How To Get Laid (Without Being A Fuckboy)

If you’ve spent, oh, any time online, you’ll have come across the term “Fuckboy”, especially when it comes to dating. In one of the more fascinating (if you like semiotics and lexicography) examples of linguistic migration, fuckboy was first popularized by Cam’ron in the song “Boy, Boy” and spread out from there to other artists’ work. And then it hit social media and basically fucking exploded all over the place. In general, a fuckboy is someone who’s lame, a scrub. When it comes to dating… well, it’s these guys.

Fuckboys are the bane of online dating. Fuckboys are warnings to others: this is the behavior that ensures you will never have sex, even with yourself. The thing isn’t that they’re trying to get laid, or that they’re angling for some no-strings-attached sexy times. There’s nothing wrong with that. The problem is the way they go about it. They’re the douchebags who make women shut down their accounts and reconsider the possibility of celibacy. They’re one of the reasons why it’s trickier for guys to get laid than it has to be, because they’re the ones who’re causing vaginas to dry up and panties to lock firmly into place.

If you’re looking for a Tinder hook up, a friends-with-benefits situation, a strings-free fling when you’re out of town or a same-night lay, then you need to understand what makes a fuckboy and how to avoid being one.

The Trouble With Being A Fuckboy Or: WWJ(H)D?

One of the things that people often get wrong about fuckboys is just why they’re so unappealing. It’s not that they’re looking for sex. It’s not even that they’re obviously looking for sex.

It’s that they’re so legitimately bad about trying to get it. They’re rude, invasive, obnoxious, ignore boundaries and occasionally border on rape-y.

See, this ties back into the age-old (bullshit) idea that women aren’t as sexual as men are, that they don’t like casual sex and that their lack of interest makes them the sexual gatekeepers. Except – as I’ve covered before – the problem isn’t that women don’t like casual sex… it’s that they don’t like bad sex. Because women face disproportionate levels of risk when it comes to sex – from pregnancy, to disease, to slut-shaming and to basic physical safety – they’re far, far less likely to hop in the sack with someone if it doesn’t seem like the sex will be worth the risk. The fuckboy approach to getting laid is a giant flashing billboard that says “This is not a man who knows what to do with a clitoris.” The entitled behavior, ignoring of boundaries, the inappropriate comments are all solid indicators that the fuckboy either lacks emotional intelligence or simply doesn’t give a shit about acting like a grown-ass adult. That, in turn, is a strong sign that if a woman were to sleep with him, it would be another 3 minutes of her life that she’d never get back. That would be three minutes she could’ve spent playing Angry Birds instead.

If you want to get laid – a noble goal! – then acting like a fuckboy is a great way to make sure it never happens. Fuckboy behavior is the Anti-Sex Equation. If you want to be someone that women might actually spend naked time with, then you have to send the right signals and ask yourself: WWJHD?

So how do you do that?

Slow Your Roll

Let’s start with the obvious. If the first words out of your mouth upon meeting someone – in person or online – is any variation of “By Jove, I would dearly like to stick my todger in you,” then you’re acting like a fuckboy. Right off the bat, you’ve shoved yourself into the same category of desirability as sweaty gym socks and that white stuff that forms at the corner of your mouth when you’re really thirsty.

This is basic “How To Human 101” and you wouldn’t think that I need to explain this, but the sheer volume of examples seems to suggest otherwise.

Remember what I said about “signs this person is bad at sex”? The fact that your first impulse upon meeting someone is to roll up waving your metaphorical (or occasionally literal… more on that in a second) cock around is a pretty good indicator that a) you’ve never actually had sex before and b) that you’re looking for a Fleshlight, not a human. Nobody is going to appreciate someone whose attempt at a first impression casually broadcasts that they’re not interested in you as a person. It doesn’t matter that she’s on Tinder and “everyone knows” Tinder’s for same-day-fucking. It doesn’t matter whether or not she has indicated that she might be into casual sex on her profile. It doesn’t matter if she holds up signs in her profile pictures that says “I Fuck On The First Date”. Sex workers and escorts – people whose job involves having sex with people – don’t respond to “Yo, wanna fuck?” Women aren’t taxis; you don’t get in one just by raising your hand.

Again, the problem isn’t wanting to get laid. Hell, it’s not even about being obvious that you want to get laid; there’s a lot to be said for being up front if you do it in a respectful manner. It’s in the fact that you’re demonstrating that you’re just looking for a warm hole that happens to be attached to a person.

So slow the fuck down. Take time to introduce yourself to them, get to know them and let them get to know you. I don’t care if you think your dick is going to explode if you don’t get fucked within the next hour; even someone who might be down to clown that night with the right person isn’t going to just call an Uber and head on over. Slow your roll. You might have to wait a day. You might have to wait a week. You might have to wait an arbitrary number of dates. But if you start off with “Hi, I have a dick, you have a face, let’s get those two together,” you’re not going to be having sex with that person in your lifetime.

And while we’re at it…

Show Some Respect

Another great indicator that you’re lousy in bed and/or a bad risk is demonstrating a lack of respect for her boundaries, her wishes and just about everything else about her. One regular ongoing theme of fuckboy behavior is the refrain of “your age range/match percentage/location restrictions mean nothing to me because my dick is magic!”

