• Archives
  • Submit A Dating Question
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Submit A Dating Question

The Subtle Things That Make Men More Attractive

May 2, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 519 Comments

We worry a lot about being attractive. After all, most of you’re reading this site for dating advice and there’s no question that being attractive gives people a leg up when it comes to dating. But what people seldom realize is that there’s a difference between “good looks” and “being attractive”.

To give a concrete example: Serge Gainsbourg was nobody’s idea of a male model, but he was attractive as all hell. For a man who looks like the love-child of Steve Buscemi and Droopy Dog, he got more famous ass than a drunk man with a stolen credit card at a celebrity donkey auction who then escaped by crashing through a plate-ass window.

"I am, how you say, ze Pepe Le Pew?"
Being French makes up for many, many sins.

Gainsbourg understood what it meant to be attractive. Good looks are purely physical attributes – in men, it’s a matter of facial symmetry, shoulder-to-waist ratio, height and outward signs of physical health. Attractiveness on the other hand, is about the mind, and how people respond to you. Being attractive is about charisma and the way you make people feel; in fact, a study from Webster University found that it was behavior that attracted people rather than just physical looks.

One of the most interesting things about being attractive is that it’s the little things that make up the difference – things that are easily overlooked, but powerful when utilized properly. Here are five subtle attributes you can use to make yourself much more attractive… instantly.

Want To Be More Attractive? Take Up Space

One of the quickest ways to make yourself more attractive is one of the simplest: take up more room.

I’m being serious. There’s a direct correlation between how attractive someone is perceived as being and what’s known as “space maximization”. Let’s look at this image for an idea of what that entails:

"Ya'll mind? I'm busy here."
“Ya’ll mind? I’m busy here.”

 

Yes, this is a posed photo, but it illustrates space maximization rather nicely. Notice how the man is sitting: his legs are spread apart. His arm’s draped over the back of the couch. He’s taking up space, claiming his territory. It’s a subtle way of communicating via body-language. He’s displaying confidence and assertiveness – even a little attitude – by being willing to spread out. He’s making himself more of a presence.

People who aren’t confident are afraid to take up space; they huddle in on themselves, as though they’re afraid to offend others with their presence. It also changes the message your body language is sending. When you take up space you are, by necessity, opening up your body. You become immediately more inviting and approachable when your open up your torso. Crossing your arms, slouching and curling in on yourself, on the other hand, makes you look unfriendly and unapproachable; you’re putting actual barriers between you and the people you want to talk to. Leave your torso open and your legs un-crossed and you’ll seem more attractive and friendly.

Just remember there’s a difference between “taking up space” and “sprawling”. Preventing other people from sitting down because you look like you’re airing out your balls is pretty much the antithesis of attractive.

Clothes Make The Man

I go on and on about clothes because frankly, this is such a simple thing that guys get wrong all the goddamn time. From Mystery’s peacocking to the faux tough-guys in Affliction1 to the guys I see rolling into the VIP section of clubs looking like they just came from Dunder-Mifflin, men seem to perpetually misunderstand the power that a very simple upgrade in wardrobe can bring you. Clothes are an outward extension of your identity. Clothes are the first thing people will notice about you, and that will color their first impressions of you. The right outfit – or the wrong one, for that matter – can utterly transform you. Hell, a woman mistook Richard Gere – a world famous Hollywood heart-throb – for a homeless man, going so far as to offer him food out of pity.

Coco Chanel famously said that when you dress shabbily, people notice your clothes. When you dress properly, people notice you. If you want to be more attractive, you need to dress more attractively.

Now don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean that you need to be rocking a suit, 24/7.

"...but it wouldn't hurt."
“…but it wouldn’t hurt.”

What it does mean is that you want to dress right. Fit is the most obvious place to start – you want clothes that flatter and support your body; trying to hide it behind oversized clothing just makes you look sloppy and unkempt. But just as important as fit is the style. If you want to stand out and be more attractive, you want clothes that look right, clothes that reflect who you are and make you stand out the right way. Let’s go back to Serge Gainsbourg.

"I am, how you say, ze Pepe Le Pew?"
“We must quit meeting like zees, ma petite. People will being to talk.”

Gainsbourg was a style icon. He had a very distinct look – the artful dishevelment, with the pushed up sleeves of his blazer and the rumpled-yet-high-quality shirt unbuttoned just so, the five-o’clock shadow, even the “just got fucked” hair – that radiated his personality. And yet despite looking like he rolled out of somebody else’s bed five minutes ago, it only takes a glance to let you know this is all all carefully cultivated. He puts thought and effort into how he looks, even if he’s just going about his day.

