Last week we talked about part of how somebody can get the sex they want without relying on douchebaggery. This week, we’re going to continue that trend and talk about how guys can learn to become sexier. After all, we’re not just people, sometimes we’re also pieces of meat, and we would like to be treated accordingly.
One of the things that trips people up regularly is that we mistake being attractive for sex-appeal. The two often intertwine, but they aren’t the same thing. After all, there are people of all genders who’re attractive but have the sex appeal of a rock. A particularly selfish rock. At the same time, there are people who may have the face of a bulldog chewing on a thistle, but they radiate sex appeal. This isn’t a matter of feel-good woo woo bullshit; there’ve been a number of studies that have documented how certain aspects and personality traits outweigh physical looks when it comes to influencing who women want to have sex with.
Sexiness is about what makes somebody decide they want to sleep with you or not. Being good looking can help, it’s not the only issue. We’ve all encountered someone with a body to make a saint kick out a stained glass window, but five seconds of conversation killed any interest in sex. They might be dumb as a post. It may be that they got off to the idea of crush videos. It may be that they were a Hanzo main. Regardless: they were attractive… but not sexy.
The key is to remember that being sexy is about the holistic person, not any one factor. The traits that make people sexier tend to stack; like the best buffs, individual traits combine to create a sexy, mouthwatering whole.
And the good news is: these are all things that you can learn and develop. If you know what traits to pay attention to and cultivate?
Well, that means you can make yourself into that sexy love machine you’ve always wanted to be. Ready to get started?
Your Presentation Matters
Let’s get this one out of the way, right off the bat: you need to pay attention to the way you look.
I know. I can hear you now. “You literally just said that being sexier isn’t about your looks.” And yes, I did. But there is a difference between your looks – that is, your physical features – and the way you look. Your presentation. That’s significantly different.
The way you present yourself to the world matters. It’s a shorthand to who you are as a person. You see, you can have cheekbones that can cut cheese, a jawline to make Bruce Campbell and Robert Z’dar weep with envy… but if your presentation is off? People are going to notice. They’re going to be turned off. It tells the world how little you give a shit about what other people think. That may seem cool in concept – you’re a bad-ass rebel who doesn’t play by the rules! – but in practice it displays low emotional and social intelligence and that is a turn-off.
Making some minor changes to your presentation, however, makes you worlds sexier.
One part of your presentation – and one that I always see nerds struggling with – is in clothing. Style and fit make an astounding difference when it comes to being sexier. Wearing clothes that are too big or too tight diminishes your sex appeal by orders of magnitude. Even if your body isn’t Adonis perfect, wearing oversized jeans and tees just makes you look like you’re trying to hide… and trust me: that doesn’t work. It just makes you look sloppy and unkempt. You don’t need to be Beau Brummell by any stretch, but having a sense of style is important.
Even just a little effort here will make you sexier; 99% of the male population dresses like they were assaulted by a pile of dirty laundry. It’s the only logical explanation for how those acid-wash jeans and over-sized hockey jersey managed to get paired with Birkenstocks and socks.
However, no clothing is going to help if the the rest of you has gone hellbent for leather. You absolutely want your grooming to be on point. The best looking guy in the world is going to lose sexiness points if he looks like he’s spent five years stuck on a deserted island in the South China Sea.
This means taking care of your skin, your hair and your clothes. Zit and/or grime-riddled skin does not inspire someone to think about wanting it near their face or mouth. Greasy, tangled or messy hair means that people won’t want to run their fingers through it. Stained and ragged clothes don’t get torn off and thrown to the floor in paroxysms of lust. A beard may be a glorious testimony to your hirsuteness, but if it’s ragged, patchy, scratchy, smelly or dandruff-filled? Then that special someone won’t want it anywhere near the vicinity of their thighs. There’s a reason why “sexy hobo” isn’t a thing outside of very specific Pornhub searches.
If you’re planning on leaving the house, take the time to work on your grooming. Style your hair, make sure your clothes are clean and and wrinkle-free. Remember that sexiness doesn’t happen by accident. John Barrowman and Michael B. Jordan don’t look like that just by rolling out of bed. They’ve put time and effort into it. If you want to be sexier? Then you need to do the same.
Remember: your presentation tells the world who you are and what you’re about. If you’re telling the world that you couldn’t be bothered to put any thought into your clothes, hair or skin? Then no matter how amazing you may be as a person, they’re not going to want to talk dirty to you.
But while we’re on the subject:
Fix How You Smell
Here is one of the most important things you will ever hear from me: how you smell is directly connected to how sexy people think you are. Smell is possibly the most powerful sense when it comes to emotion and desire. How you smell directly affects how people think of you, even on an unconscious level. It doesn’t matter how amazing your face or body is: if you stink, people will notice. And they will judge. And in judging, they will decide that if it came down to fucking you or letting a meteor wipe out Los Angeles… well, maybe Vancouver could pick up the slack when Hollywood’s gone.
