Have you struggled with relationships that were bad for you?
Maybe you’ve been in a toxic relationship with somebody who was always manipulating you into ways of getting what they wanted, leaving you feeling like a doormat. Maybe you had friends who treated you badly or would pressure you into going along with jokes at your expense or doing things that made you uncomfortable or went against your values.
Or perhaps you’ve had family members who would leverage guilt or reciprocity to make you do whatever they want, even if it’s a huge inconvenience to you or emotionally draining or even damaging. Or you were constantly being made to feel as though your interests, desires or wants were unimportant or inconvenient… even if it’s simply “don’t treat me like sh*t.”
One of the most important things you can do to ensure you have strong, healthy relationships — with your wife or girlfriend, your friends, your family or even your co-workers — is to have strong boundaries.
Today, I’m going to teach you how to build strong boundaries… and how to enforce them.
SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:
- What one viral video teaches us about toxic relationships
- Why abusers and toxic people prey on people with weak boundaries
- How abusers trick you into lowering your boundaries for them
- How to push back when people push against your boundaries
- The most important part of maintaining healthy relationships
…and so much more
RELATED LINKS:
What Will You Put Up With? Boundaries, Self-Esteem and Dating
How Do I Avoid Abusive Relationships?
How Do I Get My Family To Respect My Boundaries?
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TRANSCRIPT:
Hey everyone, Harris O’Malley from doctornerdlove.com, brought to you by my generous patrons at patreon.com/drnerdlove.
Today, I want to talk to you about the one thing you can do that will help ensure that you have strong, positive, healthy relationships. And I don’t just mean romantic relationships; following this advice will help strengthen all of your relationships, whether with lovers and partners, with friends, even with your co-workers or your family.
But before we talk about that specifically, let me set a scene for you.
Last week — which I realize is an eternity in Internet time, especially when you’re talking about viral video — some friends of mine sent me this video from TikTok user boymom_ashley and wanted to know what I thought.
A woman has decided that she’s going to call the question on her relationship with her boyfriend and is demanding that either they get married LITREALLY right then, or they’re going to break up.
Personally, my advice is to break up because honestly, this is the worst possible way to go about trying to resolve somebody’s commitment issues… assuming that a) that’s the problem and b) he wants to get married in the first place.
Leaving aside that this particular stunt could actually get him fired from his job and also allowing for the fact that this is almost certainly set up for viral fame, this is a great — if extreme — example of someone trying to pressure their partner into doing something that they may or may not want to do. She is making a public spectacle out of her desire to get married in such a way that her boyfriend is going to feel pressured into giving in.
What she is doing is, ultimately, trying to force his hand. What he does next — and who knows, the video ends before we ever find out — will determine the nature of his relationship for the rest of the time they’re together.
Now like I said: this is an extreme example. But maybe you’ve experienced something similar: somebody pushing you into agreeing to, or tolerating or going along with something that you don’t want to do, or aren’t comfortable with, or have a strong objection to.
Maybe you’ve been in a toxic relationship with somebody who was always manipulating you into ways of getting what they wanted, leaving you feeling like a doormat. Maybe you had friends who treated you badly or would pressure you into going along with jokes at your expense or doing things that made you uncomfortable or went against your values.
Or perhaps you’ve had family members who would leverage guilt or reciprocity to make you do whatever they want, even if it’s a huge inconvenience to you or emotionally draining or even damaging. Or you were constantly being made to feel as though your interests, desires or wants were unimportant or inconvenient… even if it’s simply “don’t treat me like shit.”
Let me give you a personal example from my life. Way back in college, I was in a relationship that was, frankly, incredibly toxic. One of the biggest conflicts I had with my girlfriend at the time was that she didn’t like my spending time with my friends instead of with her; as far as she was concerned, she should be my first and only priority. Just as importantly: she thought a lot of my hobbies and interests were stupid or juvenile… such as wanting to play in my friends’ Mage campaign. To her, it was immature and dumb and she didn’t understand why anyone would pretend to do something. And since she didn’t understand or care for it, she saw no reason why I should “waste” my time on it.
I put up with this because, honestly, this was my first serious relationship. I had incredibly low self-esteem and thought this was going to be the only chance I had at being in a relationship and went along with things, in no small apart because she would hold the status of our relationship hostage. If I didn’t want to, say, go to the mall with her, then she’d just find somebody who would. With the implication of either cheating on me with that person or just breaking up with me.
There was one weekend where I had actually gotten “permission” to take part in my friends game — which in and of itself was a red flag. I blocked out the majority of the day for gaming with my friends. And if you’ve played most tabletop RPGs, then you know that the average session is usually hours long. I had been with my friends for less than an hour before she showed up, declared that there was some thing we had to do together — I forget what, it’s honestly not important — and dragged me away from my friends and the game. And not only did I go along with it, I wasn’t “allowed” to have the time to join them again.