Part of the idea behind your style is that you want to choose a style that makes you feel attractive. A razor-sharp suit is great if you’re a Don Draper type, but if you’re not… well, it’s just going to look wrong on you because you won’t feel right. Find the clothes that you feel like you look like a million bucks in and it will start to affect your mentality and the way you carry yourself – and these will all measurably affect how people see you.

Your general rule of thumb should be to aim for just a little cooler than everyone else. And trust me: it’s not that hard. Go to the mall and have a look around: this is what you’re wanting to stand out from. Even if you’re just a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy, you can be a little more awesome than the people around you – little touches from shoes to the cut and quality of your jeans and shirt will help set you above the people around you.

Do Less

One thing that too many guys do that makes them less attractive is that they fidget. They squirm. They constantly shift their weight from foot to foot. Their eyes dart all over the place, they twitch like they’re about to vibrate through space and time, their hands flap about wildly when they talk, and and they speak so rapidly they sound like The Micro-Machines guy just discovered the joys of a triple espresso.

"MaybeI'vejustgotalotofnervousenergyhaveyoueverconsideredthathuhormaybeiI'mjustnaturallyexuberantokthetruthisI'vehadfourred-eyesandIcanseethroughtheuniverse..."
“MaybeI’vejustgotalotofnervousenergyhaveyoueverconsideredthathuhormaybeiI’mjustnaturallyexuberantokthetruthisI’vehadfourred-eyesandIcanseethroughtheuniverse…”

The problem with all of this is that it betrays a sense of nervousness and a lack of self-control. If you want to be more attractive, you want to learn how to do more with less. Cultivating a certain level of stillness and control is seen as being cool and composed. Being less fidgety and twitchy makes you look more collected and more at ease with yourself and with the people you’re talking to. As with taking up space, this helps make you look more confident, and confidence – as we all know – is sexy.

So to start with, get those nervous little gestures under control. To start with, learn to fidget less; don’t continually play with your hair, adjust your clothes or flutter your hands. It can take conscious effort at first – you have to be aware of the times you’re being fidgety and force your hands back to your side – but with time and practice, it becomes second nature. Sometimes it can help to adopt techniques that will  force you to slow your roll. If you have a tendency to shift your weight constantly, make a point of leaning on something – leaning up against a wall or the bar helps convey an air of nonchalance as well as keeping you from swaying from side to side. Stick your hands in your back pockets if necessary. If you do move, you want to move with precision. Don’t gesticulate or flop around. Have a specific purpose to each gesture that you make, even if it’s just to illustrate a point. Consider it as using an economy of motion.

Doing less includes when you speak as well. To start with, you want to speak slower and more deliberately. Avoid hemming and hawwing when you start off with a thought; if you don’t know what you’re going to say right off the bat, pause for two seconds to collect your thoughts. Not only does this make you seem more composed, but pausing before you speak can actually make you a more persuasive and compelling speaker. You want to speak at a moderate rate. You don’t want to speak like you’re running an auction, but at the same time you… don’t… want… to talk… like… the Swamp Thing.

Eliminating fillers from your speech like “umm”, “errr” and “well…” is also useful. The fewer fillers you use, the more intelligent and suave you seem. If you’re about to use one of those fillers, pause instead.

Use Your Eyes

Eye contact is an incredibly important part of attraction. We all know the feeling of somebody looking through us or looking past us when we try to talk to them – it’s incredibly alienating and makes us like that person less. Eye contact is powerful. In fact, it’s so powerful that studies have shown that two minutes of gazing into somebody’s eyes can inspire deep feelings of passion and romantic love in complete strangers. Of course, you can’t exactly just randomly challenge strangers to staring contests in hopes of getting lucky, but you do need to learn how to harness the power of eye contact.

...although I expect to get an "Eye-fuck your way into her pants" marketing email any day now.
…although I expect to get an “Eye-fuck your way into her pants” marketing email any day now.

Making strong eye contact is a critical part of forming a connection with somebody; if you can’t meet somebody’s eyes, you’re drastically limiting your ability to build trust and rapport with them. And when it comes to making yourself more attractive… well, you want to maximize the power of your gaze. To start with, making frequent eye contact prior to an approach is a classic way of building attraction – glancing at her, letting her see you looking at her, then breaking contact by looking to the side (NOT down; looking down to break eye contact is a submissive posture. Don’t do this.) is a strong start. Don’t look away quickly: that makes you look like you were trying to get away with something. Look then casually look away… then look back again.