It continues to boggle my mind how many people pay next to no attention to how they smell. Trips to the mall, to Whole Foods, even to the bookstore reveal that there are some people who seem to think that radiating waves of stench like Pig Pen is going to repel people like nobody’s business. It does not matter how good you look. If going to bed with you means that someone is going to be dousing themselves with eau du pitsweat, they are going to disappear like a Shiny Magikarp.
The sexual benefits of smelling good have been documented literally for centuries. In 1002, the Abbot of St. Alban complained that the Vikings were busily fucking their way through the local women, attracting even married noblewomen to be their mistresses. Why? Because unlike the local gentry, the Danes combed their hair, changed their clothes regularly and bathed every week.
However, fixing your stank-ass isn’t about replacing one smell with another. One of the mistakes people make is that they assume that overwhelming their own natural “musk” with other scents makes things better. As a result, you get dudes who douse themselves in cheap body spray and cologne, creating a chemical attack that would be condemned by Kaiser Wilhelm.
You want to control how you smell, rather than focusing on replacing it. Basic hygiene and grooming are critical; the number of people who seem to think that showers are optional is astounding. Even if you’re going to skip deodorant, remember that the places where sweat pools also collects bacteria that’s going to make you smell gawdawful… particularly around your crotch. If you’re going to want someone spending some facetime near your junk, you don’t want unzipping your pants to be the equivalent of opening the gates of Mordor. If you’re going to be dealing with swamp-ass, consider some talcum powder to keep things dry.
Once you have your stink under control, then consider supplementing your own scent. When it comes to smell, subtlety works best. Nobody should be able to smell you coming without actually being Daredevil. The only time somebody should be able to know what you smell like should be if they’re close enough to kiss or slow-dance with you.
Develop Your Intellectual Curiosity
Another surprisingly quick way of being sexier? Have an open and curious mind. Despite the long-running myth about women preferring jocks, Chads, meatheads, etc., women like a guy who’s got some brains and isn’t afraid to use them.
But as with many things in life, it’s in how you use them. Being smart is good, but intellectual curiosity is better. The difference is that there are a lot of people who are smart… but who are closed minded or closed off. For some, as soon as they have the identity of being The Smart One, they stop learning. Being Smart (as opposed to being smart) becomes a reason to stop growing or exploring, except in ways that support the idea of I Am Very Smart. They’re also far more likely to use their intelligence (perceived or otherwise) as a club; they are SMART therefore they are right therefore SHUT UP. If they are wrong, remember: they are SMART. That identity often leads to a lot of belittling comments, condescension and looking down one’s nose at people… not terribly sexy.
(This also tends to correspond with YouTube channels involving multi-hour rants full of verbal flack and little actual content of substance.)
Cultivating your intellectual curiosity, on the other hand, means that you are engaging in the world around you. It means that you understand that there’s more to learn, more to understand. It means you’re less likely to be stuck in your ways and insisting that things have to be exactly as you think they are – or should be. People who develop their curiosity tend to have diverse interests and want to try and experience new things. They’re open to the world around them and discovering new adventures. Not surprisingly, they also tend to be more interesting than other people.
Worth noting: developing your intellectual curiosity also helps you develop your emotional intelligence… another very sexy trait. Many men tend to be disconnected from their emotions as part of the toxic masculinity package. A guy who isn’t bound up by the idea that men only feel rage or stoic emotionlessness? That’s a guy who women are going to find far more appealing.
But while you’re working on your brains, you want to work on your body too. Specifically…
Know How To Move
Remember what I said about sexiness being about what makes someone decides to sleep with you? That comes into play here. When it comes to sex, especially casual sex, there are two consistent factors that decide whether a woman is interested in banging a dude: a sense of safety and a sense of whether the sex would be worth it.
Of course, one of the eternal questions is: how does one tell who’s worth fucking? It’s not as though the dude holding up a sign talking about being able to lick his eyebrows is a reliable source of info, and the “wannaseemydick?” bros on PMing her on Instagram aren’t any better. Women are going to want evidence that somebody knows what to do with what he’s got.
And one of those clues is going to be in how you move.
I’m talking about rhythm, grace, smoothness. Signs that you know how to move your body in ways that are going to benefit her.
And one of the easiest ways to develop that ease of motion? Dance.
Learning how to dance will be one of the best and easiest ways to be sexier. And not just pulling shapes at the club but partnered dancing. See, as much as being able to rock the floor at the club can be appealing to the right woman, partnered dancing is a different beast.