I let her have her way… just like I did over and over again. Didn’t matter what we were doing; it could be what to watch on TV that night, what to rent from Blockbuster (yes, I know, I’m old), even having to spend literal HOURS on the phone with her over spring and summer break, even when I was exhausted and begging her to let me go to sleep. If she didn’t get her way, things would escalate to a fight that would culminate in threats of ending the relationship.
She was able to do all of this because I had poor boundaries. I didn’t stand up for myself and as a result, I may as well have tattooed “welcome” on my back, because I was being a doormat.
To give another example of someone trying to override somebody’s boundaries: a friend of mine was married to a guy who was always pushing her to have threesomes with various female friends. Whenever she would refuse or get upset that he kept bringing it up even though she said no every time, he would give her the silent treatment to “punish” her, becoming more and more passive aggressive and demanding to know why she was always so inconsiderate of his needs. He would make life incredibly uncomfortable and inconvenient for her, in order to push her into doing something that she did NOT want to do, with anyone, ever.
But it’s not just romantic or sexual partners who will push at your boundaries. Friends and family may do it too. You may have the person in your social circle who will run roughshod over other people to get their way and use social pressure to get other people to go along, no matter how much it might bother them. Or the “friend” who constantly “teases” you or “busts your balls”, especially around other people and loves to embarrass you in public. And if you object, they pressure you into backing down.
This might include telling you not to be such a killjoy or a bitch or a wuss because you tell them to knock it off. They may say that you’re the only person who has a problem with it — whatever “it” may be — and that you’re being unreasonable. Or that you’re taking things too seriously and it’s all in fun and they don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of it. In fact, a lot of folks will tell you that you’re “being unreasonable”.
Or you might have the coworker who keeps dumping responsibilities into your lap, things that aren’t actually part of your job. Or they may insist on doing things “for you” that you don’t want and then insisting that you owe them because they did this, that or the other thing — even though you never asked them to and you may not have wanted it in the first place.
These are all people who look to trade on your having weak boundaries. They rely on your being willing to give in rather than make trouble or stand up for yourself.
In fact, predators and abusers RELY on your having low or weak boundaries. People who hold and maintain strong boundaries rarely fall for their manipulation, or give into their pressure.
But part of what can be so insidious is how often that they’ll make your having boundaries seem unreasonable — or even try to use them against you.
The HBO documentary series The Vow, illustrates one of the ways that abusers will try to use your boundaries against you through what’s known as “frame control”. One of the things that was revealed by Sarah Edmondson when she left the cult, NXIVM, was the way that the sub-group DOS would coerce women into slavery through blackmail. They framed it first in terms of accountability — encouraging people to keep their promises — and then in terms of ethics, trust and being honorable. You were expected to provide something deeply personal and damaging as a way of being held accountable to keep your word and do what your “master” said — something other, reasonable people would call “blackmail”. But the way that it was framed was that if you were honorable and trustworthy, then you shouldn’t have any hesitation to give that collateral. After all, if you were honorable and could be relied on to keep your promise, then it would never come up and never be released, so where’s the risk? You should be ready to prove just how honorable and stalwart you are by providing this incredibly damaging or embarrassing “collateral”.
The sneaky thing about this trick is that the way it’s framed means that if you start arguing about the terms or why it is or isn’t necessary to provide that material, you’ve ALREADY passively accepted the framing — that somebody who’s honorable wouldn’t worry about this.
Moreover, you’ve agreed that THEY get to decide who is honorable or what makes someone trustworthy and by NOT going along, you are agreeing that you aren’t. And since very few people want to believe they’re not honorable or can’t be trusted to keep their word, there’s more pressure to give in.
But boundary violations don’t just look like someone trying to coerce or compel you into doing something reprehensible or something you can’t stand. Sometimes it can look like someone wanting to do something they like — possibly even something for you — even though they know it bothers you.
So, say, a family member who signs you up for a program or a class, even though you never asked them to, is pushing at your boundaries — especially when they expect you to be grateful or to do something in return.
A partner who keeps making little comments about something they want — deeper commitment, plans for the future, kids, sexual experiences, what-have-you — even though you have said that you don’t want those things, is pushing at your boundaries. They may not be aware of it, but constantly making those comments are a way of pushing you to give them what they want. By bringing it up in little ways that may not seem that important at the time, it’s harder to object without looking like you’re overreacting. Or they may bring up a subject that you find uncomfortable or don’t want to discuss with the rational that “well, I have to because it’s important for you to know X”.