 

Yes, I’m sure it’s a crime against God and Man for someone to be that attractive and yet also have decided – without meeting or knowing you – that she’s not interested in you. Maybe if she met someone who was awesome and charming enough, she’d make an exception for him even though he’s outside of her stated preferences. You are not that exception. And no, before you make the argument, it’s not a question of someone being handsome enough or rich enough to ignore her boundaries. Someone with Denzel Washington’s smile, Oscar Isaac’s face and the Goblin King’s package isn’t going to get any further when he’s disrespecting her right from the start. Believing that you have the right to override her decisions is a great big sign that you’re not someone she should spend time around while naked and vulnerable.

Of course, there’s also the inevitable follow-up to being told that no, she’s not going to change her mind about you:

Not only is nobody fooled into thinking that you weren’t crazy thirsty before, but this is pretty good proof that she was right to turn you down in the first place.

Now, while we’re on the topic:

Understand How To Flirt

I want to present you my friend Solange’s recent experience on Tinder:

Guy: What sea creature would you be and what would be your super power?
Solange: Sea sponge
Guy: Pervert.
Solange: So I can absorb everything.
Guy: I bet you would.
Solange: As in absorb all the knowledge.
Guy: What use would that be?
Solange: I’d give invaluable knowledge to Aquaman.
Guy: I bet that wouldn’t be the only thing you gave Aquaman. Nasty.
Solange: Hey, this conversation has taken a turn for the worse. Maybe you shouldn’t sexualize every answer I’m giving. It went from being silly to implying I’d give Aquaman sexual favors OR that I have an STD.
Guy: Well I’m glad we found out we have different senses of humor before it was too late.
Solange: No, I was playing along until you made it uncomfortable. Good bye.
Solange: *unmatch*

This is what we in the dating coach biz call “snatching defeat from the jaws of victory”. Solange had swiped right on this dude; she was already saying that she was interested in seeing him and possibly more. Broseph, on the other hand, is trying his damndest to set a frame of Solange as a horny pervert… and failing miserably.

Again, the problem isn’t being horny or interested in getting laid, it’s in giving out the signals that you’re a lousy lay. Playing frame games can be a fun way to flirt… as long as you have half an idea of what you’re doing.

The first part of that is having more wit than to just try to make everything an innuendo; trust me, nobody’s impressed with the wit it takes to make a “that’s what she said” joke to everything somebody says. If you’re going to try to sexualize a conversation, you need to have some sexual tension first. Would Captain Jack try to sexualize a random getting to know you? No he fucking well would not, because he has half a brain. But he would also pick his moment, not just spring it on someone he’s only just started talking to.

The second part of that is recognizing when the other person isn’t playing along.

 

Solange gave Johnny Rando more chances than he deserved, honestly. If he’d recognized that no, it wasn’t time for flirty “oh I know your type, you’re a sexual predator” games, he might have had the chance to recover from tripping over his own dick. Instead, he decided to continue along the fuckboy route and got shut down.

There’s a time and a place for trying to turn things sexual. Part of getting laid is understanding when those are and when they aren’t. If you have neither the experience nor the social calibration to figure those out, then you shouldn’t be angling for sex right off the bat.

Speaking of…

Nobody Wants To See Your Dick (Pic)

Somewhere in the mists of time, somebody decided that the surefire way to get a woman horny was to send her a picture of his junk. Now to be fair: there are many times when a woman would appreciate a sexy nude shot of her boyfriend and/or his dangly bits. That moment is almost never “as soon as you start talking to her”, “before you ever meet” or – and this is important – “before she’s specifically asked for one”.

Yes, I get that you think your cock is glorious. It’s big. It’s veiny. It inspires awe in all who see it. It’s name is Henry.

Nobody cares. 

I don’t care how magnificent you think your dick is and how much the world would benefit from experiencing its fleshy majesty. When you send an unsolicited dick pic, you’re doing a magic trick: you’re making sex disappear!

First of all: your dick pic is stupid. A cock by itself, with no context, is an unimpressive thing, and you’re making it worse by taking it from a shitty angle and worse lighting. Oh hey, you’ve got your fist around it? Woah, Ansel Adams, that composition totally changed things, no, really. And your full-body mirror selfie isn’t helping things either; nobody is sexy in a mirror selfie. You want to impress someone with pictures of your cock? Hire a professional.

Second: A penis without context is functionally meaningless. Check it out, you have something that half the planet has, woo. A penis attached to someone that the recipient is attracted to and has expressed interest in? That’s a penis worth seeing. But by itself? Or before she’s even interested? No context, no desire. And no, cocks by themselves aren’t going to get her hot and bothered and eager to make its acquaintance in person.

Third: All you’re doing is showing that you don’t know how to adult. Kids show their dicks off because it makes people laugh uncomfortably and they think they’re being funny. You, on the other hand, are presumably a grown-ass man; you should’ve grown out of the “ha ha bodies are weird” stage and understood basic niceties like “don’t wave your dick around in public”. These are not signs of someone who’s actually any good at sex.

That, more than anything else, is the key. If you want someone to have sex with you, you need to show that you’re worth it.

You need to act like a man.

Not a fuckboy.