Modern dating has a number of benefits. Changing social mores mean that sex and dating are less complicated and more accessible than at any point in history. The advent of the Internet and the subsequent development of smartphones mean that finding people you’re interested in is easier than ever. Even simply wanting to get laid has become easier with apps like Tinder making finding someone who’s explicitly down to fuck a literal push-button exercise.
But while accessibility and availability may be easier… the process of actually getting sex can feel more complicated than ever. If you’re an even half-way decent guy, it can feel like wanting sex or trying to get it makes you awful by definition. After all, most of the modern examples of men trying to get laid tend to revolve around toxic environments and behaviors. Pop culture is rife with characters – including protagonists – who will cheerfully resort to any amount of shitty behavior in order to get laid. Even in real life, we only have to look to pick-up artists and their misogynistically frustrated evolved form, the Red Pill,1 selling social pressure and psychological trickery as the means to the end.
At the same time, we can go on Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook and see women sharing stories about men who used unpleasant or even threatening actions in an attempt to get into their pants.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex, with wanting a casual relationship without commitment or wanting to have multiple partners. The key to getting more sex isn’t about secret techniques or trying to convince, trick or compel women into sleeping with you. Sex isn’t an antagonistic exercise of trying to bargain down the “price”, it’s in understanding how to connect with people. If you want to learn about getting laid without losing your soul in the process, you have to understand the mindset of a true seducer.
If you want to make finding sex easier, start by focusing on getting to know people. Not just the people you want to fuck, but people in general. Study them, study the culture and what makes them tick. Understanding others will help your sex life skyrocket.
See, the first step to getting laid like a bandit has nothing to do with sex appeal and everything to do with social intelligence. The greatest seducers in the world aren’t all chiseled dreamboats of manflesh; in fact, some of them were pretty ugly.
Their gift wasn’t their looks, it was their brains. The best seducers were people who understood other people. They understood how people think, what signals they send and what signals to send back. As a result: while some people struggle with getting laid, they’re the ones getting more strange ass than a dude with a stolen credit card at a mutant donkey auction. It’s a skill that comes with time and study and practice, but one that pays incredible dividends for your effort.
One of the first – and most important – parts of understanding people is that a master seducer knows who to look for. Part of why men who get laid the way others order lunch seem to do so effortlessly is that they are strategic. Rather than shotgunning their attention at every attractive woman in sight, they look for people who are looking for them. After all: there will always be people who don’t like you, no matter how much you may like them, and there’s no changing that. All you end up doing is wasting time and energy that could be put to better use elsewhere. As a result, master seducers aren’t beating their heads against the wall; they’re avoiding the wall entirely.
Just as importantly, however, is that understanding people helps you understand what you need to create the situation you want. Women aren’t a monolith after all; what intrigues one woman will repel another. Some women appreciate a more banter-y approach to flirting, while others hate it. There are women who like a direct, no bullshit approach and there are women who prefer to be romanced. Understanding how to recognize what people respond best to lets you change how you proceed. Reading people helps you avoid attraction-killing landmines and helps you pull a great conversation out of a nosedive.
A skilled seducer learns how to tell what mistakes are fatal and what can be recovered from. If someone is annoyed at your approach, is it because of you or circumstances that have nothing to do with you? Are you able to verbally steer into the skid and win them over, or is it better to bail? Can you recover from a joke that bombed, while still being charming? If so, then you’re able to pull victory from the jaws of otherwise certain defeat.
Being able to read people also helps you decide who you invest your time with in the first place. After all, if you prefer a partner who will engage you in wordplay à la Nick and Nora, then somebody who despises that sort of verbal duel is a poor match for you. A kinkster isn’t going to be happy with someone who prefers the soft-jazz-flowers-and-candles style of lovemaking. Knowing how to read clues – or what questions to ask – can help you spend your time more efficiently.
However, the most critical part of that understanding may well be knowing that…
Getting Laid Is About How You Make Her Feel
Part of what trips guys up when it comes to sex is that they focus too much on… well, the sex. Much of the focus on getting laid is put on the arousal process. This is why so many products, from books to shitty body spray, focuses on the idea that “YOU WILL MAKE WOMEN SO HORNY THEY WILL RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF WITH THEIR TEETH”.