As one example: I’ve had coaching clients in open relationships who preferred not getting the details about who their partner was seeing or dating besides them, but whose partners would “casually” bring it up anyway, or who would bait them into asking about their plans for the weekend so that it would “just happen” to come up.
I’ve had other clients who weren’t interested in marriage or kids, but whose partner would casually make references to when they got engaged or what their future kids might be like in front of other people — forcing my clients to just clam up and not say anything rather than risk making a scene.
And of course, there’re the folks who will do things that upset you, hurt you or make you uncomfortable because “it’s for your own good”. They will tell you that they HAVE to ignore your boundaries because
“it’s important” or because they “need” to, and they feel that their needs or desires override yours.
And of course, there’s the ever popular appeal to the relationship: “If you were REALLY my friend you’d do this” or “Real friends/boyfriends/girlfriends do that.”
So how do you face these challenges and establish strong boundaries?
First, you have to remember that boundaries are personal, individual and granular. The fact that you let ONE person do X or this particular person can do or talk about Y with you, z doesn’t mean that everyone gets to do so. Your relationship with each individual person is going to vary, which means that your boundaries with each person will ALSO vary. For example, in your social circle, some people may have your permission to do things — hug or touch you without needing to ask first, playfully swat your butt, whatever — that others don’t. The fact other people can, doesn’t mean that everyone gets to.
This is because your boundaries ARE NOT A DEMOCRACY. You are permitted to set your boundaries wherever you want, and other people don’t get a vote. They don’t get to decide for you that your boundaries are too much, that they’re unreasonable or that you shouldn’t have that boundary with them. They can think whatever they want about your boundaries, but you and you alone get to decide where you draw the line and with whom.
Now what you SHOULD do is take time to think about what your boundaries are and where you set them. It’s important to think about what you need and what you won’t tolerate or put up with. This means being aware of your triggers, being aware of what does and doesn’t work for you in your relationships and understanding how to communicate those needs. Put some thought into them and how these issues and having those boundaries make you feel. Make sure your boundaries really align with your needs and your core values.
The last thing you want is to try to establish boundaries, then immediately change them because you realize you may have set them in the wrong place. At best this is going to confuse and frustrate people, especially people who genuinely like and respect you. At worst, it’s going to signal to people that your boundaries aren’t strong, that they’re malleable or that you probably won’t enforce them.
Speaking of which, let’s talk about enforcing your boundaries. One of the worst things that you can do is have a boundary and then not enforce it. What this does is tell people that you’ll put up a token resistance before giving in. As far as they’re concerned, this means that they don’t have to take you seriously when you DO try to enforce a boundary, or that they can just push and push at you until you give in.
That’s why one of the most important things you can learn when it comes to boundaries is that “no” is a complete sentence. When you’re defending your decision to push back against something — whether it’s demands from family or friends or someone treating you disrespectfully — there can be a temptation to explain WHY.
A lot of folks, especially ones who are people-pleasers or really fear rejection will often want to give reasons for their refusal. But here’s the thing: the only reason you need is that you don’t want to, that you don’t like it and you won’t put up with it. If someone is demanding that you take on responsibilities that aren’t yours, you don’t need to give an excuse why you can’t, just tell them that you won’t. You don’t need to explain why X is important to you or that you won’t tolerate Y. As far as they’re concerned, the important part is the boundary, not the reason.
When you start to give reasons — especially reasons why you “can’t” — then what you’re telling people is that you feel that you need to bolster your decision with evidence. This means that you’re tacitly saying that you could be wrong or open to changing your mind. It gives an opening for people to argue against your boundaries and put you in the position of potentially having to accept that they’re right and now your stated reason for having that boundary is gone.
People — especially manipulators and abusers — will pounce on that and use it against you.
You don’t need to say why you CAN’T; you just need to tell them you WON’T.
When you start to give reasons or excuses, then you’re no longer enforcing a boundary; you’ve opened up negotiations. You’re now giving them an opportunity to argue and logic you into agreeing with them, even though you don’t want to. And pivoting back to “well, I just don’t want to” AFTER you’ve started giving excuses that they’ve demolished, means that you’re now coming to this from a weaker position; you’ve all but admitted that you’re going to allow people to push you around.
To give an example, if we go back to the way that NXIVM compelled women to give collateral to their “masters”, any response other than “um, no” ends up tacitly acknowledging the way the other person set the frame. If you’re coming up with reasons or excuses why you can’t or won’t, then you’re working within the frame they set and saying that you believe them to have the authority to decide who is or isn’t honorable or trustworthy. That makes it much, much easier for them to pressure you into giving in. By refusing to even accept the frame in the first place — by saying “no, I don’t think so” or “no, I won’t” — you aren’t making yourself vulnerable to pressure. You are refusing to let them set the terms of your interaction in a way that lets them define you.