To start with, it requires a sense of rhythm and the ability to keep and maintain the beat – something that’s going to be important later on ifyouknowhwhatImean. Keeping the steady rhythm is going to be important; after all, there’re few things that will drive a woman crazier (in a bad way) than the guy who changes the rhythm just as she’s starting to get there. But just as importantly, partnered dancing requires clear communication and confidence. Without a willingness to direct and lead, that will allow both partners to stay in synch. A dude with a weak frame makes it impossible to follow. A guy who is hesitant in the lead can’t maintain communication with his partner; is he going for a turn, a dip or a cross-body promenade? Now you’re colliding into one another and leaving everyone confused, frustrated and bruised, with no idea who’s doing what, where.
This is why learning some partnered dancing can be one of the best moves you make to improve your personal sex appeal, even if the new Drake single isn’t going to get you on the floor. The physical lessons that come with dancing pay dividends outside of giving you more options for arousing dates. So start looking into your local Arthur Murray.
If you’re not sure what dance you want to learn, I suggest starting with swing; it’s easy to pick up, looks impressive and is more widely applicable to more types of music. That being said: if you want to really work on being sexier, look into Latin dancing, especially salsa and merengue. Not only are these hot on their own, but they also emphasize moving your hips. And trust me: knowing how to move your hips is going to get you the right kind of attention.
But remember what I said about dance requiring confidence and direction? Well, that’s important because…
The Right Confidence Makes You Sexier
I know I talk a lot about confidence on here. Confidence is an important part of attraction; as with your presentation, how you carry yourself tells the world a lot about you and what to think about you.
But when it comes to sex appeal, you need more than just self-assurance. You need the right kind of confidence. You need the confidence to actually own your interest. See, one of the things that kills sexual attraction is wishy-washiness. There are few things less sexy or alluring than a dude who can’t own the fact that he’s into somebody and wants to fuck. The guy who can’t put it out there is, frankly, not gonna be the guy who puts it anywhere.
The problem, ultimately, comes down to not just a fear of rejection, but being unwilling to put oneself in a position to get rejected in the first place.
Rather than taking ownership of their desire and staking out a definite position, dudes try to play it both ways. It’s the dating equivalent of quantum super-positioning; you’re both into her and not into her at the same time. Actually making a move would cause the waveform to collapse and result in your getting rejected. By surfing the ambiguity, you are able to both make a move and do absolutely nothing and thus remain in a state of… well, frustration, mostly. This is why many guys will never actually make an approach or advance except in a way that would let them pretend they didn’t actually do so in the first place.
As a result: you get the ever popular “Maybe I could kiss you HAHAHA JUST JOKING MAN YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE…” or the “Maybe we could go get coffee? A DATE WHY WOULD YOU THINK THIS IS A DATE??” Other ambiguous moves are the “hand-brush”, the “tentative arm touch” and the “linger near her face because maybe she’ll kiss you instead.”
Don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean that you have to be as smooth as a glass of Pappy Van Winkle. It’s possible to be bashful, shy or even a touch awkward when trying to make a move. There are women who love shy dudes. Adorkable is a thing. There are women who think a guy doing his best impression of a nervous pangolin is the cutest thing in the world.
But you need to make a move. Not having the confidence to make that move is going to be disqualifying enough. Trying to play the ambiguity card is insulting.
The problem with all of this is that it’s an abdication of responsibility. It puts the onus on her to initiate, but without her expecting or possibly even wanting to. Some women do like to make the first move… but they also like to be the ones to decide to do so. By refusing to take ownership and pushing things onto her, you are now demanding that she not only take that role but also manage your emotions at the same time. This is, needless to say, the Anti-Sex Equation. It’s an indicator that not only is the sex going to be bad – because a guy who can’t so much as ask can’t fuck worth a damn either – but the entire relationship is going involve one person taking the role of determiner-of-all-things.
There are often any number of excuses for this. Some guys will talk about wanting to not be a creep. Others will bring up questions of respect or wanting to be sure. But at the end of the day, wanting sex isn’t bad, or an imposition. It’s in how that interest or desire is communicated and – critically – how you respond if you’re turned down. But if you want to get laid, you have to put yourself out there. You have to stake out your position.
The thing to remember is that women like a guy who’s clear. Playing games frustrates everyone and leaves everybody confused, upset and otherwise ready to check out because fuck that noise. Having the confidence to know what you want, to be willing to say what you mean and to take your chance?
That’s somebody who knows what he’s worth. There’s a desirable intensity there. He’s somebody who’s going to be worth going home with because he’s someone who knows what he wants and what he can do.
And that guy? Is gonna be sexy as hell.