Another approach that helps make people more attractive are using “bedroom eyes” – letting your pupils dilate and your gaze soften as you imagine all of the things you want to do together with her. It’s a very subtle way of building sexual chemistry and when done right can be incredibly powerful.

But above all else, when you make eye contact, you need to smile. Strong eye contact without a smile comes off as though you’re evaluating whether her flesh would make a fetching lampshade. Making eye contact, giving her a slow smile and opening up your body language on the other hand… well, there’s a reason why this is the one universal flirting technique used by both men and women.

I should note that you need to make actual eye contact. The trick of looking at their eyebrows or the bridge of their nose works from a distance, but gets obvious when you’re close up. If you have problems making eye contact with people, practice in the mirror. I’m being serious; look into your own eyes through the mirror. It’s going to be uncomfortable at first, but practice holding your own gaze for as long as possible.

Find Similarities

One of the subtlest ways of being more attractive to somebody is to reinforce how alike you are. No matter what people have told you, opposites only attract if you happen to be a pair of magnets. In fact, the more similarities two people share, the more likely they are to like one another. If two people share similar backgrounds and values, they’re going to feel more comfortable with one another and that comfort is going to increase their sense of compatibility.

Although past a certain point you end up going from "similarities" to "borderline twincest"
Although past a certain point you end up going from “very similar” to “borderline twincest”

 

In fact, one of the most common sales techniques people learn is to  fake commonalities in order to make a sale – that car dealer will let “slip” that they’re big fans of Social Distortion too or that they grew up in the same town you did. You end up feeling a greater rapport with them, so you end up more likely to buy what they’re pitching. And if you know what you’re doing, you can use this to your advantage.

One of the quickest ways to increase a sense of similarity is to mirror their body language back to them. Matching another person’s body language and  synchronizing with them – known as mirroring and leading – is a well-known technique for getting people to like you. Just don’t be obvious about it – otherwise they’ll think you’re mocking them.

But beyond just mirroring their body language, you want to verbally reinforce your commonalities. This is why you want to be looking for chances to show your agreement or say “oh, hey, me too!” – it’s a sign to them that you’re really in tune with one another, that you really get each other. It cements a common bond between the two of you and the more you have… well, the more attractive you’re going to be.

Just make sure you’re actually telling the truth when you’re reinforcing those similarities. Women aren’t stupid, and they’re going to smell a faker like a fart in church.

 

Related Posts

  • How To Talk To Women (And Get Them To Like You)How To Talk To Women (And Get Them To Like You)
  • Episode #90 – How To Be More Attractive… InstantlyEpisode #90 – How To Be More Attractive… Instantly
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Are Women So Afraid Of Me?Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Are Women So Afraid Of Me?
  • How Do I Date When I’m This Ugly?How Do I Date When I’m This Ugly?
  • #117 – How To Be Instantly Magnetic To Women#117 – How To Be Instantly Magnetic To Women
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Made A Mistake. Is It Too Late To Fix It?Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Made A Mistake. Is It Too Late To Fix It?
  1. Seriously, how is this still a thing? [↩]

Share143
Tweet
Pin4
147 Shares

Enjoy my work? Want to help support the site? Consider becoming a patron!



If you want dating advice you can take on the go, be sure to check out and if you enjoy them, please don't forget to give a review on Amazon and Goodreads.

And thanks, I can't do it without you.

Our Sponsors

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • FlamingFraming Sorry for replying here, I just saw something that I think might help you a bit. I am going through some bad family stuff and want to help someone if I can so I thought of you when I saw this

    How To Build Stronger Friendships ·  May 21, 2022

  • Slowburn I feel that very much. Some people are lucky and can get dates and connect in a romantic way, some people can't. I think it's the best option if you are in the second group to just give up. Saves a...

    How Do I Stop Wanting A Relationship? ·  May 21, 2022

  • Beth LW 2: why is it ANY concern of the LW what decisions his ex makes? There is nothing in the letter that I can see, other than the LW's unsupported personal opinion, that would give the LW any basis...

    How Do I Build a Social Life From Scratch? ·  May 21, 2022

  • Dan Brodribb My memory of the comment sections on the articles you mentioned was that they were excruciatingly hard on us as individuals and as a community. I also remember having some strong safety fears around...

    How To Build Stronger Friendships ·  May 20, 2022

  • fuzzilla Plus I think I’m so terrified of coming across too strong or eager that I over correct in the other direction and seem aloof, which is something I need to work on. I stand by my prior comment,...

    How To Build Stronger Friendships ·  May 20, 2022

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity meeting men Meeting Women mental health online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship drama relationship maintenance relationships self-confidence self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity youtube