This is a lovely mental image and one upon which many bad sex-comedies have relied. However, focusing on arousal misses a critical question:
Why would she want to sleep with you?
Being horny doesn’t short-circuit one’s brain. The fact that someone’s dying to get off doesn’t mean that they’re going to pounce on the nearest warm body like a starving lioness in the veldt. Most of the time, it’s less troublesome to head home and rub one out than it is to gamble on whether Johnny Random is going to be able to get things done. After all, while most guys are guaranteed to get off during sex, women aren’t. The showerhead may not be much for cuddling afterwards, but at least she knows it’s going to do the trick.
People who understand seduction understand this. This is why they know that seduction is about how you make somebody feel, emotionally. Do you make them feel special? Do you make them feel like the only person in the world, like you get them in a way that nobody else does? Are you able to connect with them on a level that makes them feel validated and understood? Can you make them feel good?
This is why being fun is so attractive, why humor is such an aphrodisiac. Part of why women go crazy for musicians is because of how music influences us. The way a Led Zeppelin riff can make our hearts beat in time with the bass or how the right Bon Jovi song can make an entire generation air guitar all at once is a reminder of the power that music has over the way we feel… and that transfers to the people who make that music.
The fact that your presence makes people feel good means that they’re going to want to spend more time with you. Can you make someone feel excited? Can you make their pulse race in a way that they enjoy? Even if it’s that you’re taking them on exciting dates, if the activity is what’s making them sweat and their heart pound, they will still associate that arousal with you.
But it’s not just about making her feel excited. Getting laid is also about making her feel comfortable and safe.
Do You Respect Her Boundaries?
Here’s a bit of controversial advice: respecting someone’s boundaries is one of the surest ways to get her to let you past them.
Stick with me for a second, it’ll all make sense.
It’s long been taken as gospel that women don’t like casual sex. Whether it’s framed as women “need” love to feel sexual, trade sex for love, or just don’t like sex, period, people have long rushed to dismiss the idea that women like sex for sex’s sake as much as men do. Except… they do. The problem isn’t that women don’t like sex, it’s that sex for women comes with dangers that don’t exist for men. The potential rewards from a casual hook-up – pleasurable sex – doesn’t outweigh the risks. It’s not just a matter of physical violence either. The reason why many women choose not to have casual sex is, as Dr. Terri Conley puts it: guys tend fuck badly, then turn around and call their partners sluts afterwards.
(Remember that last part; we’re coming back to it).
On the other hand, when women feel safe – physically and emotionally – they’re much more likely to be interested in some no-strings fooling around.
Noted sexologist Dr. Emily Nagowski’s “dual control model of arousal” backs this up. Reducing the reasons not to have sex increases the likelihood of arousal. This is why men who understand seduction understand that respecting a “no” can lead to a “yes” later on.
And that means actually respecting that no. Many people treat a “no” as something negotiable, something that needs to be overcome or worked around. The PUA community, for example, would refer to ways of getting around what they euphemistically called “last-minute resistance”. One common method was the “freeze-out”, suddenly being cold and distant as a means of communicating your disapproval. It was seen as a means of technically respecting a no while changing her mind. In reality, it leverages social pressure, pushing her into doing something she didn’t want to.
On the other hand, someone who respects a “no” and waits for an unambiguous “yes” is someone who demonstrates that they prioritize their partner’s safety and comfort. After all, sleeping with someone is an act of deliberate vulnerability. Knowing that you can open yourself up to somebody with the assurance of your safety? Knowing that if you feel uncomfortable or change your mind, you can call things to a halt? That can feel liberating… and that, in turn, feels incredibly sexy.
Respecting somebody’s boundaries isn’t just about avoiding them though; it’s about learning where they are in advance. Asking for consent isn’t the sexual buzzkill that many people think. In fact, when done right, it can heighten the sexual tension. A whispered “Do you like this? Would you like me to do more?” can be unbelievably exciting.
Similarly, asking “what would you like me to do?” can be powerful. By inviting her to direct your actions, you ask her to collude with her own seduction. Feeling like she’s working with you flips the all-too-common script. It feels less like “overcoming” someone’s reluctance and more like two people working together to unleash mutual passion and desire.
