Thankfully we go to sleep straight after, because he needs to work in the morning. There’s a little spooning, but after a while he turns over, thank god. Meanwhile I stay awake the entire night thinking about the mess I’ve gotten myself into and how I’m pretty disgusted with myself, actually.
And let this be a lesson to you.
When the alarm clock finally goes off at 7, I’m wide awake and want to get up and out of that bed asap. He looks at me all lovey dovey and strokes my back as I sit up and I don’t know what to do and I feel mortified. I put my clothes on as quickly as possible and try to act normal while we have breakfast. He talks about cooking for each other sometime. And doing fun stuff together. France comes up? I try not to go into any of it, while he keeps looking at me in this way that makes me freak the fuck out inside.
To be perfectly honest, if you’re not into him, this is the time to cut things off. There’s no percentage in letting him get his hopes up and making future plans when you have no interest in seeing him ever again. All that can happen now is a future awkward conversation where you have to explain that no, you’re not available… ever.
This is also part of why you shouldn’t hook up with someone when you don’t have the ability to leave when you happen to feel the need. You’re now under his control to a certain extent. Ignoring the ability to escape a dangerous situation should it arise, you are also stuck if the affair becomes painfully awkward… as it clearly had. Now I’m not saying that you need your own car, but you should at least have emergency get-away money and the number of a taxi company entered into your cellphone’s speed-dial. This way, you can at least make your excuses and extract yourself at will rather than be stuck sleeping over when you’d really rather get home to a hot shower, Netflix and whatever comfort food it’s going to take to help you get over the lousy sex.
I try to acknowlegde to him that this situation is pretty weird for me and I don’t know how to act.
This is good. Honesty is good here.
A last ditch attempt for myself to make light of the situation. We had already discussed neither of us being expert one night standers, so it’s not a normal situation for either of us. Yet he doesn’t seem to notice awkwardness. Is it all in my head? Is being lovey dovey just his coping mechanism for the weirdness? Or is he just oblivious?
Odds are that equal parts his being oblivious and trying to be sweet. Guys as a whole should take steps to avoid being the “that was nice, now get out” guy.
It’s not that I want him to be a jerk. I appreciate him being nice. But, maybe just be a little bit of a jerk? Maybe at least acknowledge that we had sex, drunk, while only having really met eachother a few hours before? But it feels like he’s acting like we’re a couple already. With the touching and the looking and the kissing…
That may be exactly what’s going on in his head. He may be good looking, but he doesn’t sound like he’s terribly experienced when it comes to dating. He may well be one of the guys who conflate sex with infatuation and infatuation with a relationship. Some guys fall quickly, especially when – as far as he’s concerned – things went swimmingly.
After breakfast I put on my coat straight away. He takes forever to get ready.
If you knew where to find the bus-stop, there’s really no reason you couldn’t invent an excuse and leave without waiting for him….
When he comes over, puts his arms around me and moves in for a kiss, I involuntarily turn my head to make it just a kiss on the cheek. The 5 minute walk to the bus stop feels like it takes an hour. At the bus stop he mentions our plans for this Saturday (here’s where the time sensitivity comes in) – I had agreed to a second date on Saturday pre-sex. I say, “yes… I will email you about when and where, ok?” because I have no balls.
I tell him he should head on to work, if he wants to make it on time. He kisses me. Again. And again. I kiss back.Reluctantly.
Not that I don’t understand why you didn’t – you didn’t want a confrontation on top of an already awkward situation – but all you’re doing at this point is encouraging him and kicking the inevitable conversation down the road… which will only make it more awkward. You would’ve been better served by cutting things short earlier – getting a taxi and going home that evening – and just explaining that you’re in a weird place because of your ex and it was nice meeting him but…
But it is what it is, and now it’s time to deal with the fallout.
He leaves. I panic.
All of my intial attraction to him is gone. I feel sick right now and it’s not just the hangover. I cannot see him again on Saturday. I just can’t. And now for my question: what do I do? What do I say? I can’t say that I don’t want to see him again because the sex is so fucking terrible, right? That would be so harsh and mean, I can’t. But I feel like I do need a good excuse. Just saying that sober-me regrets the sex drunk-me consented to, feels like an opening for him to say “oh, then let’s just take it slow.” I don’t want to take it slow. I want it to be over with as little feelings getting hurt as possible. I thought about maybe blaming it on me not being over my ex? Because it’s technically true, I’m not over my ex, but it’s not the reason that I don’t want to see this guy anymore (well, maybe a little). Also, do I call him (so scary! again, I have no balls) or will an email suffice? No, I should probably call him, right? Please tell me what to do.
OK, here’s what you do:
You realize don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Lousy sex is a perfectly legitimate reason to decide not to see someone again. Just because you agreed to a second date before you realized just how awful the sex was doesn’t obligate you to actually going through with it. God knows men have been using promises they never intended to keep as an aphrodisiac for generations now. But you don’t want to be an asshole, and that’s admirable… to a point. Going through with another cringe-worthy date in order to avoid hurting his feelings is just stupid to the point of idiocy. And while I can appreciate that you don’t want to hurt his feelings, you have to accept that you’re gonna hurt him at least a little when you reject him. You’re just going to find the ovaries to actually tell him that no, you don’t want to see him again.
Now under normal circumstances, I’m a believer that once you’ve exchanged bodily fluids, the other person is owed a phone call. In your case, if you really feel that you’re going to chicken out if you actually have to talk to him over the phone, I’m giving you conditional permission to dump him over email. In this case – and in this case only – it may well be easier all around… especially if you’re afraid that he’s going to somehow manage to wheedle you into going out again because you can’t seem to muster up the courage to tell him no.
So you email him and tell him “Listen, it was nice meeting you and you’re a sweet guy, but I’ve recently had a really ugly break-up and I’m just not over it. I think the best thing for me right now is to just not date for a while. Sorry to spring this on you last minute, but I thought you had the right to know why I can’t see you on Saturday.” And then leave it at that. Some guys – and he sounds like he might be one of them – might see this not as being dumped but as the opening position for negotiation. You don’t owe him anything past that initial e-mail, and it may well be to your benefit to ignore any responses. It sucks and it’s a little cruel, but the quick break heals quickest… if he’s as good looking as you say, he shouldn’t have any problems finding another girl.
And then maybe I’ll be hearing from him in the future and I can set him straight too.
In any case: remember this the next time you decide you want to hook up with someone. I’m still in favor of getting over an ex by getting under someone else, but next time, you need to do it a little smarter.