So, last week, I asked you who you were. This week, I want to know what you want.
No, no. What do you really want? Take a few moments and let the question sink in. This won’t be on the final exam, but it will directly affect the rest of your life.
Presumably, if you’re reading this blog, you feel that you want to improve your facility with women.* Maybe you are already decent with girls and you want to improve. Or maybe you just feel some sort of lack in your life and you think that love, sex, what-have-you could fill it.
So again, I want to know: what do you want?
It’s a surprisingly complicated question, really, especially when love and sex are added into the mix. Because nerds are so submerged in popular culture, we subconsciously absorb all sorts of attitudes and beliefs about what we are supposed to want. We’re hit with conflicting messages about how we’re supposed to feel about sexuality, or monogamy, or lifestyles. We’re told over and over again that we should certain standards are the textbook definition of “beauty” and that this is the ideal that all men should be striving for.
We’re supposed to be players. We’re supposed to be devoted family men. We’re supposed to want harems. We’re supposed to find The One. We want blondes. Brunettes. Redheads. Voluptuous curves. Rail-thin sylphs. The girl next door. The exotic foreigner. The dangerous slut. The innocent virgin. There’s what our families tell us we’re supposed to want. There is what our social circles tell us we should want.
It can get very confusing very quickly. And if you’re not careful, you can convince yourself that what you want is what other people want. And maybe you’re not really sure what that is in the first place.
Getting better with women is a great goal, one that’s oddly frowned upon by general society. But as you start improving your life, you need to start asking yourself this question. Then, importantly, you need to answer it honestly. If you’re not honest with yourself – in your own head, where nobody can hear you – then you’re doing yourself a great disservice. You’re making progress, yes, but if it’s in the wrong direction, you’re just costing yourself time and effort.
Start, as I always suggest, with the basics. So, you want to get better with women. Why? What is your end goal? Do you find yourself envying the people out there who attract women so easily that it seems effortless? If so, what is it about them that seems so attractive to you? Is it because it feels like they have more options than you do, rather than feeling like there are so few women out there for you? Is it because you genuinely want to sleep as many women as possible, or is it because it’s a life so diametrically opposed to the one you have now that you want to dip your toe in it for a while?
Or maybe it’s the opposite; do you want to just find that one special someone and settle down? Or perhaps you’re a serial monogamist; you may not want to settle down, but you just like taking each relationship as it comes and enjoying it until it comes to it’s natural end then moving to the next one?
For that matter, what kind of woman is your type? When you’re jerking off, who pops up the most often in your head – even if it’s not necessarily what your conscious brain tells you you want? Men? Women? Both? Are you attracted to large breasts? Small ones? Are you more of a leg man? Or maybe you have a special interest in hair. Or feet. Do you like girls with lots of piercings and tattoos? Do you like big, beautiful women? Amazons? Petite girls? Spinners?
What about personality type? Shy and retiring? Outgoing and boisterous? The sort of girl who’s outwardly cold or even hostile but has a hidden sweet side (tsundere, to you anime fans out there)? The bar-hopping party girl?
Sexual adventurousness, ethnicity, cultural subtypes… same question. What do you want?
So, why do you want to think about this?
Well, to start with, if you want a particular type of girl, you have to go where those girls are and be part of the world that they would want to be part of. Cute hipster girls who hang out at the indie bookstores and open mike nights at the coffee bars aren’t necessarily going to want to date the corporate suit and tie types. The hard-partying social butterflies frequently have a large cluster of friends, boyfriends and wanna-be’s orbiting around her, and you’ll have to be willing to contend with that.
For another matter, you knowing what you want means you know why you want it. Do you honestly like the girl, or are you fetishizing what she represents? Are you attracted to that manic indie pixie girl because you’re attracted to her energy, or are you hoping to find someone who will pull you out of your life’s rut and shock you into a new path? Do you like Asian girls because you’re interested in them as people or because you like the idea of the exotic other?
Keep in mind: as long as laws aren’t being broken and everyone’s consenting, there aren’t any wrong answers. If you like heavy women, then embrace the fact that you like heavy women and have the self-confidence and security to admit it and own it. Trying to hide what you’re attracted to in order to meet societal approval is only going to make you miserable along with anyone you might want to date, and it isn’t fair to either of you.
Never be afraid to re-examine yourself as time goes by; what you want can and will change over time. The player may eventually settle down, the serial monogamist may opt for polyamory, the homebody may decide he wants a life of activity and the life of the party may want a quiet life. And this is all ok too. Foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
Something for you to think about as you go off into the weekend. Good luck out there.
*Or else you really enjoy my scintillating writing style, for which I thank you and recommend you share me with everyone you know, especially literary agents. But I digress.