However, there’s more to it than just not losing your shit when someone is cool with making out but not taking things further…
Do You Respect Her?
One of the biggest reasons why women choose not to sleep with someone has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with attitude. Almost every sexually active woman has a story of the Crouching Charmer, Hidden Asshole. He’s the guy who seems pleasant enough at first but lets his asshat flag fly at the first available opportunity. Sometimes the guy has managed to maintain the charm up until the moment of getting off; as soon as the afterglow starts to fade, he’s quick to call her a slut and a whore for… doing exactly what he hoped for.
Other times, they don’t make it so far as being able to say “hello” before the toxicity of their attitude comes through. One of the things that stands out about the Incel community, for example, is their willingness to call women whores and then wonder why nobody wants to sleep with them in the same post.
Misogyny and slut-shaming in general are red flags to women, especially if they’re looking to hook up. Besides the potential social damage that men like that represent, they also represent a physical danger. After all: guys who see women as walking Fleshlights are more likely to ignore boundaries, push women for sex they don’t want and pull moves like stealthing.
At the same time, however, the key isn’t to just mouth feel-good, feminist-sounding aphorisms. Women aren’t stupid, and people aren’t that good at acting. Your true attitude is going to come out in virtually everything you do, from your body language to the way you react the first time someone tells you “no”. Trying to fake an open-minded, positive attitude will get found out fairly quickly, because many, many guys have tried it before you.
And that, in turn, will lead to getting shut down faster than a Pornhub tab when your boss is walking up behind you.
The greatest seducers are people who have actual respect for their partners, who see sex as a collaboration instead of an antagonistic exercise. A genuine interest in your partner’s desires, in their comfort and boundaries, is going to only increase their interest in you. Treating someone else’s sexuality with an open mind and positive attitude will open up avenues of exploration. Feeling that your own needs and interests are important to your partner leads to better sex. After all, people would rather sleep with someone who is interested in mutual pleasure, not just doing what it takes to get off.
Even if your partner is just for tonight.
Remember, when in doubt, ask yourself: What Would Jack Harkness Do?
Seduction Is A Dance, Not A Race
The single biggest mistake men make – and one that master seducers don’t – is that they are impatient. They treat sex as a goal to achieve, instead of a natural extension of building a connection with someone.
Remember what I said earlier about focusing on sex – arousal and attraction – being a mistake? That attitude sabotages any chances they have of getting laid. They play the short game, looking to get laid as quickly as possible. Sex is the alpha and omega, the only reason to be involved.
Seduction, however, is a holistic experience. Sex is a byproduct that comes naturally out of the entire process. Think of seduction as a dance between partners. It has a rhythm and a pace that dictates its flow. When both partners are working together in harmony, it’s a graceful, even joyous, experience. It becomes an expression of the harmonious connection between people.
When the two people aren’t in synch… it’s jarring. It’s an uncomfortable experience that leaves everyone wondering what the hell you think you’re doing.
Some seductions proceed quickly, moving with the precision of a Swiss watch. Some seductions may take time, requiring foresight, restraint and patience. The willingness to wait can make all the difference.
In looking for immediate gratification, the average man cuts themselves off from future opportunities. Someone who isn’t interested tonight may be the same person who’s going to tear your clothes off tomorrow. That is, of course, if you treat them right. Being able to recognize the difference between “not interested” and “not just yet” is important. After all, you may be going home alone tonight but that doesn’t mean that you failed. The key to getting laid often means laying the foundation first.
Just as importantly, though, treating it as a dance builds tension. Desire restrained is desire magnified; letting things build creates a more powerful and pleasurable release at the end. Rushing, on the other hand, betrays a lack of skill and impatience that hints at a lack of skill in other areas.
Every interaction, every seduction will be different, just as every woman is different. Some will be fast. Some will be almost agonizingly slow. Trying to hurry to the end means missing out on the joy if the journey, the growing connection between the two of you. Taking each as they come, giving each connection the respect and attention it deserves, will make the burgeoning relationship incredible.
And in the process… you’ll find the sex you want. Without having to sacrifice your dignity, goodness or soul in the process.
- Worst. Pokemon. Ever. [↩]