When someone is leveraging guilt against you, the same thing applies: refuse to accept the validity of their argument or framing. The fact that they did something doesn’t automatically obligate you to do something in return.
But it’s not just cult members who pull this sort of thing. Romantic partners, co-workers, even friends, family members, will do the same thing. People who want to trade on your weak boundaries will create any number of situations in order to pressure you into giving in. They will appeal to your sense of fairness by insisting that THEY did THIS thing for YOU so you OWE them… even if you didn’t ask for it or want it in the first place. Lots of folks with toxic or manipulative parents may recognize the “I did ALL THESE THINGS for you and you can’t do this ONE thing for me?” line of attack.
Other times, they’ll make you feel bad for refusing by telling you that you’re being unreasonable and asking you to be a ‘team player’ or tell you that you’re the only person who has a problem with it, so you should let it go. They’ll tell you that OTHER people were ok with this and so YOU should be. Or that REAL friends would do this. Or if you REALLY loved them…
Or they’ll threaten you about how your refusal will make them sad or upset or otherwise cause THEM some form of emotional pain and THAT is why you need to give in.
Still others will push you to make decisions at a moment when you’re not ready, or not in the right head-space to decide. This could be anything from a high-pressure sales pitch telling you that this offer is only good for this moment to someone demanding you make an important decision about your relationship right then and there.
Like, say, getting married.
This is why it’s important to get used to saying “no”; not “I can’t because”, but just “no”. You don’t need to rationalize it. You don’t need to excuse it. You just need to be willing to say no and stick to it.
You don’t necessarily need to be rude — at least at first. You can say
“No, thank you, but I don’t want that.”
“I appreciate the thought, but no.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
“I love you, but I won’t do that.”
If they’re pressuring you to make a decision, you can say “I’m sorry, I never making a decision like this without sleeping on it first.” or “This is such an important decision that I’m going to need to take time to think”.
In relationships, if someone is pressuring you to decide right then and there — especially something major, like, say, getting married — then tell them “I don’t appreciate being pushed into making a decision like this on the spur of the moment and if its that important, then you shouldn’t want me to rush into it.” Or “I don’t appreciate being given ultimatums. If you want me to make a decision I’d feel good about, then you won’t push me like this. But if you KEEP pushing, the answer is DEFINITELY no.”
The thing to keep in mind is that what’s important is your “no”, not the reason behind it. If they tell you that other people don’t mind whenever it is they do, the answer is “That’s good for them. I don’t appreciate it, now knock it off.”
If they tell you that real friends do X, you can tell them “Real friends respect my ‘no’.”
You’re not a team player? “Not when the team refuses to listen when I say ‘no’.” You’d do this if you loved them? “I love you, but I said no.”
Why are you being so stubborn? “Because I said no.”
You’re being unreasonable. “Maybe I am. The answer is still no.”
This is for your own good. “I don’t care. I said stop.”
I’m just trying to do THIS thing because I feel like it’s important. “Well, I told you it upsets me, and I asked you to stop.”
Now it’s important to know: enforcing your boundaries can and does come with consequences. This means you could very well lose friends, have partners break up with you or fall out with family members. You could even potentially lose your job. But part of having and enforcing boundaries means that you accept those consequences as part of having them. If you only have boundaries when things are EASY, then you don’t really have them.
But here’s the thing: the fact that there will be consequences doesn’t necessarily mean that the consequences are BAD. Friends or lovers ditch you because you refuse to let them run roughshod over you? GOOD. Those are people you don’t want in your life. Family doesn’t get to treat you like shit just because you share blood.
And there are ways of mitigating those risks. Diversifying your social circle and finding more and better friends, working on your social skills and taking a level in sexy bad-ass so you don’t stay in toxic relationships for fear of being single, looking for ways of diversifying your income or putting out feelers for different work… these all help make enforcing your boundaries less terrifying and easier to accomplish.
But having boundaries and communicating them clearly means that you’ll have stronger, healthier relationships. Letting people know what you want, what you need and what you DON’T want or won’t put up with makes for better, healthier and less stressful relationships. It makes you a stronger, more confident person — all things that make it easier to find relationships that are RIGHT for you.
And the most important thing to remember is that having strong boundaries keeps toxic, predatory and abusive people OUT of your life in the first place. They’re looking for people they can manipulate; if you don’t give them that chance, they’re going to move on.
Having and enforcing your boundaries can be scary. But by doing so, you’re taking responsibility for YOUR life… and refusing to let others make you take responsibility for THEIRS. The wrong people will leave… but having those strong boundaries will make sure that the people who ARE in your life are the right ones for you.