person: look for the things you have in common. Like I’m always saying: we are most attracted to people who are like US.
One of the fastest and easiest ways to bond with someone is over shared interests, shared hobbies, history or things that you both love. There’s no better example of how powerful commonalities can be for bonding with someone, than to think of how quickly you’ve started to like someone when you both talk about how much you love a particular musician or the cartoons you used to live for when you were kids.
I mean, hell, entire communities have sprung up around a shared love of podcasts like My Favorite Murder or Twitch streams like Critical Role that have lead to people having long lasting friendships — even romances — with fellow murderinos, critters and others.
Finding and emphasizing those similarities not only makes you someone they’re more likely to respond to, or accept a DM from, but it gives you specific things to comment on. You’re more likely to get a reply with a comment about, say, their favorite brand of whiskey than on how hot they are in that picture.
“Woah, you like Angel’s Envy too? That’s awesome, have you ever tried Balcones Baby Blue?”
Now the nice thing is that the way we use social media makes it very easy to find those commonalities, especially if you pay attention. When you see recurring themes, interests or hobbies crop up in their posts or pictures, you’ll have more insight into things you can talk about with them.
It also means that when you do reach the point of talking privately via DM or WhatsApp or what-have-you, you can seek out memes, funny posts or cool things to share with them. A couple of friends I have on Instagram trade posts back and forth from InpsiroBot. I trade posts about tattoos and cool local restaurants with another. Other folks I’m connected with on social media are my shitpost buddies.
Seriously, you’d be amazed at how easy it is to shitpost your way to friendship.
Just remember; the more you have in common, the easier it is to leverage those shared interests into building a connection with someone.
Rule #4: Leave your dick out of it.
So I know you’re flirting and part of the point of flirting is that you’re showing someone you’re interested in them romantically and sexually. The problem is that most of the interactions women tend to have with strangers on social media, is usually going to involve dudes telling them how much they’d like to drink her bathwater.
And yeah, lots of women post thirst pics, and they want folks to comment on them. The whole point is the thirst, that’s why they’re sharing them. But they aren’t looking at the comments on THOSE pictures and thinking “yup these are guys I would definitely accept a DM from”.
If you want to be the guy she wants to hear from, you’ve got to have more going on than just “I think you’re hot” or the social media equivalent of
<gesturing to crotch and nodding>
And even when it comes to folks they’ve met via, say, some good interactions on a Facebook group or Twitter thread, most women on social media are used to dudes throwing their dick in the ring almost immediately.
And here’s the thing: when you’re first connecting with them, they’re HOPING you’re gonna be one of the cool ones, one of the guys who isn’t just going to roll into the DMs and start being all “Heeeeey show feet”. They WANT you to be cool.
So don’t disappoint them.
When you’re flirting, take it slow, keep it light at first. Trying to rush it is only gonna get you insta-blocked. Those first couple of light pings are strictly to gauge potential interest in flirting, that’s it. Some folks are going to be cool with flirting for fun but not with serious intent. Start light, let things build and and follow THEIR lead. If they’re not interested, then back off and just be a friend. If they decide to escalate, meet them at THEIR level, don’t try to blaze past it.
Successful flirting requires comfort and security. Going too hard, too fast, means you won’t have either.
Speaking of going too fast:
Rule #5: Go for Consistency And Connection, not Speed.
Part of the reason why women will side-eye a dude who immediately slides into her DMs is because they’ve all had guys who will start asking for pics or sex IN THE VERY FIRST CONVERSATION.
Not really much of a surprise that women treat the guy who DMs her out of the clear blue sky with a certain amount of suspicion.
When you’re looking at someone’s mentions or their conversations on social media and see how they’re joking around, even flirting with certain people — people who can and DO say things that you’d catch a block for? That’s because THOSE folks are known quantities. They’ve built up a relationship with those women over time. They’ve got a connection. You don’t.
At least… not yet.
Now I know some folks will dive into the DMs right away and there are people who’re ok with that. But it’s a move that comes with risks and the odds that it’s going to work for you are low.
In my experience, and in my opinion, it’s better to have some good, solid interactions first. When you’ve had a few back and forth conversations together and they respond to you regularly, then you’re in a better position to take it private. You’re a known quantity at this point, someone who’s earned her trust unlike of all the OTHER guys out there.
Yes, this can take some time and you’re hornt up now. Look at the time spent as an investment. Invest it wisely now, and it’ll pay off for you down the line.
But don’t think that just because you’re in her DMs, the job’s done. You’re still going to have to build that connection and get to the point of taking her out on a date. Flirting with someone on social media is great, but never forget: the point is to get her to want to see you… in the real world.